My life had been going down the pooper for some time. I had a dissatisfied home life on the brink of edges of infertility and losing our current fost/adopt placement. I was working my butt off to be good - to be the best. I had gastric bypass surgery so I slowly started seeing weight drop off that I had been carrying around nearly my whole life. Suddenly it was obviously that there was more than weight that lie underneath.
I hurt my back on a patient in years past and when I would have flare ups I would run to the doctor and have some Norco prescribed. No big deal. When our foster kids left, I had Norco, no big deal. After my first biological baby was born, he was great and kept me motivated. Until I had that bowel obstruction and I was reintroduced to my friend Norco. I took a little from home, a little from work, whatever would keep me going. When I wanted to have a second baby but had a giant cyst instead, Norco was there for me. When depression got too bad, don't worry. Insomnia from infertility depression? Norco. Trying to stay away during my shift? Norco. It was always Norco.
At some point I finally realized I deserved more. My child deserved more. My dear husband deserved more. And I was better than the hold Norco seemed to have on me. I felt my job that was becoming toxic in many ways, but without realizing it there was a dart board on my head for everyone who had their hands in the cookie jars. I was not the only one, just the only one who wanted a change.
in working with a psychiatrist I did feel confident in getting a home health job. I was doing okay, but the family I work working for was rather questionable. They really liked talking about how others were so misfortunate, which I thought was odd, considering the patient herself was a paraplegic for something stupid she had done. But really, I was the idiot because while recovering myself, I borrowed a medication of hers that I was also taking. I had forgotten my dose for my long 12 hour shift and decided to borrow with the intent on replacing it tomorrow. Unfortunately the nan cam caught me and the police were more than happy to take a report. I was changed with a misdemeanor and I was done - done - done with nursing. I made a stupid mistake, I know it.
I was able to move on in life. I left nursing completely, knowing it was no good for me and I couldn't be around substances any longer. It's been 2 very long years now. After a year of beating myself up I finally felt strong enough to venture into the professional world. What would it have for me? I ended up working for a friend who was a State Farm agent and he knew my background. We were braced for a fight - whether it be letters or classes or what have you. My background check came back as "felony -- pending". WHAT?????
I began to work on this right away. And by getting to work I mean I made every phone call I could, couldn't get through to a single person, so stupidly decided to stop by the court house to clear some things up. They handcuffed me and kept me in the county jail for 46 hours. I am now facing a felony trial in the coming weeks and have no idea what to think. The incident was July 2014, it is now July 2016. In the last 2 years I have:
Stopped working.
Sought help from psychiatrists and have been on a min amount of anti depressants.
Have a personal counselor (called Stephen's Minister)
Attend Celebrate Recovery (Like AA/NA in church atmosphere.)
Let my nursing license lapse completely
Started back to a local community college to get a degree as far away from nursing as I can get and 16 credits short of graduating.
Been SOBER and CLEAN for 2+ years!
But this week begins this uphill legal battle and I have no idea what to expect. I haven't been able to fully cry even though my insides are so very broken.
