Help with admission essay

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hi everyone,

i am desperately trying to get into nursing school. i am working on my nursing entrance essay and i'm a little stumped. below is what i have so far. any help, advice, etc would be greatly appreciated. below is what i have so far. thanks in advance

​as i began my studies at my community college, i promptly decided that a career in pharmaceuticals would be most fitting for me, being that i had a pharmacy technician license. however, on october 17, 2007 my life took a devastating blow, although i did not know it at the time; this would eventually lead me to change the trajectory of my life. on this day the man who helped raise me since i was nine years old, was admitted to the hospital to never return home. after two weeks in the hospital, my stepfather's battle against leukemia came to a tragic end. after his passing i set out to continue chasing my dreams of becoming a pharmacist. however, i would eventually come to dismiss this dream entirely. for the longest time i couldn't understand why i struggled with chemistry, then it dawned on me, the reason for my struggle was because i was forcing myself to pursue a career as a pharmacist when my true calling lies in becoming an oncology nurse. i began to reflect on the day when my stepfather was diagnosed with cancer and how i assumed the role of caretaker. i thought about how caring and compassionate the nurses were to him and the family. it all started to make sense, this whole time i was completely oblivious to the fact that i was placed on this earth to care for those in need. after i had changed my career goals, i immediately began taking the required courses for becoming a nurse and did extremely well in all courses. my stepdad was very inspirational and he will continue to inspire be in fulfilling my goal of becoming a nurse.

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if you're a high school student applying to an associate's degree program for the first time, it's ok. if you are already in college, the language is a little overblown. settle down. just the facts, please. tone down the "put on this earth to care for those in need," "devastating," "never to return home, tragic end," and such. i know you are trying to communicate passion, but writing like this is not professional. let them know you are entering clear-eyed, not wild-eyed. :twocents:

and as to chemistry: you'll still need it as a nurse, and especially in oncology, so either rethink the goal of oncology or rethink how hard you want to tell them chemistry is.

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Specializes in Peds OR as RN, Peds ENT as NP.

I agree with GrnTea and would only add a couple things. In this admission essay you HAVE to sell yourself and truly stand out. The first sentence needs to grab their attention and make them want to keep reading. There needs to be more of who you are in there and although the story is touching, it could be cut down and reinforced in a creative way. For example, saying your stepdad raised you since nine is too many added word, just say stepdad. I think you are definitely on to something with the at first-I-was-going-to -do something- different thing!! You are being real which is important. Remember a whole bunch of nurses will be reading this and need things to be concise and straight to the point. After all, that is how we chart ;). Also through your essay they need to have full confidence of your success in the program. Hope I helped a liitle. You can do it!

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Thanks for the advise. I made a few changes and added another paragraph. Please tell me where I am slacking.

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It sounds like you were using a Thesaurus to jazz your writing up; it's better to use common words.

Part of my job (in financial aid office of a community college) is reviewing the essays of scholarship recipients. About every 1 in 10 is written like your essay. The members of our scholarship selection committee always comment that the overly dramatic writing gets in the way of the applicant's story.

You have a compelling story. Try writing this again, in simple language. Then read it outloud and make sure it sounds like something you would say in a normal conversation. Good luck. Writing an admissions essay is stressful, but you can do it.

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cdewannabe: i not sure if your comment "about 1 in 10 are written like your essay" is a bad thing or not being that i want my essay to stand out. are you saying it would stand out in a bad way?

here's the revised version. some areas may need to be worded differently, feel free provide a few revisions and adivise on the flow of the essay. thanks again!

onoctober 17, 2007 the man who had been the father-figure in my lifewas admitted into the hospital. his long battle against leukemia cameto an end two weeks later; a day that no one could ever truly beprepared for.little did i know that this saddening experience would later aid mein my decision of becoming an oncology nurse.

priorto my stepfather's passing i had began pursuing a career to become apharmacist, being that i had already received my pharmacy technicianlicense. however, i eventually came to dismiss this dream entirelyafter struggling with the required advanced chemistry courses. afterreevaluating my qualities and values, i realized that my true passionis in becoming a nurse. i began to reflect on the day when mystepfather was diagnosed with cancer and how i assumed the role ofbeing his caretaker. i thought about how caring and compassionate thenurses were to him and the rest of the family as well. at this point,i experienced a rush of excitement and anxiousness, as i still doevery time i speak of nursing.i immediately began taking the required courses for becoming a nurseand have done extremely well in all of them. my decision tospecifically become an oncology nurse is due to the lost of mystep-father who continues to be my inspiration and hatredof cancer. i am aware that nursing can be a challenging yetrewarding career; i look forward to both.

asa candidate for the university of san francisco's nursing program ican contribute my ability of being sensitive to the needs of othersand joy of advocating for the underserved, disadvantaged, and thepoor. i strongly believe in giving back to the community, notmonetarily but emotionally. two days out of the week is dedicated inspending time with my old neighbor and caring for him when hiscaregiver is not available. he has been suffering from multiplesclerosis for the past 5 years, and is the most joyous person i know.i would like to think that i contribute to his happiness to someextent. my relationship with david began in an unusual way. i wouldalways walk pass his apartment and see him sitting in his wheelchairstaring out his window. i had no idea who this guy was or what hisstory was, but i would always wave at him and he we wave back; thatwas the gist of our relationship. one day as i was walking past hisapartment, i raised my hand in an attempt to wave at him and inoticed that he was hunched over in his wheelchair as if he werereaching for something on the floor. as i approached his window andlooked inside, i saw him lying there in a pool of vomit and his facewas as red as the morning sun. i immediately rushed into hisapartment and lifted him up and cleaned him. he explained to me thathe was lying there for about two hours, and that his caregiver shouldhad been there hours ago. since that day i have taken it upon myselfto ensure that this will never happen again by making weekly visitsto see him. david says that this was the day i saved his life, and asi nurse i want to help save other lives as well.

aftera campus visit and becoming more knowledgeable of the university ofsan francisco's missions and values, i am certain that this is theonly university for me. the university's values are no different thanmy own. obtaining a high-quality education is a top priority, secondto my daughter. i continuously strive for the magis to become anintelligent individual who will do my part as a citizen and educatethe diverse society of today's world. my open-minded attitudecombined with an eagerness to learn will allow me to absorb theknowledge and leadership skills offered by usf, to ensure that ourrole and mission in the society is felt throughout the world forgenerations to come. the values that i share with the university areinstilled in my daughter daily in hopes of her one day flourishing tobecome a humanitarian and continuing the promotion of justice. as anursing student of usf i will bring my professional knowledge ofmedication, life experiences, caring spirit and my enthusiasticout-going personality that always keeps professors delighted toteach. i know there are a number of good nurses but i strive to be anexceptional nurse by providing services in other countries and oneday taking part in discovering a cure against the disease that tookmy biggest fan away; cancer.

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Some of the words where some how put combined when I posted it, not sure why?!

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still too dramatic. cdewannabe nails it. i believe her/his intent was to tell you that it stood out in a not-good way.

simplify, simplify. i'll bet i could edit that down by 50% and it would pack a lot more punch. seriously. will i do it for you? no, because i am not applying to your program.

if you have a word-count feature on your word processor program, use it. knock off half. it's good practice for the papers you'll write in school, too.

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