Freaking out

[SoCal student]

i'm not totally sure how to start this, or even why i'm writing it. here's my story:

I'm a 4th year BSN student, graduating next may. I received my BA in Psych about 5 years ago, waited tables for a bit and realized my degree wasn't too useful. With nothing else to do, took the test and got into a prestigious graduate program. I absolutely hated it. I had already had a history of depression but my decision to go to that school brought me to a very dark place. With the help of meds and an amazing therapist, I (barely) made it through the first semester - there was no doubt that I would not be returning. It wasn't for me. I hadn't thought it through at all - I was just hiding out in school, at a place where I thought, at the very least, I would come out well-respected and employable.

I returned to waiting tables and immediately began trying to make my next move. I put about 5,000x the effort into researching and deciding that nursing school might be right for me (I actually begin this "search" while in grad school). I finished up a few pre-reqs while working and was accepted. I got through the first year rather easily. There were a few times where I let my depression/anxiety get the best of me, but it was tolerable. Just one month in, and this time it's back in full force.

I feel I may be on the verge of a nervous breakdown, it's becoming unbearable. I'm on the verge of hysteria or a severe panic attack at most times. School is a little tougher, but my issues are about the "big picture." I obsess over whether i've made the right choices with my life, career-wise. I feel like a complete wreck, and a failure. If nursing doesn't turn out to be right for me, I will have spent a decade in school with nothing practical to show for it. I'm broke, owe 50k in loans, have never made any significant money, and am emotionally drained. It's tough to go out with friends who went into civil service directly out of high school and have been making very comfortable livings at great jobs for years. That wasn't an option for me - in my family, you go to college, no questions asked.

I know I should have returned to see a therapist by now, but even that is too overwhelming for me to take care of at the moment. I'm a newly wed but my wife works nights. Between that and my school, we see each other for maybe an hour a day. She can't even call me/receive calls at work so when not in school, I'm left by myself at home - not a situation conductive to happiness. Not seeing her is killing me.

As I read through this, it's clear that the words can't even come close to conveying what I'm going through. Those that have dealt with major depression or anxiety may understand though. It may just sound like a situation that can be solved with some meds, therapy, and some behavioral changes, but I think it's more than that. There's a lot of fluff on here about only going into nursing for the "right reasons." Well, for me, those reasons were mostly of a practical origin: now in my late-20s, it's time I had a real job. Something that can pay the bills, with some stability and longevity. Is it my dream to be a nurse? Nope, sorry. I wish it were. My dream is to make enough money off my art to live comfortably. That hasn't happened yet. And I know it's a long shot, but that's ok. Nursing, at the very least, could afford me a schedule conducive to pursuing that dream. None of this is to say that there are not many (what are typically considered) "positive" reasons why I chose nursing, but I don't feel the need to re-hash the kinds of things everyone's heard before.

Anyways, like I said, not totally sure why I wrote this. I've been lurking here for years and really love the community, just never had much to add. I'm sure I'll get some positive reassurance but I'm not fishing for it. Maybe i'm searching for that one bit of advice that really clicks with me, but I doubt I'll find it. I'm just going through the motions, hoping to keep my sanity somewhat intact before I do anymore damage.

[Clovery]

I'm pretty much in the same boat. I also have a useless BA in Biology/Psychologyand decided to go into nursing because I want a stable job, with health insurance benefits for my family. I want something that I can go there and do it and come home and be done. I knew nursing school wouldn't be that challenging academically, compared to the work I put into my other degree. I figured it would be easy to get through school, and I'd be able to get a job when I graduate, fall into a routine, have health insurance, be more comfortable financially. Oh yeah, and take care of patients. I enjoy having the right answer, being able to provide a solution to a problem that someone is having. But I'm not particularly compassionate nor do I have a strong underlying drive to "help people". But I think I will be a damn good nurse when I graduate. And working 3 12 hour shifts per week leaves me a lot of time to spend with my kid and pursue my hobbies. Make no apologies, OP. I'm sure you'll be a good nurse.

