Fear

[KalipsoRed]

I called off from work today, and I'm not sick. This makes me sad. I'm at a loss as to where to turn to. I've been on my telemetry floor since June '08, I switched to nights in an effort to feel better about my job in Dec. '08. The last two nights have been bad for me. I had 5 patients both nights and both nights 2 or 3 of them kept me running all night. I feel so sad about my life in general right now...like there is nothing to look forward to from any aspect of my life. I've been feeling this way since I started my job. Here is what is really sad about the whole situation. I work on a floor with a lot of good people who are, for the most part, supportive. My manager was supportive since she let me move to nights when I couldn't hack the day shift. In my hospital I could be pulled to a different floor if my home floor has enough nurses but others don't. I have not been pulled off my floor since I started my job, and from what I'm told my floor is one of the coushiest floors in the hospital as far as staffing goes. I have had to work a few times as a PCA on my floor and I have had to work as a PCA/Nurse/Secretary for all 4 of my patients before when staffing gets cut back.

So since I've been feeling down I thought it was because I hadn't been home in a while, my family lives in a different state. So I went on vacation to see my family and had a pretty good visit. I came back and went back to work and had two really crappy nights. It was all I could do to keep on top of the 2 or 3 patients I had that were going bad. My other patients got only what the absolutely had to have out of me. In fact they didn't really even get that because I got them their pain medication but I didn't get around to stuff like insulins and they were getting their antibiotic 2 hours late, so on and so forth. I had to stay after 2 hours both nights to get my charting caught up, and that did not include going through the computer charting and taking out all the medications that I didn't give to patients but pulled from the pixis. So now these poor people are going to be charged for things they didn't even get. I feel so incompetent and unorganized. I have a system and on most days it works pretty well, but when things happen back to back to back any system I've tried has gone out the window.

I feel like such a wuss. It appears to me that other nurses are capable of staying on top of things even when it gets really bad, but I'm not. My coworkers were even helping me as much as they could but I still was so far behind and sometimes when they asked me if they could help I couldn't even think of what I could get them to do for me, though I had tons of stuff needed done. The only thing I'm sort of proud of is that I didn't cry until I got in my car both nights...other times this has happened I just started crying in the hallway. I cried all the way home and when I woke up this evening to get ready for work I started crying before I even got into the shower. I'm not sick, but I figure if I can't even start the day off tear free it wasn't going to take much to get me going at work tonight, so I called off.

I can't tell if I'm just a really crappy nurse with no business in the field or not. I feel like I'm a crappy nurse, but no manager has actually told me that yet. I'm so sad that I can't be proud of my self, that I can't see a happy future in what I'm doing. I can't see a way out either. I'm lucky to have a job right now and I know it. I'm afraid to start looking at a different position do to the fact that I don't have much experience and I know that nursing jobs are disappearing by the day. I can't quit where I work because I would owe them a lot of money that I don't have, not to mention the lot of money I owe back in student loans.

I'm also sad because I'm not achieving much in my personal life right now either. I'm single and I want to be with someone, but I didn't date or go out during nursing school because it was all I could do to go to school and deal with work. I feel like switching to nights has limited my ability to see my friends and to date, but I have not doubt in my mind that nights is where I need to be right now. I also haven't found a way to exercise that fits my working schedule and the weight gain is bothering me. I just feel lost, alone, and trapped. I don't know if where I'm at is normal, if it is my floor or type of nursing I chose to do, or if I even have any business being a nurse. All I know is that I feel bad that I'm doing stuff like calling off when I'm not sick because I emotionally cannot survive another day at work this week, even though I've only worked 2 days.

[xariel]

When I first started (I'm not quite a year out at this point) I couldn't handle three nights in a row, I had to do two and then the other later in the week. I feel your pain. Work hard on organization, try to make a system on your own time that will help you organize at work. Things get better after about 6 months.

[JazzyNursie87]

My only advice to you is to hang in there. Things will work out...they ALWAYS end up working out. If you feel like nights aren't for you, don't stay there. I work nights and don't mind it at all. However, I know people that literally get depressed and sick when working nights. I'm sure it's something to do with the circadium rythm.

As for exercise, it's really hard to do when you are working 3 nights a week. I've also gained a little bit of weight. My preceptor constantly offering me candy bars sure isn't helping!! :) What I've found works for me is group fitness classes such as kickboxing, aerobics, and yoga. I find a few a week that fit into my schedule. It's hard for me to do my own workout, but when there is an instructor to motivate me, it is a whole lot easier. If you aren't great at the beginning, keep going back! You'll get better. Even if you only start out with 1 or 2 classes a week, it's something! I can bet it will also make you feel a whole lot better about all aspects of your life, personal and professional.

Good luck, and again, HANG IN THERE!!

[Rook]

Hang in there. If you have having trouble dealing w/ things you might want to try contacting employee help services. Its free, plus the companies that run them are usually very professional and can help you find strategies to get your personal and professional life together. They helped me alot after my gf died in a prev job a few years ago.

[bisson]

OP, i share your pain. im not single, but im going through a crappy marriage, where we cant be apart, but we cant be together. all i can do is eat and sleep to cope with feeling incompetent. when does the fun start?

