some feedback on my cover letter please??

[Me93RN]

Ive been a nurse for one year, working in pediatric home care. Im desperate for a hospital job. Ive been applying everywhere but I don't have my BSN, although im in the process of getting it, so Im limited. I just revised my cover letter for the millionth time, but I actually like it now.

Im open to suggestions on how I can improve it. Thx!

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Hadasa Greenbaum

Adress

phone number

email

I do everything with a full heart, therefore I need to love what I do. And I love being a nurse.”

To whom it may concern,

I am pleased to be contacting you regarding a Registered Nurse position at your facility. I have no doubt that you receive countless resumes daily, from nurses like me, whom are seeking an opportunity to prove how they can contribute positively to your facility. So I would like to take a moment to thank you for setting aside time to read my resume thus far, and to request that you read through the duration of it so that I can tell you about myself, my aspirations in the nursing career, and my desire to contribute to your facility.

I was raised in a home in which my father served as an active paramedic in the community. From the time I was young, I admired his endless giving to help those in times of need. I jumped at every opportunity to help” my father with his medical work, whether it was handing him supplies or giving an injured child a lollypop, to ease their pain. I acquired a strong desire to devote my life to helping others. As I approached adulthood, it was clear that my enthusiastic, positive and compassionate personality would allow me to contribute positively to the health care system.

At this point I would like to share with you my nursing experience and aspirations for the future. My work experience has all been with the pediatric population, which I enjoy enormously, but I feel that I can adapt easily to provide dedicated nursing care to any population. One trait that I definitely do not have a shortage of is my compassion for other people, and with that, the ability to provide continuous, patient-centered care. In fact, my ability to provide dedicated care was noted in NewYork-Presbyterian/Weill Cornell Medical Center, as I spent many hours in the Pediatric ICU tending to a child from my work. Thus, I was requested as a private duty nurse in the PICU before I even had my nursing license, and hired immediately after obtaining it. In addition, its often been said that in my work environment, I can accomplish as much as a few employees together. With my strong inner drive to achieve excellence in whatever I do, I aspire to be an asset to the healthcare system. I am determined to use my strengths, and to learn from my mistakes in order to achieve continuous professional growth.

I would be pleased to have the opportunity to discuss my strengths and skills with you further. I am certain that you are very busy, and would happily interview at your convenience. I can be reached at 845-xxx-xxxx. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Hadasa Greenbaum

[ORNurseCOS]

Hadasa,

If you would be willing to email the cover letter I would take the time to give you my opinions on the letter. I have 10 years experience in finance and was recently hired at a magnet hospital in the ICU out of school.

For what its worth, I think your letter is pretty good but could benefit from some changes. Remember, the letter is not only about you but it shows that you've researched the institution for which you are applying. From there you match your strength to their mission, values and goals and state your case for why you are a good fit for the position.

For what it is worth I have posted mine below (edited) for your review to give you a different perspective.

It is with great enthusiasm that I submit my application to the ************* Graduate Nurse Internship Program. I learned of the upcoming opportunity by staying attune to your website and by monitoring your LinkedIn page consistently. The mission to serve all people by providing personalized health and wellness through exemplary care, education, and research as a Christian ministry of healing speaks directly to me as a person. As a new graduate nurse looking to practice compassionate patient-centered care, I can think of no better place to begin my career. I will be graduating from the ************* in August and would be honored to be considered for your internship program with a focus in critical care.

As my enclosed resume indicates, I have a had a previous career in finance. I believe the experience and skills acquired during these eight years will strongly support my transition into a career in nursing. Communication, leadership, compliance, adherence to stringent deadlines while maintaining focus in a fast paced environment are just a few attributes I believe will impact my ability to not only be a competent nurse but one that shall excel in the critical care setting.

My personal experiences in the hospital setting, which occurred outside of my academic background, have had a major impact on my decision to pursue this career path. Having cared for my mother for three years until her death exposed me to the world of nursing. This journey led me to a personal realization I could do more. I was reminded of the words of a teacher from long ago, and for the first time in my life my path came into focus: Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” I realized the only thing in the world that truly matters to me is to help people, just like those who had helped us over the last three years. I realized that laying your life down does not have to be in physical death, but in death to oneself. You can give your life, your time, and your energy to the pursuit of beating back sickness while helping those who cannot help themselves in a time when they need you the most.

