Desperately seeking encouragement in 1st year

[jackster]

I am a first-time poster and not sure if this is the best place for my pitiful plea for encouragement, but here it goes.....I am about 6 months into my first nursing job. I am middle aged, a career changer, graduated with honors, love patient care and was very fortunate to receive a tuition scholarship from a large health care system where I live. I was so happy to think that I would have a job waiting for me and that I did not have to battle for externships. I also realized about half way through school that I was not drawn to acute care hospital nursing, but instead, really liked the psycho-social aspects of mental health, community nursing, hospice, etc. Problem is that I've now potentially sold my soul in exchange for paid tuition. I am working nights (a whole reason to be depressed all by itself) on a very busy acute care floor and find that the stress is having a huge impact on my mental and physical health. Can't sleep, vomiting and crying before going to work, etc. I am so miserable. Love the patients, like my team, hate the job. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed to admit this to any of my nursing school friends or, heaven forbid, talk to anyone in my department. I can't risk being labeled a short-termer and have my request for days ignored. I have asked for a move to days thinking that at least getting on a "normal" routine would lessen the misery, but I know that has its own set of crazy circumstances. Venting my feelings at work seems like a big mistake since I am married to this company until I fulfill my employment commitment (or repay the money - ha!). Thinking about trying to transfer after my one year anniversary, but seriously questioning whether or not I can hang on for that long. I had a very successful first career and am just so baffled as to why this job is sending me so far over the edge. I just didn't expect this kind of extreme mental and physical reaction. I've been through a lot of other stressful things in my life, but this takes the award. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

[belle005]

Hugs Jackster,

You are not alone!!!!!

I am feeling the same way. I also am in my mid forties, graduated (BSN) with honors and my faculty and preceptors had nothing but positive things to say along the way. Also, my mother was a very successful, now retired nurse who doesn't seem to understand or remember the difficulties of it all.

I was blessed to get a great job in a cardiac/tele unit in one of the best hospitals in my city. So far my coworkers have been very nice and I'm about to go off orientation next week and feel terrified and incompetent. I feel so guilty for complaining/whining as many of my peers are still struggling to find jobs.

This job is making me lose my confidence and self esteem. I thought I was a smart, competent, confident woman, and now...??? I question my intelligence, my personality (I am the more reserved type) and my inner confidence is being knocked down hard during every shift. I have to self-talk on my days off that I can do this, than I am as capable as any of the nurses on the unit, but sometimes I am not very good at convincing myself.

What is hard is the lack of time to figure out the job. Each shift craziness happens and the protocols, paperwork, patients going south, and no time to breathe while trying to learn how to handle each situation ...it feels like more than I can handle. I have questions constantly. I am not going to "wing" it and put someone in danger. There is no time to do the nursing that nursing school teaches you--it's always run run run. I am on nights and often I cannot sleep well because my mind cannot stop going over the last shift and worrying about the next one!

I wish I didn't dread going to work, too. But the other nurses make it look so natural and I feel like an idiot. I am seriously thinking about looking for a clinic job, but I told myself I will give it at least a year (plus jobs in my city are few and far between for a new grad).

Please keep posting. It was nice for me to read your post because I can relate exactly!!! I did make myself a counseling appt for next week to talk about my new job stress/anxiety. I hope it will help a little. Maybe you can do the same.

Anyway, Jackster, it's nice to know we aren't alone in this. I hope you will continue to post.

Mamabwana - Your post here sounds EXACTLY like how I'm feeling right now. I'm two months into my first nursing job. I'm always so scared, unsure, and if anything bad happens, I'm afraid it will be a huge disaster because I won't have a clue what to do. I am starting to worry too because my co-workers talk to me less than they did before and maybe are seeing me as cold or aloof because I'm so self-absorbed just trying to get through each shift without breaking down completely - they'll be chatting in the breakroom and I'm at the desk obsessing over my charting or what I might have forgotten to do. I'd love to know how you're doing now that you have a few more months under your belt. Any improvement? I'm wondering when these awful feelings will end or at least subside a little bit!!