Having issues with death anxiety

Robar, LPN · Jun 7, 2013

I'm so enjoying reading all of the post from the people who have been there! I'm just starting school part time in September & this is something I also struggle with on a daily basis. I also have 2 young children (3 & 11 mos) and I understand how that increases your anxiety. When I start questioning if I'm cut out for nursing because of these worries I remind myself that there isn't a nurse around that enjoys watching patients die and it is something that they deal with & I will deal with it also when the time comes. I realize that there are going to be parts of the job that I won't like. I don't enjoy changing diapers & waking up in the middle of the night with my baby but that doesn't mean i don't love motherhood & shouldn't be a mother! Best of luck to you! And I would love to hear more from you as a fellow mother & nursing student!!

Mandy0728 · Jun 8, 2013

It wasn't death that scared me - it was dealing with the families of the dead and dying that petrified me. It's the only thing I really got anxious about (and I've worked in oncology since day one, so it was a very real fear!).
I learned - and sort of through my own experience when my own dad died - you don't have to say anything. Everyone knows that no one knows what to say when someone dies - that even that simplistic "I'm so sorry" goes a long way. So does a hug. So does just sitting with someone and letting them cry, or letting them talk about the dying person. I used to distract little kids with cups of ice or cookies if it was allowed - people are very appreciative when you think of their kids. I'd bring someone a blanket if they were sitting with the person, or an extra pillow for their back in the chair (when I could find one).
Once someone was dying and they were dying alone. I hate that - I know sometimes it's inevitable, that sometimes you're the only family they have. Our shift was slow and I'd learned by reading this man's chart and by looking around his room he was Catholic. I'm not terribly religious, but I have Catholicism in my family (and my dad was Catholic - long story) and I know how important their religion can be. I put his rosary in his hands and I read to him from his prayer book when I had time (they say hearing is the last sense to go as you die). I do know the Lord's Prayer and a few verses and I'd share them with him as he lay there, pretty much comatose in his last hours.
It scared the crap out of me but I thought, gosh, I'd hate to die alone - someone should let this man know that regardless of what mistakes he may have made (and of course I didn't know him from Adam), he matters to someone, even if it's only his God. And I thanked him for letting me sit with him, letting me talk to him, and I hope he didn't mind my reading to him, that I hoped he'd gotten to hear some favorite prayers or verses and that I didn't bother him. He died the next day when I was off.
I'm saying this to let you know that I think the best thing you can do is face it, don't let it control you. It's part of what we do. If someone is actively dying and alone as the man above was, I encourage you to sit with them, even if it's in silence. You can hold their hand if you like but you don't have to. I think they know you're there. And I think if nothing else, they would know they were helping you - that they mattered to someone at some point. We all need that, I think.
Death IS scary, and I get that. I'm about to turn forty and the thought petrifies me. I have an almost eighty year old MOTHER, a brother pushing 60, a 50 year old sister. I think about it a lot sometimes. My dad is, as I mentioned, already gone and sometimes, in some patients, I've seen him, and for a little while it's like losing him all over again. I'll admit that. I don't dwell on it, but I think about it, like any normal middle aged person does, I think. It just sometimes hits a bit closer to home for us.
I sat with my daddy and held his hand when he took his last breath. I told him the whole time I loved him, that we all did. I'd like to think I can do that for someone else. It's how I deal and have dealt with death so far.

That's so amazing that you took that time to spend with your dying patient. I don't care what people say when they think there isn't no "going above and beyond" being a nurse, because there is and that's it! The world needs more people like you...seriously. When my mom was dying of cancer, she had this one nurse that spent so much time with her (aside from our family). I honestly would've done the same thing if I were in your shoes. It breaks my heart to even think that people have to be alone at holidays or even die alone. Everyone should have someone & you were that persons someone...bless you!

Mandy0728 · Jun 8, 2013

I'm such an idiot by the way....I can't believe I forgot to add this...please forgive me. I'm so very sorry about your father. I was there when my mom took her last breath at 47 and I kissed my dad the morning of the day he passed away. (I was at a sleepover..and got that horrible phone call) he was 70. I was 15 when my dad died & 21 when my mom died...it's hard to get through life without your parents being around & nobody understands that unless they've been there. I hope to be an amazing nurse as well & pray to god I have the strength to hold families hands through these situations.