It does sound like you are in a bit of a crisis right now. Maybe you and your wife can agree to write each other a letter or email per day. Just to talk about what's on your minds. Don't forget that school is over in May, that's just a bit more than half a year... it'll fly by. And there are the holidays coming up and I'm sure you'll both have time off then to spend together. It certainly couldn't hurt to talk to a therapist... does your school offer free counseling for students? if you think you could benefit from that, give one appointment a try.

My advice for you, and it does sound like you will do this, but I have to say - stick it out. Get the degree, get the certification. Find a job, work and then all those hours you aren't working you will have free to focus on how to improve your happiness. Just keep reminding yourself it's not that much longer.

[sugarmagnoliaRN]

If you hate nursing school and don't have a strong interest in nursing, why stick it out? That goes for both of you... find what does make you happy. I chose to go into nursing for many practical reasons, but I also have a passion for it and can't imagine doing anything else. It really is terrible to hear about people going into it just for those reasons... there are plenty of other careers that might suit you better where you can provide solutions to problems, get health insurance, and spend more time with your kids.

[Clovery]

Not speaking for the OP, but I never said I hated nursing school. I don't think OP did either. I went into nursing school because I have a background in biology and psychology and had all the prereqs completed already. I'm strong in natural and social sciences. Nursing is a job where I can apply my strengths to a career that involves ACTION. I wasn't interested in pursuing a graduate degree in psychology or biology because of all the "academia" that is involved. I had to write a thesis for my undergrad and that was enough for me to determine I did not want to spend any more countless hours reading journal articles and writing papers, however I do enjoy keeping up on current research and thinking about how I can apply it to patients. Like I said I enjoy feeling confident and competent to help people with their problems. I can quickly analyze a situation and think rationally under stress and pressure. I think I will be a great nurse. No, I don't have "I just want to help people" mentality, but I do feel accomplished if I can assist someone successfully. To be perfectly honest, I would be happy to be a stay at home mom, working on my music and crafts in my spare time. Unfortunately that's not an option right now and I need a career. I chose nursing. I DO enjoy it. Was it my life dream? No way. Can I think of another practical career that would better suit my needs? Nope. Pretty sure this is it. I'm sure I will find my niche in nursing once I graduate and I will find it fulfilling. I am sorry to tell you that I don't have a touching story to tell about my grandmother having cancer or whatever that inspired me to go into nursing. There are all types of people and nursing is a popular profession, with a wide variety of specialties and applications. Who are you to judge who should and shouldn't be a nurse?

[sugarmagnoliaRN]

I apologize... I misunderstood. It sounded like you didn't enjoy nursing; I definitely don't think I am the one who judges who should and shouldn't be a nurse (or any profession, really).

[SoCal student]

If you hate nursing school and don't have a strong interest in nursing, why stick it out? That goes for both of you... find what does make you happy. I chose to go into nursing for many practical reasons, but I also have a passion for it and can't imagine doing anything else. It really is terrible to hear about people going into it just for those reasons... there are plenty of other careers that might suit you better where you can provide solutions to problems, get health insurance, and spend more time with your kids.

thanks for the reply, but I'm not sure where you read me "hating" nursing school. I guess you read into that one on your own?

This is kind of what i'm talking about with the "fluff." In my original post, I say that there were plenty more reasons I went into nursing, I just didn't want to re-hash stuff that gets thrown out there constantly. I'm actually extremely compassionate and am far more drawn to the "art of nursing" as opposed to the science. If I stick it out, which I almost surely will, I'm very keen on pursuing psych nursing. My BA in psych and my first-hand experiences with emotional and psych issues have given me plenty of insight into where I may fit well.

I'm sorry, but I just don't care much to hear people being told to quit something if it's not their passion. You can't truly believe it's that easy, can you? We're all adults, here.....I think we can talk as such. A vast majority of people would do something else with their time if money were a non-issue. Sorry, it's the way the world works. We can't all be rock stars and celebrities. Someone's gotta take out the trash. That's not to say I don't believe it when people tell me. I'm jealous of it, honestly. My best friend makes over 100k as a firefighter and is very fond of his job. He'd walk tomorrow if there were a way to spend every day for the rest of his life surfing in Costa Rica.

