Feeling depressed and hating nursing for fist time of my life.

[Sulyan, BSN]

Hi dear friends,

I'm a new grad. Actually I got my BSN degree abroad, 7 years ago. I had little hospital experience in my country. After I graduated I worked as a community health nurse. Then I moved to the USA. After 4 years of living in the USA I got my license (validated my BSN). Consider as new grad in the USA. I finally got a job in a hospital on Telemetry Unit. I'm in my 5^th week of orientation.

The first 4 weeks were fine. I tried to learn the most I can. But what I did not like of my preceptor, is that she always complains of nursing career. She say nursing is the worst career you choose, because you have to deal with many things, adding that she expresses very negative about the hospital, manager and some coworkers. I was dealing with that and not put attention to what she says. Just I focus on learning the floor routine the nursing duties. I think she expects more from me and this last week she started to be over me and do not let me breath. She judges everything I do, criticizes me negatively. Nothing is good for her. I had never received from her any positive comment or encouragement. I had the opportunity to work with other 2 nurses (when she was off for holidays) and they were great, telling me I'm doing so well and I will be fine. I have been caring for 3 since my 2nd week most of them stable pts. yesterday I had an admission and I had to do head to toe assessment put meds everything you are suppose to do. However before we started we had a meeting staff and that delayed our work. I was able to give all meds from 10 am to my 2 pts. The 3^rd pt. did not have any orders yet. Then I checked at the computer and I saw that DR. just ordered meds for my pt. and fluids D5% and 0.45% sodium chloride. So I went to get the meds and fluids and get the pump. Because I was rushing I got a pump from the clean room it was covered with a bag. I just got it, then I came to the pt room and I plug it to the wall, I took away the bag. And I noticed it was the incorrect pump ( nutrition). So I was aww. OK I thought I will give the oral meds that the DR. prescribed then I'll put this pump away and look for the IV pump. In that moment my preceptor came and started to criticize me. That I don't know anything, that I'm not a safe nurse. I didn't kill anybody and didn't put the live of a pt. in danger. She didn't want to listen to me and she took the pump and went outside the room telling everybody what I did. Telling she doesn't even know which pump to use. She is not ready, she is not safe. And the worst thing is that she screamed at me in front of the pts. And they looked at me as a dumb and stupid nurse. I went in the bathroom and cried, cried and cried, then I wiped my tears and I kept going. She told me I don't know what you tell people who hire you, but you are not safe”. I still have 3 more weeks to go”. I feel so bad. In my way back to home I was crying, and I didn't care If I had an accident. I'm so depressed. This is the only way I can tell my story. Now the techs don't even respect me and they do not even do their job with my pts. Because they want me to do it. I think they talk and make fun of me.

Please somebody tell me is this usual, you feel you fail or nursing is not for you. I choose to be a nurse because I like helping people, care of them, make them feel better ( I started to volunteer in hospitals since I was 14 years old). So far my previous pts told me I ‘m a good nurse.

[not2bblue]

ok you have a horrible preceptor. It isn't you. The other nurses said you were doing fine. Yes, take the bag off next time so you don't waste time bringing the wrong thing in the room and having to clean it when you take it out because it was contaminated by going in the room. Lesson learned. It would be more worrisome if it was the wrong med but this is how you learn. Go immediately to your supervisor and explain that you would like to get the rest of your orientation with another nurse so you can experience another's point of view of nursing. Maybe one of the others you have already worked with and know is a better fit. Briefly and objectively state that you don't feel your current situation is working out. You do not need to run her down, she may be friends with the manager, you may be making a huge mess by talking badly about her, and in any case, you still have to work with the woman after your orientation is done so you don't want to have permanent issues on the unit. Honey, it is hard but the only person you need to worry about thinking badly about you is your manager. You will probably be able to get back on the right side of the techs if you treat them like you respect them. But your manager relies on your preceptor's feedback so you need to head this off before she convinces the manager you aren't getting it. Tell her about the other nurses and ask her to get their input as well. The preceptor running you down to the others is unprofessional and you don't have to put up with that. But, as long as your manager is satisfied with you, once you are off orientation you can simply be polite to your preceptor but you don't have to use her as a resource anymore. Good luck!​

[Lev, MSN, RN, NP]

Contact your manage ASAP and see if you can get a new preceptor. Give the example with the pump and what your preceptor did. If it is exactly as you describe, it was highly inappropriate, especially screaming at you in front of the patients. Try to keep your emotions out of it. If you are on day shift, see if you can switch to nights once you are off orientation. That will help with the tech situation. Don't ever let anyone see you cry again at work. They will rip you apart.

[annabash_rn]

I am so sorry you are having this awful preceptor experience. I agree with the two comments above, you need to have a discussion with your nurse manager. You made a mistake and you learned from it. Pick yourself up and dust off. You are a good nurse!

Stay strong. Sending positive thoughts. Oh and a tip from a fellow crier, chewing gum helps you not cry.

[HouTx, BSN, MSN, EdD]

In my organization, any type of staff outburst within an area where patients can overhear will generate an incident report. This type of behavior can have very serious consequences in terms of patient/family opinion of the care that they have received. It also contributes to loss of team effectiveness, turnover, . . . etc. It would also result in a formal counseling of the employee(s) involved. So I urge OP to take appropriate action as dictated by her employer's policy.

OTOH, if I interpreted OP's story correctly, she is a not-so-new grad and 5 weeks into orientation but having difficulty with a patient load of 3? That's very concerning. The manager &/or educator should be taking some action to get back on track - maybe changing preceptors? - to facilitaate OP's successful achievement of orientation goals before it's too late.

[Lev, MSN, RN, NP]

What is the regular load of patients on your unit?

[turtlesRcool]

In my organization, any type of staff outburst within an area where patients can overhear will generate an incident report. This type of behavior can have very serious consequences in terms of patient/family opinion of the care that they have received. It also contributes to loss of team effectiveness, turnover, . . . etc. It would also result in a formal counseling of the employee(s) involved. So I urge OP to take appropriate action as dictated by her employer's policy.

OTOH, if I interpreted OP's story correctly, she is a not-so-new grad and 5 weeks into orientation but having difficulty with a patient load of 3? That's very concerning. The manager &/or educator should be taking some action to get back on track - maybe changing preceptors? - to facilitaate OP's successful achievement of orientation goals before it's too late.

Totally agree that the issue is more than just the preceptor not being very good at precepting. Yelling at another staff member is not acceptable. Doing so in front of a patient is really unacceptable.

OP needs a new preceptor. And she needs one ASAP.

As for your other point, yes, the patient load seems small, but if it's a specialty floor or one with high acuity, it might be a lot. Regular floors typically run 1:5 for day ratios at my hospital, but stepdown is usually 1:4 and on other floors certain treatments (like chemo running on the oncology floor or a heparin drip on telemetry) call for a 1:4 nurse-patient ratio as well. I think we need to know more before we decide there's a problem with OP's ability to care for a full patient load.

[Sulyan, BSN]

Thank you everybody for the comments. I have not been able to look at website. But I want to say that I have a new preceptor. She is very nice and knowledgeable; she has been working in the unit for 30 years. And she gives me more freedom to use my critical thinking skills. Before everything I tried was based on my preceptor's likes "I hope my preceptor would like this ..... Or what if my preceptor doesn't like that...”.Currently I care for 5-6 pts. I still trying to manage my times better. But at the end of the shift everything is done. I feel so comfortable working with my new preceptor. I still have 7 more days of orientation. I started to feel so anxious about it. I heard that this is normal. Happy holidays!!!