i'm not totally sure how to start this, or even why i'm writing it. here's my story:
I'm a 4th year BSN student, graduating next may. I received my BA in Psych about 5 years ago, waited tables for a bit and realized my degree wasn't too useful. With nothing else to do, took the test and got into a prestigious graduate program. I absolutely hated it. I had already had a history of depression but my decision to go to that school brought me to a very dark place. With the help of meds and an amazing therapist, I (barely) made it through the first semester - there was no doubt that I would not be returning. It wasn't for me. I hadn't thought it through at all - I was just hiding out in school, at a place where I thought, at the very least, I would come out well-respected and employable.
I returned to waiting tables and immediately began trying to make my next move. I put about 5,000x the effort into researching and deciding that nursing school might be right for me (I actually begin this "search" while in grad school). I finished up a few pre-reqs while working and was accepted. I got through the first year rather easily. There were a few times where I let my depression/anxiety get the best of me, but it was tolerable. Just one month in, and this time it's back in full force.
I feel I may be on the verge of a nervous breakdown, it's becoming unbearable. I'm on the verge of hysteria or a severe panic attack at most times. School is a little tougher, but my issues are about the "big picture." I obsess over whether i've made the right choices with my life, career-wise. I feel like a complete wreck, and a failure. If nursing doesn't turn out to be right for me, I will have spent a decade in school with nothing practical to show for it. I'm broke, owe 50k in loans, have never made any significant money, and am emotionally drained. It's tough to go out with friends who went into civil service directly out of high school and have been making very comfortable livings at great jobs for years. That wasn't an option for me - in my family, you go to college, no questions asked.
I know I should have returned to see a therapist by now, but even that is too overwhelming for me to take care of at the moment. I'm a newly wed but my wife works nights. Between that and my school, we see each other for maybe an hour a day. She can't even call me/receive calls at work so when not in school, I'm left by myself at home - not a situation conductive to happiness. Not seeing her is killing me.
As I read through this, it's clear that the words can't even come close to conveying what I'm going through. Those that have dealt with major depression or anxiety may understand though. It may just sound like a situation that can be solved with some meds, therapy, and some behavioral changes, but I think it's more than that. There's a lot of fluff on here about only going into nursing for the "right reasons." Well, for me, those reasons were mostly of a practical origin: now in my late-20s, it's time I had a real job. Something that can pay the bills, with some stability and longevity. Is it my dream to be a nurse? Nope, sorry. I wish it were. My dream is to make enough money off my art to live comfortably. That hasn't happened yet. And I know it's a long shot, but that's ok. Nursing, at the very least, could afford me a schedule conducive to pursuing that dream. None of this is to say that there are not many (what are typically considered) "positive" reasons why I chose nursing, but I don't feel the need to re-hash the kinds of things everyone's heard before.
Anyways, like I said, not totally sure why I wrote this. I've been lurking here for years and really love the community, just never had much to add. I'm sure I'll get some positive reassurance but I'm not fishing for it. Maybe i'm searching for that one bit of advice that really clicks with me, but I doubt I'll find it. I'm just going through the motions, hoping to keep my sanity somewhat intact before I do anymore damage.
OP: I apologize again for what I said. From you saying that Nursing wasn't your first pick and then Clovery telling you to remind yourself that "it's not that much longer," I got the impression that you didn't like it. Again, sorry if I offended you - I was honestly trying to help both you and future patients (see quote above) by suggesting you find something that truly makes you happy.
It's ok, I know you didn't mean any harm. All I want in life is to be happy but it's obvious I have some basic personal needs that have to be addressed before that can happen.
It is very difficult explaining your own depression to others that have never experienced it. When I'm happy, it's even extremely difficult for me to remember how down I can really get. I usually look back on it like: "Yea, it sucked, but it wasn't a huge deal." That's obviously not the case.
It's just my own personal thoughts but I don't believe in long term meds for depression. I know it works tremendously for many but I believe my own depression is based around circumstance and my own mechanisms for coping and thinking. I have also been told by therapists that I exhibit many ADHD tendencies. I'm always tempted to diagnose myself with ADHD. I have always been a huge procrastinator and have an extremely hard time paying attention in class. Often, this leads to a ton of stress/anxiety when test time/projects come around and that anxiety leads to extreme depression. Again, I'm not huge on long-term med use but I really think ritalin could really do a lot for me.
I'm glad you've found the right think for you and I still believe that I will as well, whether it be meds or otherwise.
SoCal student
52 Posts
It's ok, I know you didn't mean any harm. All I want in life is to be happy but it's obvious I have some basic personal needs that have to be addressed before that can happen.