During my illness, I received word that my Great Auntie had died. In the next sentence, I learned she had taken her own life. She did this the week before her husband's scheduled memorial service.
I am still grieving her loss. Tomorrow is their joint memorial... one I really wanted to attend. But since I just had surgery last week, I can't travel. I dropped my parents and brother off at the airport yesterday, after warning them of the security issues of the day, and returned home. I've been mulling my Aunt's suicide, a choice she made and we have to live with...
Elderly suicide is not uncommon. As a matter of fact, they are the age group most likely to succeed. Is it due to their knowledge? Is it their determination and force of will?
According to some sources, elders comprise 12% of our population but make up 20% of all successful suicides. These numbers do not include "silent suicides" ... those elders who die from purposeful non-compliance with medical regimes, dehydration, or starvation.
Aren't there supposed to be signed? For some, there ARE signs: change in routine, social isolation, verbalizations, and changes in self-grooming. For others, it is as simple as "putting affairs in order". How do we, as concerned friends and family know when some of these subtle signs are related to normal aging, grief, or suicidal ideation? The sad fact is that we miss these cues every day; we attribute these events as 'normal aging'.
My Great Aunt had lost her husband a few months before. After his death, she moved from the nursing home back to the assisted living they had lived in before his illness necessitated a higher level of care. She wasn't writing, but she was playing bingo and such. She was eating, grooming, and gave all the appearances of simply being a woman who was still grieving the loss of her husband... they HAD been together for about 60 years after all! Though the move took her further from her son's home, it brought her closer to the extended family network. She had frequent visitors and was taken out and about town regularly.
When the signs are seen, the person can begin therapy, be placed on close watch, they can even be hospitalized if necessary. Loved ones can intervene.
In her case, no one suspected.
Her suicide note stated she missed her hubby. She also said if she was 'in her right mind' she might be able to get to the other side of her grief. After all, you don't live to a ripe old age without being able to process grief and other intense emotions. But because she 'wasn't in her right mind', she was simply done. She didn't want to hurt anyone, but she was done.
She then jumped off her 3rd-floor balcony. She died instantly upon impact.
What mind was she referring to? A mind and heart filled with grief? Her slowing mental processes? Or perhaps her increasing confusion? One of the saddest things to witness is the slow decline of a vibrant and intelligent person's mental cognition. She knew for several years she was becoming more confused. Her own mother was institutionalized for something similar for the last decade of her life. Could those memories, combined with her own grief, created a fear that she just didn't want to deal with anymore?
We'll never know now ... we can only guess her motivation.
I like to think her hubby caught her soul on the way down and held her in his arms again.
My fiance made that choice 19 years ago. Unfortunately, recognizing the s/s sometimes isn't possible until after the fact. But, that doesn't make it hurt any less, nor does it ease the inital dose of "I should have known..." guilt. Thankfully, as trite as it is, the pain does lessen with time.
Blessings to you and yours. (As well as to Hope2, OregonGal, Button06 and theirs) I'm so sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry for your loss, but your tribute to your aunt and the subject of elderly suicide was a poignant, personal and sentimental look at the subject through not only your eyes, but the eyes of your aunt, and I was in tears at the last sentence. Truly, I believe her husband caught her on the way down and she was lifted back up. What a lovely blend of fact and family...Thank you so much for sharing.
I am very sorry for your loss. I believe your right when you mention the elderly often succeed. Often the elderly have other chronic illnesses to contend with since they are just naturally more fragile, perhaps that is the reason they succeed. Or perhaps, they grew up in a generation of determination, that helped make this nation what it is to day, and this determination could certainly be a factor for suicidal risk. You mentioned you grandmother had recently lost her mate of 60 years, AND she was having memory difficulties. Perhaps she just figured she would take charge of her death and her life, and pass on as she wished. I too am a romantic, and would like to think your grandfather was waiting.
My husband and I lost our 22 y/o son to suicide in 2/04. In retrospect, the signs were there, but we didn't see them. "John" was very handsome, and very athletic, so when he was losing weight, I told him he looked to thin, he said "just trying to get back to my wrestling weight" I told him not to lose anymore. A few months earlier, he had moved out of state for a job, and was visiting over Thanksgiving. He slept most of the time he was at home, he said "I just not feeling well, must have caught a bug".
He returned home, and we got the call one night that he had hung himself. Apparently he had a cocaine addiction, and we believe he was embarrassed because he couldn't "Kick the addiction" himself.
It doesn't do any good to play the "what if I saw the signs" or "If I had only..." Hind sight is always 20/20 - but even so, it's not always right.
My suggestion would be to enjoy your years of wonderful memories, remember the good times, and know that when your time comes, they will be there to meet you.
Thank you for sharing about your son ... it is hard to be left behind after a suicide, but I too focus on the good memories and try to respect the choices made by those I love.
I just attended a funeral for a man who was one of my son's favorite teachers. I hear that he hung himself. He'd struggled with depression for over a year. His family and friends knew, and tried to help.
Now I must figure out what/how to tell my son when he gets home from camp tomorrow.
Mom2twins: I do not envy the discussion you will be having with your son tomorrow. There are those who think we should whitewash the truth and leave bits out ... but doing that makes us liers in our children's eyes when the truth comes out later. Providing information that makes our kids grow up more quickly is always difficult.
Safta: I do believe that most of us have worked through out grief in some fashion. Some do believe that suicide is the ultimate selfish act. But depression is a selfish disease; one that makes it almost impossible to see beyond the tip of one's nose. This lack of perspective is part of the tragedy that can lead to successful suicide.
Thanks, NM. I won't lie to him. It would be a bad idea for many reasons, not the least of which is that kids talk, and he'll hear it from someone else if not from me.
MNmom3boys
169 Posts
My fiance made that choice 19 years ago. Unfortunately, recognizing the s/s sometimes isn't possible until after the fact. But, that doesn't make it hurt any less, nor does it ease the inital dose of "I should have known..." guilt. Thankfully, as trite as it is, the pain does lessen with time.
Blessings to you and yours. (As well as to Hope2, OregonGal, Button06 and theirs) I'm so sorry for your loss.