One more round of warped humor...once again, my apologies to those who might be offended :kiss. I tried to tone this one down for "public consumption". Believe it or not, it's actually going to be performed at my facility, under the guidance of our pastoral care department! I work at a COOL place...
Merry Christmas! JeannieM
Enter Mary and Joseph. Mary is heavy with child and riding a "donkey" (stick horse?).
Joseph: At last! We've been traveling for days to reach Bethlahospitalahem to pay our taxes. Perhaps here, in this house of healing, we can have rest! (Approaches ER staff member). Please, kind healer, my feet are blistered and my poor wife has saddle-burn from riding this donkey for so long! May we stop here for a time?
ER staff member: I'm sorry, but blistered feet and saddle-burn don't qualify as an emergency. Can't you see that we have a waiting room filled with people sneezing and sniffling, as well as an ambulance coming in? You'll have to go someplace else. And please park your donkey in the parking lot!
Mary: (Tugging Joseph's sleeve). Uh...Joseph?
Joseph: (Turning to Mary). Never fear. We will press on and find another place to rest.
Joseph: Please, good person, my feet are blistered and my wife has saddle-burn. May we...
Case Management: Sir, I'm sorry, but the DRG for foot blisters and saddle burn isn't covered by the Carpenter's HMO plan. Who is your physician?
Joseph: We have only God.
Case Management: Sir, I'm not finding admitting privileges for Dr. God. We only have physicians who THINK they're God. And we generally don't admit donkeys either. Perhaps you could try University Hospital?
Mary (clutching abdomen uncomfortably): Joseph? You ought to know...
Joseph: Don't despair, Mary. We'll continue on.
Joseph: We have come for help...
1 North staff person: PLEASE don't tell me you're here to be admitted! We've had six admissions within the last two hours! We are totally swamped! And has Infection Control approved that donkey?
Joseph: Never mind.
Mary: Joseph, listen...
Joseph: It's alright, dear. We'll get you off of the donkey soon.
Joseph: We have come because...
Telemetry staff person: AAAGH!!! She's pregnant!!! We can't take pregnant patients! And the donkey looks pregnant too!!! They might hatch! Get them out of here!!!
Joseph: (Sighs) Come along, Mary.
Mary: Uh, Joseph? About that "hatching" thing...
Joseph: I have blistered feet, and my poor wife has saddle burn...
ICU staff person (In haughty tone): Do blistered feet and saddle burn require cardiac monitoring? Ventilators? Multiple IV infusions? This is a critical care area! And we weren't informed about any Donkey Visitation Program! I'm afraid you'll have to leave!
Mary (Rubbing abdomen again): Joseph, things are getting kind of critical right now...
Joseph: It's alright, Mary. We'll press on.
Joseph: Please, we have blisters and saddle burn...
Physical therapist: You have come to the right place!!! We have an exercise and rehabilitation program for any healthcare need! We have one for blisters! One for saddle burn! We can exercise you up until the last minute of pregnancy! We even have one for your donkey!
Joseph: (Backing away). No, that's alright. I think we'll just keep going.
Mary: (Stamping her foot) Joseph, that last minute of pregnancy may be awfully close!
Joseph: We have come here for rest and healing.
2 North Staff: Hmmm. Don't have you down on the list. What surgical procedure did you have?
Joseph: Well, we didn't exactly have a surgical procedure, but...
2 North Staff: I'm sorry, but this is the post-operative floor. We'd be glad to admit you, but first you have to have a surgical procedure. Just go right up that ramp at the end of the hall and get something taken out and then come right back down. We'll have to have administrative clearance for the donkey to stay, though.
Joseph: (Looking doubtfully up ramp). Thanks....I think.
Mary: Joseph, something may be coming out very soon!
Joseph: We were told to come here...
Operative Room staff: Just a minute. We don't have a C-section down on the board. Anybody here know anything about a C-section? Did your physician book this in advance? We have two laparoscopic cholecystectomies and a bunionectomy back there right now. You'll just have to come back another day.
Mary: I don't think the baby's going to WAIT another day! I think it's coming now!
Joseph: (Eyes wide). Oh my heavens! Where do we go? Who will take us in?
Operating Room staff: You might try downstairs in L&D. And take the donkey, okay? We aren't approved for veterinary services.
Labor and Delivery:
Joseph: Please, help us! I have blisters, my wife has saddle burn...oh, and she's in labor, too!
L&D nurse: Certainly! Come right this way. We have a beautiful delivery suite waiting for you. We couldn't quite manage the manger, but since the Bible indicates that farm animals were present, you can bring in the donkey.
Mary and Joseph: Oh, THANK YOU!!!
Joseph: Well, at last we've found rest and shelter. We've rested our aching feet and...uh...saddle burn.
Mary: And the Baby has come. Now is the time for celebration.
Cafeteria Staff Person: Well, according to the script I'm supposed to do gold, frankincense and myrrh, but they're a little hard to find down here in Bethlahospitalem. Would cookies and punch be okay? And we have some hay for the donkey.