Well, I believe we both ended up on the same boat. I am somewhere in between loving my job and not knowing which way is up. This is my reality SHOCK of a lifetime. I have been on my own for 6 shifts now and have been terrified. Anything can happen at anytime and somethings I just don't know how to handle yet. Foresight seems to be the key to being a good nurse....I think the quote is something like "hope for the best, prepare for the worst." If you are still hanging in there, then you are doing a great job. I too am somewhere in between perfection and reality. But the reality is that mistakes will be made and if you are careful and smart about it, nobody will get hurt. Try to shift the focus from self blame to solution. What can be done about it now? Much easier to work on the future than it is to change the past.
The reality (and maybe I do believe the best in all people) is that as new nurses we are doing our best. Really. Everyday on the job we give 100%. It is not realistic to compare yourself with the nurses who have been around for awhile. Use them as your role models, but not the competition. We all start at the same place, just not at the same time. Be gentle with yourself. Find ways to reward yourself (massages, bubble baths, girls night out, maybe a new _________?) for all of the hard work you are doing.
As far as not sleeping, I have been experiencing that as well. Lately, as I drive home after my shift, I think about the day. If I felt I did horribly, I think of what I could do differently in the future. If it wasn't related to me but rather the situation, then I focus on 1 thing I did that made a difference. This helps me focus and stay positive. Sometimes it is the little things. I am perfectly capable of ordering ice cream, getting extra blankets, providing pts with ice chips, giving a back rub, etc. I imagine you are too. We are our own worst critics. Try to drown out the negative and find comfort in knowing that many have gone before you and many more will follow in your footsteps. Keep your chin up!