I truly believe my academic background, combined with my life experience, makes me a good fit for a position in critical care within your organization. I look forward to hearing from you about this program and would love an opportunity to further discuss the opportunity in person.

Sincerely,

[canigraduate]

I think it would help to contact a professional resume writer that targets healthcare. If you can't afford that, here is my advice:

While the language is pretty, your letter is wordy. Recruiters and hiring managers don't have time to read all that.

This letter is your sales pitch to a bored audience. You have a limited window of time to grab attention with this letter. It needs to showcase how you will fit in. Address it to the correct person. Make sure you reflect the company's values. Make a few short, pithy points that demonstrate how you will be an asset to them. Remember that your letter is one among possibly hundreds, if not thousands. If every letter is a short story, the recruiter simply won't have time to read them and will end up throwing most of them away. Be considerate and make it easy for them to fall in love with you. Don't make them work for it.

Here's an example of what I mean:

Dear (recruiter mentioned in job listing or the ever-popular Hiring Manager),

I saw your listing for xyz position on xyz.com. I am interested in learning more about this opportunity.

I offer a compassionate nature, an internal drive to excel, and previous experience with fragile babies. My last supervisor has given me many compliments for my work ethic and my ability to accomplish the work of several people at once. I embody your company's values of such-and-such by doing -whatever- in my daily routine. I would be an excellent asset for you.

I am available for interview and can be reached at 123-456-7890, or at [email protected].

Thank you for your time,

Sincere Job Applicant.

Repeat phone # and email address

Hope that helps!

[MissPatricia]

Hadasa,

If you would be willing to email the cover letter I would take the time to give you my opinions on the letter. I have 10 years experience in finance and was recently hired at a magnet hospital in the ICU out of school.

For what its worth, I think your letter is pretty good but could benefit from some changes. Remember, the letter is not only about you but it shows that you've researched the institution for which you are applying. From there you match your strength to their mission, values and goals and state your case for why you are a good fit for the position.

For what it is worth I have posted mine below (edited) for your review to give you a different perspective.

Sincerely,

Excellent example of a cover letter, MurseCumberbatch2b!

I agree! The cover letter should address how the hospital's mission and values align with your own, and how your previous experience demonstrates your capacity to contribute to them. And as a new grad, a more lengthy cover letter that strongly communicates your potential can make you stand out from the crowd.

Hadasa, I suggest that you begin your cover letter with an introduction of yourself, and why you are interested in the position.

Mentioning your father's inspiration is relevant, but should be more concise. I suggest no more than 1-2 sentences.

Write about your specific skills, and how you have demonstrated them in your previous experiences. I also suggest a separate paragraph for each skill that you mention.

Good luck!

[llg, PhD, RN]

Cover letters should be short and easy to read at a glance. No one who receives applications has time to read lengthy essays.

I suggest something along the lines of what canigraduate, RN wrote -- although maybe a tiny bit longer to highlight skills and experience of special relevance to the job you are applying for. And always make your cover letter specific to the institution, not generic.

Short, specific, powerful. It's you 15 seconds of reading time to tell them why they should look more closely at you.

[NICUismylife, ADN, BSN, RN]

You asked for advice, so I'm going to be blunt: Wow, that was long.

The whole first paragraph can be cut. It's completely unnecessary. You need to be short, sweet, and to the point, or it will end up in the trash. I almost didn't want to keep reading.

The 2nd paragraph just has too much information. Your message is lost because there is just so much to get through. Keep it simple and to the point. Something like "Growing up, my father was a paramedic and he inspired me to......" Statements about handing lollipops to kids may make you feel warm and fuzzy and is maybe a cute story to share in person, but in writing, it just makes you sound young and overly idealistic.

General rule: 1st paragraph about you, what you bring to the table, your strengths, background, etc. 2nd paragraph, about their organization, why you specifically want to work FOR THEM. Make it personal. Do your values match their mission? Is there something special about their dept that excites you? Did you have clinic there and absolutely love the staff? They need to feel wanted too. 3rd paragraph, summary, closing, and something about looking forward to meeting with them.

[TuesdaysChild]

Make it as short as you can... and then cut it in half. Anything else I would add has already been stated. Boom. Done.