Don't Be Angry - Part III

[doesntlookgood]

Part III - And just like everything else in life, my little non-sensical rambling is almost ending (YAY!).

Only a few more rants, and I'll leave you fine people pretty much alone.

Did you ever look in the mirror, and wonder "Why Me"? Nursing, like Aviation is usually a calling...often it chooses you, not the other way around. Did you ever notice the personality traits most of you have in common? Perhaps you never noticed, or you might be too modest to admit it even to yourself, even in your most private moments.

Nurses GIVE OF THEMSELVES FIRST and CARE ABOUT THEMSELVES LAST.

*Sorry to shout*

Think about your personal life...when you reflect, and take notes, I'll bet my next paycheck that YOUR needs (to say nothing of wants) came dead last on a regular basis.

It happened in your personal life, your romantic life, and your academic life.

Now it's happening in your professional life. Some Mental Health folks feel strongly that the sense of service and sacrifice has underpinnings in some type of compromised sense of self-esteem. I'm conflicted of whether they're "on to something" or they simply think TOO MUCH. However, it IS strange how open Nurses generally are to alternative ideas; yet raise the bar when they look in the mirror. Some people call that "elitism", but I disagree.

I'm a pretty smart guy, with a lot of experience. I've taken my CPR class and I know basic first aid. That'll work in a pinch, but a new RN has FORGOTTEN more about A&P, to say nothing of healthcare than I know right now. Who would you rather have nearby when things "go south"?

I thought so.

When I lost my medical and finally accepted I would never fly again I had an epiphany. I looked at my first Pilots' Logbook. The initial entry was for my first lesson in a sailplane when I was 13. NINE full logbooks later, and my final flight...MD-80 MDW-DSM-MDW.

19,477 hours of flight time.

My wife was away on business, so I went to our bedroom and while still wearing my clothes covered my head and with the baffled logic of a small child cried myself to sleep.

The next morning when I awoke I was conscious for the length of a song and started to cry once again. Got myself settled down and decided to hit the shower...that'll work...I LOVE showers. Vomited 3X while in the shower. Like an airplane operating at the edge of its envelope, I'm in real danger here of spinning out of control.

Plus there's a gun in the house.

Now I'm afraid of MYSELF. Got dressed, grabbed some cash & house keys and started walking at 6:00am. Got back home 13 hours later. Saw things from a different perspective...made friends with a couple of dogs in their yards...actually stopped at a Tavern in the afternoon (never did that!) and had a couple of beers.

I could have (and maybe should have) been angry at the sacrifices I made:

The hopelessly shattered relationships due to my love affair with airplanes

The astounding amounts of ca$h for sophisticated training

The missed holidays (just like Nursing, No?)

When I was young, and all my buddies were "hooking up", I was flying into BFE at O-dark-thirty.

But after reflection:

The sunsets and sunrises - unbelievable!

The people I've met and spoken with - names anyone not living in a cave would recognize.

The places I've seen, both on the ground and from the air.

The people I've worked with...so much like Nurses. Sometimes really HARD on the outside (need THAT to survive!) but the sweetest / kindest people around. It seems like we're "kindred spirits".

Fast forward to a few days ago, and I'm taking a walk. A woman approaches from the opposite direction, and she's wearing an American Airlines sweatshirt.

I look her in the eye and we both slow.

"Hey, you work @ American?"

"Yep."

"What do you do?"

"I'm a pilot."

"What equipment?"

Her eyes narrow...the word equipment is key.

"Mad Dog"

"Eh. I medically-retired from the -80 at Midway."

"Really..."

Then she asks an arcane technical question about the airplane. Naturally I nail it, and we both smile. Stood there talking on the sidewalk for at least 20 minutes. We exchange business cards. And she looks at my card.

"So you own your own business?"

I smile...

"I do."

She looks at me...

"Damn. Lucky You."

[FA to CRNA2b]

I'm a flight attendant as well as a nurse. I'm sorry you sound down.

[canoehead, BSN, RN]

Big hug.

I think you will find something you love, just like flying, but you need to stay out in the world, and be patient.

[FA to CRNA2b]

Doesntlookgood,

I've always loved flying, since the first day I got my wings 23 years ago. It's difficult for those who have never lived the life of a crewmember to understand. I went to nursing school after 9/11 because of the instability of the airline industry. It was a practical choice rather than one of true passion or calling, as you say. Since 9/11, the airlines have lost over 100k employees so you are not alone. I believe that there is something else out there for you and me. I know that nursing is not the answer for you either by the title of your thread. Have you thought of starting a blog for airline people who are now in the medical field? Maybe post a new thread over on USAviation.com. There is life after flying!

[stellina615]

Doesntlookgood -

I'm one of those psych nurses you mentioned who thinks too much. The parts of your post that jumped out at me were "And just like everything else in life, my little non-sensical rambling is almost ending (YAY!)" "I’m in real danger here of spinning out of control," and the fact that there is a gun in your home. Forgive me for singling out these points from your post and do forgive me if I'm misconstruing what you're saying, but if you are feeling unsafe, please get some help. The emergency room is always a good spot to start if there are no hotlines in your area. Please take care and know that there are people out in cyberspace rooting for you!

Best wishes,

A psych nurse who thinks too much

[Cindy1ou]

Dear Doesn't L.G.,

You're one of the best writer's I've read of late. I'm right with you all the way, involved in the spirit and logic. That's right and left brain, with added passion, and the thought sticks. So, I have to tell you, I'm scared to death. I think you're right and I'm so afraid I've wasted so much time and life on education and career, and like you, may someday have the blessing that is the work I do, taken away.

I'm sitting in quandry, do I continue to fight tooth and nail, hoping to keep what we've got? Or do I consider it a fate accomplis, cut my losses and spend more time tending the daffodils and asparagas?

I think you can imagine what I've given up to get my education and I have another year to go (+), plus an awful lot of pain and grief, to earn my ARNP-FNP. I'm already mourning the loss of the year to come, where I will spit back the company line so that I will be blessed with the papers I need to do the work I want to do. I recognize the need for education, I love education, but I have paid a dear price... and the bad news is? I understand that by 2015, probably sooner, I will be required to have a PhD. to keep my little clinic.

I don't know... but I think we need your help. People like you, and me, and lots and lots more. Don't go away. We need help, and you're just the guy to do it.

Cindy in Seattle

[doesntlookgood]

Hey Guys...thanks for your replies.

Sorry that I startled you. There is a new posting that explains more detail.

The board moderator jumped on me right away, and we had a nice personal email.

Your education being a waste? No Way.

When I reflect on my past experiences, the FIRST things that come to mind are all the positive things. Isn't that odd?

One would think that the negative aspects would be First In Line, but No.

"What's that ringing?"

"It's the phone, the call is for you."

"I don't want to answer. You pick it up and tell them I'm not here."

Talking to other guys, you'd be AMAZED about how many Men regret not answering the call.

Nursing/Pilot/Firefighter/Ski Bum/Rock Star/Own Business/Academia