Any moms out there, getting the GUILTS?

opalmRN · Jan 26, 2003

How do you prioritize?

I only have two more semesters until I have my degree and I just pray every day that this time goes quickly.

Karen,

By the sounds of things you HAVE been prioritizing if you are down to the last two semesters. Good for you! Sometimes I think we all need a reminder to step back and look at the good job we have done rather than how we measure up to what others do. I am as guilty of that as the next person but these good friends here at allnurses have helped me realize that even though at times I feel like I'm flying solo, I''m really not. I will tell you this, if you have five children and the oldest is a young teen, lady you are my hero! I have children but two are grown and the other is 14. When I think back to how I prioritized my life when the kids were young, there is no way I could have done what you are doing. So this is a personal "Gold star" from me that you are doing A-OK! Whatever you are doing must be working. And if things sometimes seem like they are spinning out of control remind yourself that you take one day at a time and everything that really doesn't matter (empty clothes hampers, ironing all pressed, toilet bowls that glisten and floors that you could eat off of)can wait until another day :). Families will continue to grow whether you pay attention or not and that is not something none of us wants to miss. School has it's priority as well. Sometimes it is necessary to back off on the course load but I think many folks, including yourself have seen that families and school can mix.

And do this for me, put your right hand on your left shoulder and your left hand on your right shoulder and give yourself a big hug from me!

Chin up, many people are in ahw of you!

C:kiss

kittyw · Jan 26, 2003

Am I the only parent who doesn't feel guilty?? Before you flame me ... let me explain....

I'm in school full time - getting my MSN. My son is in kindergarten full time. I make sure we take time to do fun things: play board games, go play together at Chuck E Cheese, take him to practice golf when it's warm.

But he has to understand that Mommy is important too. There are times in life that he can't do what he wants to do, and there are times when Mommy does something for herself. (work out, study, take a nice bath) If he can't understand that and appreciate it ... then what kind of person will he grow up to be?

So, no, I DON'T feel guilty for taking time for me ... for not being there 100% ....

They probably would appreciate some time playing with others too. And how can they learn to interact with others if you don't give them the opportunity? When I am with him ... I'm playing WITH him (stuff that we both enjoy - kids can really tell if you're having fun or faking it).

There was a recent article about all the adult kids still living at home - despite being in their 30's. The article said that parents now days are too concerned with their children's happiness to the point that they ignore their own. That the children become selfish and don't become emotionally independent and financially responsible.

As long as you don't ignore your children and have fun with them when you can ... don't feel guilty for doing what you want or have to do.

opalmRN · Jan 26, 2003

Nope, I don't think you are the only one that is not having quilt at the moment. We all have moments of ups and downs and I think the original post was someone who at the time was having a down. Human I think they call it.

Anyway, you are apparently feeling up and that is great. We'd all like to have more of those times too. You and your child/children? sound quite happy with how things are at your house. Maybe you can share some of the ways that you balance parenting and school as we all learn from each other.

As for,

"There was a recent article about all the adult kids still living at home - despite being in their 30's. The article said that parents now days are too concerned with their children's happiness to the point that they ignore their own. That the children become selfish and don't become emotionally independent and financially responsible" I say yeah, I suppose there are always those exceptions.

Our older kids live at home. They have financial responsibilities for that luxury and while they could live somewhere else, we enjoy having them here. They as well as my husband each have a night to cook each week, we all take turns doing the grocery shopping, each has a section of the house to take care of and I haven't had to do yard work, pool care or snow removel in years! I tell you if the truth be known, we the parents are the seflish ones, we like having live in servants!!!!

So to those who don't agree with older kids living at home I say, don't knock it till you've tried it! Cause it is working just fine at our house.

C

opalmRN · Jan 26, 2003

Kittyw,

Just curious. Do you have other children? Are you a single parent? Do you work in addition to school?

C

kittyw · Jan 26, 2003

The article was about adult children who WOULDN'T help pay for rent, wouldn't help out at home ... basically looked at their parents as an open wallet. Glad it's working out for you ... I wouldn't deny my kid help if he needed it when he's an adult, but I don't give an open wallet.

Single mom, school full time, I also volunteer with a vet and the humane society.

I guess I just think differently when it comes to my kid. I won't place myself in a position where I feel guilty. If he's sick, then I'm home. School or whatever can get over it, period. (I worked full time while going to school full time before starting this program ... so I've been there.)

I tell my son that I need to clean ... and he CAN help or play by himself. Bugging me to play while I madly clean only delays me.... he knows that if he either helps or gets out of the way (for things he can't help with) then we can have fun sooner.

If I'm stressed, he's stressed. So I work things out to not get too stressed. I work out... and he gets to play with the kids at the Y. So, for him it's a treat to go. But he knows that if he doesn't want to go, then he has to be nice about it and go anyways. (Mom's the boss.) I tell him that I do nice things for him, so he can do the same for me.

