Done with Denial

[RN_hissey]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here. I'm in desperate need of help...even if it's just some feedback. Ever since I was about 10yrs old, I've been obsessed with any and every form of self-injurious behavior. Back then it may have been trivial. Pretty minimal stuff compared to now, but i can look back and see that it's relatively serious...or at least pathetically disturbing for a younger child. I never in my life felt like I was good enough...always felt worthless and disgusting and like I would never amount to anything.

At 13, I started seriously hurting myself. That went on for a severe extent until I was 22. I went through phases where I promised my parents I wouldn't hurt myself...and I really had every intention not to, but I was addicted to it. Addicted to having ten freaking minutes of peace from the hell of my mind. Addicted to hurting myself as a form of self-punishment because I thought I was a disgrace to even be alive. At age 16, I attempted suicide and was hospitalized, and diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I thought that was pretty much the lowest point of my life, and that there was no way I would ever come out of it. Even though I went on to graduate from high school....with honors muraculously....I was convinced I would have been dead before going to college.

The first part of college wasn't too great. I was history major. Despite the fact that I had wanted to be in healthcare, I told myself I was too stupid, and didn't pursue it. Against the adversities of fighting a personality disorder, hating school, and being in a controlling and physically abusive relationship, I decided to try my luck at internally transferring into the nursing program junior year. I was even told I wouldn't make it because they only took 7 internals per semester and...well...I just wasn't cut out for it. By the good graces of whatever powers that be, I was accepted. Even though this meant taking the 6-year college route, I was for once happy and proud of myself. I discovered that nursing really was my true calling, and if nothing else in my life, that's what I was meant to do.

Then I was introduced to alcohol. Even though I went to 1 party in 5 years, and maybe a handful more the very last year (how can you really be out all the time and expect to get through nursing school!?!?!), I had been intermittently fed hard liquor by my ex in his attempt to "zombify" me and make me more susceptible to his motives. The times I refused, I got kicked or punched, so I just gave into it. The intermittence turned into weekend binges. Eventually I got hooked to that just because I made the time go by faster with him. After 4 years, I finally broke out of that relationship, had one more serious incident with alcohol, and then gave it up for a little over a year. By giving up I mean, no hard liquor, maybe a beer or 2 with my new boyfriend, whom I've been with for 2 years now...drinking like an actual normal person.

Last year around this time, I was out at the bar catching up with a friend from work. Me in my infamous naivete had mistaken his continuous free drinks for friendliness, and not ulterior motives (which I discovered they were later). I thought it was ok since even my boyfriend left me there with him and a group of other friends. Even though I should not have driven, I saw that my condition was not quite as bad as his and insisted on taking him home. Well, I should have stuck him in the trunk because not a block out of the parking lot, this octopus from hell comes out of his seat with what seems like millions of groping hands, over into my seat, sticks his head in my face and kisses me. In my attempt to shove him back in his seat, my car goes head on into a parked SUV. Conviniently the police were already staked out, dragged us to the hospital, and let me go because my BAC on the breathalyzer was only a .06, but the blood later read .205.

For anyone that's been through the absolute hell and misery of a DUI, you would think that might teach you something. I lost my job. I had to jump through hoops to sit for my NCLEX (which I just passed last week and got my license this week). Everything was ten times harder to do after going through that....I used to laugh at the "DUI...you can't afford it" signs cause what idiot would ever do that?? I don't really laugh at them anymore.

As if dealing with the stress of a DUI on top of nursing school wasn't enough, I got pregnant and had an abortion 3 days before my graduation. I'm so thankful that my boyfriend supported me through the entire thing, or I would have cracked even worse. I've been in a downward spiral since then. The immense guilt and emotional pain I felt through that ordeal sent me into extreme alcoholism. I've had countless times where my parents have come home and found me falling-down drunk. They get so angry (understandably) that it scares me, and I vow not to drink again, and i have every intention not to. Somehow I find myself with a bottle. It got so bad that I wouldn't even be drunk, but I would be in a dispondent dissociative phase because all I wanted was a drink, and they would think I was. I had been doing fairly well until recently, I found alcohol in my grandmother's house, went insane, and drank it all. My entire family saw me drunk, and I acted like a flaming lunatic. I have never been so ashamed in my life. This entire time, I've been promising my family I'm not an alcoholic, I won't do it again, it's my disorder, it's cause I'm upset about the abortion, it's cause I'm angry no one supported me when I was pregant, blah blah blah. Now they're even more upset because I lied all the time.

But now I realize that I created a world of such denial....and it was so blatant, I don't know how I actually sat there and believed myself, much less expect anyone else to believe me. My relationship with my parents is seemingly destroyed right now. If I'm not a "stupid *****," I'm "pathetic and worthless." Who can blame them though? Is there any way to salvage it? I've tried giving them information, but they don't want to hear it. They think I'm lying again.

The thing is...I'm not a liar. I don't steal or sneak things...but this is who I'm becoming. Now, more than anything, I'm afraid of losing all that I worked for, and of losing my family. Then again, it's fed the vicious cycle of me believing I'm a waste of life. I went to an AA meeting last night, plan to go to 1 tonight, and tomorrow.

I can't believe myself and what I've become. I can't believe I would throw away my career. Am I that stupid or is it the nature of addiction, or returning to my old ways of self-punishment?

If anyone actually made it through this whole thing, I congratulate you.

[southernbeegirl, BSN, RN]

You need treatment. It changed my life and it WILL change yours :)

[nursingishard]

*hug*

You can try this: "I'm good. I'm a nurse." Reflect on it. Are you a nurse? You are. Can a nurse be worthless? I guess a serial killer can shed light on you that you are not. At least, you are better than someone else. Admit the truth. Reflect on something you thought you couldn't go through in the past. Did you go through it? You did. Otherwise, you wouldn't have become an RN. And, you can try to stop depending your happiness on someone else like a bf or sth.