[Clovery]

No worries... I think that a lot of people have the idea that nursing is a good job, good benefits, well-respected, etc. Then they get to nursing school and realize it's not for them. It'd definitely be a disservice to themselves and their future patients if they were to stick it out and do something they don't like as their career. But other people, like me, go into nursing school for those reasons and find they actually enjoy it. I wouldn't be here, reading a forum about nursing after my nursing classes if I didn't like it, right? It's still not my "dream job". But with age comes sacrifice and practicality, and I'm finding that nursing is a pretty good fit for me.

[SoCal student]

To be perfectly honest, I would be happy to be a stay at home mom, working on my music and crafts in my spare time. Unfortunately that's not an option right now and I need a career. I chose nursing. I DO enjoy it. Was it my life dream? No way. Can I think of another practical career that would better suit my needs? Nope.

Perfect, couldn't have said it better. Sounds like we are in very similar situations. And, yes, I am almost certainly sticking it out. I can't imagine what another drop-out would do for my psyche.

Thanks so much for the reply and the advice - I will be making an appointment with a therapist asap.

[Clovery]

you're welcome :)

[Lifeofanurse]

I think you need to just continue...and seek help from a therapist. Nursing school is very isolating. I had a tough time w/ that too. My classmates, some of which I didn't like much became family. I saw them more than my husband and kids. It's hard having to hang out with people you don't really like or respect.

I see a bigger picture. Yes I want to help people. That is why I want to be a nurse...but I also enjoy the thought of a stable job, good work conditions and hours and benefits. There is no shame in admitting that. Not every nurse will work as bedside nurses. There really are a whole variety of avenues for a BSN nurse...more so than for those with lesser degrees such as my own LVN..or even a 2 yr RN.

I say finish...but get the help you need to cope so that you CAN finish. Your life will be better for it.

BUT be aware and prepared for the weird let down after your done. I didn't expect it and this past month has been really hard. I would definitely describe it as depression. I have a hard time just getting the kids up for school ...forget about having the energy to even shower or grocery shop. Its been really really hard. I just found out I passed my nclex-pn and so I'm officially a nurse but I'm working hard to dig myself out of this hole. I showered today! yay. seriously...prepare yourself. Having all this freetime between finishing school, the nclex and finding a job can be harmful if your predisposed to depression..prepare well. Good luck!!

[sugarmagnoliaRN]

I think that a lot of people have the idea that nursing is a good job, good benefits, well-respected, etc. Then they get to nursing school and realize it's not for them. It'd definitely be a disservice to themselves and their future patients if they were to stick it out and do something they don't like as their career. But other people, like me, go into nursing school for those reasons and find they actually enjoy it.

OP: I apologize again for what I said. From you saying that Nursing wasn't your first pick and then Clovery telling you to remind yourself that "it's not that much longer," I got the impression that you didn't like it. Again, sorry if I offended you - I was honestly trying to help both you and future patients (see quote above) by suggesting you find something that truly makes you happy.

[SoCal student]

I have a hard time just getting the kids up for school ...forget about having the energy to even shower or grocery shop. Its been really really hard. I just found out I passed my nclex-pn and so I'm officially a nurse but I'm working hard to dig myself out of this hole. I showered today! yay. seriously...prepare yourself. Having all this freetime between finishing school, the nclex and finding a job can be harmful if your predisposed to depression..prepare well. Good luck!!

Thanks for the advice and I'm sorry to hear you're going through a rough time as well.

I appreciate the heads up (on jobs once I'm done) but it does worry me. I'm certainly predisposed to depression but here's the (what I would almost call) "sick" part...the thought/knowledge that many new grads are having an extremely hard time finding work almost makes me happy. It makes me feel like I can finish school, feel proud and accomplished (as opposed to dropping out and really adding to my depression), and then, due to lack of jobs, be forced into another field. Maybe back to bartending! Or something I've always wanted to get involved in. I know that kind of thinking implies that I should probably just drop out now, but I've put too much into this and would really disappoint too many people. Especially after my previous schooling/drop out.

I feel terrible saying that as there are many who truly love nursing and are doing all they can to get their first job. But this is the depth of my depression.