[southernbelle08]

I'm gonna start off by offering you some ***HUGS***

I feel you, I really do. I just left a job where I felt the way you are feeling most nights. I wasn't in a supportive environment, and being overwhelmed just made things THAT much worse. I was also driving 1.5 hours to work and the lack of sleep from getting out late and getting up early to do it all over again was also getting to me. I started calling out as well. I couldn't handle the mental exhaustion, the drive, or the crappy people I had to work with. I quit and recently started at a new hospital about 20 minutes from me. It has made all the difference in the world. My first day at this hospital was 90% better than my first day at the last hospital - that has to count for something. I'm not saying I will never have a crappy shift, but the whole entire atmosphere is better where I am now.

I am not telling you to go and quit your job by any means, but I am telling you that I HAVE been where you are. I have experienced the feelings you described in your post, and I didn't want you to feel so alone. If you ever need to chat or vent, I am a PM away!!

Hang in there, you are NOT alone!!

[belle1963]

I gave pepcid early and the daughter blew a lid. Also that I crushed meds for my resident that is on a puree diet. Who knows but the daughter must have alot of pull...I am no longer working. I am sad..but hearing that meds where late or not given at all gives me hope. Anyway when one door closes another opens.

I am not nocturnal and was unable to work nights especially 12 hour shifts. I think you may be having a difficult time with the day night change. Please remember that during the day when sleeping be in complete darkness. I am sure you are. As for making it throught the night staying organized is vital in which I suppose you are. After report first write down on one side of paper room #'s then hour of times across the top. In seperate colors put time meds are due, IV's, and insulin as per resident. Check on the list every half hour and this will keep your meds flowing. Also check the previous MAR and you will be able to know each residents rtn of pain control. In down time chart. Best to you. It must be an adjustment.

[Mahage, LPN]

Hey Red, I sort of know how you feel. I go along thinking I am doing great, then a run of bad nights hits me. If I have a bad night and a certain CN is working, she helps a lot and I usually end up learning a lot from the situation. If the CN who seems very critical of me is in charge then I can usually count on a situation going from bad to worse because of her criticizm instead of assistance.

The other night I was shocked, she actually gave my new admit a bath after she had sent the PCT home. She usually goes out of her way not to help me. 3 of us only had 2 patients each and she gave me the admission though one nurse was precepting a senior student and the other one with 2 patients was doing loads of gossiping. This was an ED admission and there is always loads more to do for them than if one comes in from one of the ICUs. I thought well maybe she does give a rip, but who knows.

She has gigged me too many times for me to have any confidence in her continued support. NIght before last when I was working the less acute side, I only had 4 pts, my coworker only had 4 patients and we had a tech between us, all was going great and then she called to tell ME that I was getting a new patient. Not the other nurse, but me, from the ED of course. She never made it up to our end to put in orders. She did send someone up there about two hours after the pt came in. Luckily the patient wasn't real bad, didn't have a horrible amount of orders and we had a really good tech.

I was able to scan in the med sheet to pharmacy, get everything going, then go put in orders and the tech hooked her up with scd's, pulse ox, etc. and gave her trauma bath. We had the chart put together and the patient put together, LOL, by the time the nurse from the other end came up to help me. I still couldn't help feeling some resentment that if there is a choice about who gets the new patient, she seems to pitch them my way. Guess she thinks that if she gives me enough practice I will get better! Well she may be right. I tend to learn from my mistakes and she generally gives me plenty of opportunities for learning experiences. I honestly am really proud of those last couple of shifts with her:yeah: and my shift last night, though she wasn't charge.

Last night, my coworker got the new patient, we knew he was coming but not when and we both tried to have everything caught up that we could, so we could get her new pt situated in. She had a much busier night than I had as she had two patients who were pulling at iv's, tubes and lines. She doesn't like to use restraints and had not restrained either of them, though I suggested maybe she should. Both of them pulled their iv's out, one pulled his peg tube out and another pulled the strap of of his halo vest loose and spilled coke all over himself. Her most easy patients were a paraplegic who was very needy and a MVC who was obese and had to have the bedpan every hour or so. Her night had been rough already. I filled in for her with the doc who was putting in the new peg tube while she got report on her new pt coming. I gave some of her meds, and did her I's and O's. I was able to get my 4 o'clocks and 6 o'clocks accomplished around 5 except for the one patient who was finally sleeping and I decided to wait until almost 6 to do his round. I did my I's and O's when I did that combined round.

Then of course her new patient arrives around 5:30. He was accompanied by a demanding girlfriend and a sense of entitlement. She scanned in the med sheet and I started putting her orders in while she and the tech took care of the patient. I got the chart put together and the charge nurse comes up and asks if I can help my co-worker put in orders. I laughed and told her it was done. She was most appreciative because they had gotten 3 or 4 new admitts on the other end and had to call a rapid response on one.

My co-worker expressed her gratitude for my help and told me that she hated that she had not helped me the night before when I got the new pt. I told her that the situation with my new patient had presented with better timing. I told her I very much enjoy a team effort and if I had been struggling the night before I would have asked for her help. I think she saw though, that I did go out of my way to help her and she is one of the newer nurses who has always been available when I asked or needed help. It was nice to be able to back her up. She was even able to get the assessment and the Data base done and gave report on time. I was through 15 minutes early! I even truely did education and counseling, paperwork, stuffed charts, assisted a doctor with a minor proceedure and felt really really good about the night. Having good techs both nights who weren't overwhelmed was a big plus also.

Do weeks like this happen often???? Not often enough in my opinion. But I sure do enjoy the ones that do come along. Reminds me that I :redbeathe nursing!

Mahage