Best ER Nurse quotes

[JennyAS]

To the loudly snoring ETOHer found in an Auto Repair Shop: "Maybe she needs her air filter changed."

To the drug seeker throwing out his best pseudo-seizure: "Sir, that's not a seizure. Stop shaking." Response by pt: Immediately sits straight up and says, "I'm fine... sometimes that happens."

From security guard to combative ETOHer being introduced to his very first Foley: "Just relax and enjoy it!"

Triage nurse note: "Pt presents with L wrist pain, fell while off-road unicycling."

Charge nurse to triage nurse: "I think that 'member suture removal' needs to be upgraded to a level 1."

I think this could turn into a good thread. :wink2:

[ershockerRN]

Discharge them quick before they get sick

I never saw a skeleton sitting in the lobby.- an er doc said this to one the nurses when she stated the guy didn't have a ride home.

[Larry77, RN]

Had to post a phone call I got today...

"My friend has a blood clot, should she not use drugs?"....

Me, "you want me to tell your friend that it is ok to use drugs...?"

Her, "But should she not use drugs?"

Me, "Ma'am you should never use drugs, period"

Her, "But it's my friend"

Me, "Well, technically nobody should ever use drugs..."

LOL...don't think I gave her the answer she was going for...some people are idiots!

[PMFB-RN, RN]

My favorite thing to say to the medicaid mom who brings (via EMS, of course) the youngest of their brood to the ER with "troble breath".

Me: Mom, do you smoke?

Mom: Yes, but we never smoke in the same room as him.

Me: So, if we are in a pool together, is it okay if I swim to the other side and poop?

It's amazing to see that even the least educated have "light-bulb" moments.

*** Ha! That's great. I am going to use it.

[Erin, RN]

Never, never a dull day at work... I love every moment. :)

Most common triage convo in the history of the women's ER:

Pts: I'm here for a pregnancy test.

Me: We don't do pregnancy tests by request here. Is there any emergency you'd like to be seen for?

Pts: Well then how am I supposed to know if I'm pregnant?!?!

Me: Take a pregnancy test.

Pts: Where am I supposed to get one of those?

Me: any grocery store, Walmart, Target, the dollar store, a free clinic, or a pregnancy center

Pts: If I just tell you something's wrong with me, will I get a pregnancy test while I'm here?

My New Favorite Line

Me: What brings you into the emergency room today?

Pts w/ non-emergent complaints (take your pick): "I started my period." "It hurts when I have sex for the last 3 years." "I've had discharge for the last 6 months." "Sometimes I have abdominal pain, but not this week" etc.

Me: Ohh, I see.... So what problem brings you into the emergency room today?

Amazing triage conversations I've had in the last 2 weeks...

Patient 1

Chief complaint: tampon stuck

Me: What happened, honey? The string pulled off?

Pt: Ehhh.... not exactly.

Me: Well then how did it get stuck?

Pt: I cut it off.

Me: Why in the world did you do that?

Pt: for my job

Me: I don't understand

Pt: Well, I'm a stripper! I shouldn't have to miss work just because I'm on my period.

Patient 2

Chief complaint: I started my period (arrived via ambulance high as a kite on PCP)

Me: You don't actually take the Lithium anymore though?

Pt: No, but that's where the PCP comes in. It makes me less angry at people, places, and things. Then sometimes it makes me more angry at people, places, and things, but usually not.

Same patient-

Pt: Do you want to know why I don't like the police here?

Me: yep, why?

Pt: Well, last time I was here it was involuntary. Then when I got discharged, I was in the ER waiting room, and I threw a drink on a man and punched him in the face. He hit me back, but then the police handcuffed me and hauled me off. They say I'm the crazy one? HE was the who fighting a woman!! Hey, I think we have really good rapport by the way. Can you believe some people don't like me?

Patient 3

Chief complaint: I know I'm pregnant

Background: Regular monthly periods (including that day), negative pregnancy test, and history of tubal ligation...

Pt: I know I'm pregnant anyways because I can feel the baby kicking.

Me: Are you sure it's not gas?

Pt: Gas kicks?

Me: Yes. It really does.

As I began to realize my efforts to tell this lady she wasn't pregnant were fruitless, I moved on. I specifically asked if she had any psychiatric history, which she denied, but then there were 5 or 6 psych meds listed on her med rec.

Me: You denied having any psychiatric problems, but you take several psych meds. What do you have?

Pt: I don't actually take them.

Me: Not taking meds for something doesn't mean you don't have it. What have you been diagnosed with?

Pt: ok, ok fine, bipolar and depression

Me: not schizophrenia?

Pt: no way (starting to get a little irritated with me, I might add)

Then when I got to allergies...

Pt: oh, and Haldol

Me: You said you weren't schizophrenic when I asked.

Pt: I'm not

Me: Then how do you know you're allergic to Haldol?

Pt: It was an accident!!

Me: How'd you get the Haldol to accidentally take?

Pt: I TOLD you already, it was an accident!

Me: I understand that you accidentally took the Haldol. How did you get the Haldol to accidentally take?

Pt: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!!! (was very mad at me by this point and yelling)

Me: Ok, you accidentally took Haldol. How did you get your hands on the pill since it's a prescription medication?

Pt: I was cleaning my garage, and you know how sometimes Haldol is red and sometimes aspirin is red? I went to get my bottle of aspirin from the garage cabinet, and I took a red pill, and then I said "oh! that was Haldol! I think I'm allergic to it!" I guess some of my friend's Haldol fell into my aspirin bottle.

Other nurse after I sent my Haldol friend to the waiting room: Man, she didn't like you. I thought you were about to get punched in the face.

(So did I, dear friend. So did I.)

Patient 4

Chief complaint: no complaint, wanted a pregnancy test

See above shpill for what we say if that's all they want...

Me: I'll be happy to sign you in to be seen today, but I need you to tell me something to sign you in for. Do you have any problem? Any problem at all?

Pt: no

Me: How am I supposed to sign you in to be seen then if you don't have a problem?

Pt: ok, well yesterday? It felt like two samurais took samurai swords, and then they went bam! bam! and stabbed me with them twice in the stomach. Then when I stood up, I peed on myself 3 times, so I KNOW I have an STD, and I know I'm pregnant.

(I'll be darned if she wasn't right on both accounts. Ah, the good life...)

[RN Joe 86]

An exchange with a brand new intern after a woman coded and expired.

Intern: So, what do I do now?

Me: You declare the death.

Intern: How?

Me: Poke her with a stick and see if she moves. If not, declare the time of death.

Intern: You're crazy.

Me: I know.