My son knows that if he does what I say then we will finish up sooner and can have more play time. And I put it to him that way. He also knows the nicer he is to me the nicer I am to him .... ie he follows the rules therefore we have time to play and he's not punished for bad behavior. He's only 6, but he understands this.

Also ... I don't hesitate at all to take him to the drop-off child care if I have a project to work on. He absolutely loves it... and considers it a BIG treat. So, he has fun... mommy gets her work done... and we get to play when we're finished.

I've limited the number of toys he has, so there isn't a lot to clean up. Right now he's into board games ... which is great. They're small and relatively easy to clean up. Also, the "maid" will throw away any toys he leaves out... and I DO!! Don't feel guilty at all.. he knows the rules.

I guess that's my solution... have rules and keep to them. Understand that it's okay and really a responsibility of me as a parent to take time out for me. If I'm not happy, my kid definately isn't happy. My kid figured it out. It took awhile, but once we both started this... things started going MUCH smoother and we were both happier.

opalmRN · Jan 27, 2003

"I guess I just think differently when it comes to my kid. I won't place myself in a position where I feel guilty. If he's sick, then I'm home. School or whatever can get over it, period".

If I use the "get over it" with my employer they would and then they would tell me to get another job, period.

Not everyone's life is as neatly packaged and again I think the thread was started for those who were looking for ideas and moral support. Thanks for the idea.

C

opalmRN · Jan 27, 2003

Originally posted by debRNo1
My wonderful deprived of a F/T mom son said his fav place was HOME
deb [/b]

Sure is a good feeling, huh?

C

kittyw · Jan 27, 2003

Originally posted by opalm
If I use the "get over it" with my employer they would and then they would tell me to get another job, period.

I certainly didn't use that phrase with my previous employers! Don't think that would be prudent, but I don't feel guilty if I have to call in ... I figure I'm calling in for a reason and there are others that call in just to go shopping or whatever. And, hey, if you're married... then switch who calls in. Unfortunately I don't have any family around to go to for help.

I think that a lot of people experience guilt that isn't based in reality but is only in their head..... and if they realized that then they would have a much easier time with balancing school, work, and parenthood. I'm trying to be supportive by showing that there IS a way of doing it..... (you asked me for ideas ... I gave them.)

When you feel guilty ask yourself ....

Is this going to harm my child?

Is this going to harm someone else?

Is there a moral or ethical problem here?

Sometimes the idea gets into our heads that we have to be perfect ... that society says you must spend 10.35 waking hours with your child or he will become a convicted felon.

I would feel terribly guilty about leaving my sick child with a babysitter in order to go parting... and for a good reason. But I don't feel guilty about having him go somewhere that I know is safe (and he enjoys) for an hour or two so I can do something that is necessary. Plus I get whatever it is done much faster and can spend the saved time playing with my kid.

opalmRN · Jan 27, 2003

"School or whatever can get over it, period. "

The "whatever" in my case, would be my job.

As for "hey if your married, switch who calls in" unfortuantely in this politically correct world we live in calling out for a sick child will get you a day without pay for some and a probationary period if it happens more than once. The reasoning behind that is it would be an unfair policy to allow employees to call out for a sick child as not all employees have children. Now if you are going to ask, well how many times can a child be sick, well if you have more than one child you could be out of work several times a year because of sick children. I know, I've been there it's not easy. And if you might suggest llying, that for some causes guilt as well.

I have been a mother for nearly twenty five years so I feel comfortable saying not everyone has the lifestyle that accomodates the "me and my rules" way of thinking.

No one on this BB said anything about needing to spend 10.35 waking hours with their child they merely posted a message asking if there were any other parents out there having the same issues, asking for support. I also don't think anyone's guilt was over leaving a sick child to go partying. I think they felt anxious about having to leave a sick child to go to class, not having enough hours in a day to do all they have to do when life doesn't go as planned. Assuming that others have the option of staying home when their children are sick is just that, an assumption.

Please understand, we are all very happy that you have found a plan that works for you and you are not bothered by guilt. You have offered some ideas that may work for others on this BB and that was nice.

Best wishes as you complete your degree,

C

kittyw · Jan 27, 2003

I don't lie. Don't ever suggest that I do. That is just plain rude.

Everyone chooses their reality. Guilt is a choice. You want to feel guilty... fine - you chose it. You don't want to be in charge of your life ... fine. Goodbye. You can wallow in self-pity.

Lausana · Jan 27, 2003

I don't feel a bit guilty either now Kitty...I think I did at first, but I see that I have a happy, healthy, normal child so no harm done...He sees me much more than if I were to not go to school and have to work 2 jobs.

I have to do what is best for me which in turn is best for my family. It would seem pretty silly a decade down the road saying I didn't go to school because of my kid, since I'd just be 10 yrs older with no degree. *shrugs*

opalmRN · Jan 27, 2003

kittyw,

Who said you lie?

WOW, what's that all about?

C