Could somebody please critique my cover letter?

[Analifaye]

Dear (name),

When I was in clinicals, I was excited to hear that (name of nursing home) was hiring. I am seeking long-term employment as a nursing assistant so I have a chance to learn new skills and expand my knowledge in the field of healthcare. I want a career that will enable me to help others live their lives the best way possible, regardless of physical disability.

This fall I completed a training program at the American Red Cross. There, I gained the skills necessary to care for nursing home residents. Not only did I learn skills to take care of these people physically, but I was also taught to nurture their emotional needs as well. People in long term care need to feel acceptance and self-worth, just as they need care for physical needs. I feel that with my training, I am ready to provide care for these people's needs.

It is my greatest desire to help others. I am an attentive worker, I am an excellent listener. I care for others by listening to learn what it is that people need. My long term goal is to go to school to become an RN and learn Spanish so that I can volunteer my skills in South America. I believe I would be a useful member on your team and am available to work either day or night shift. Attached is my resume. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely, (my name)

Am I doing this right? What could I do better?

[Mully]

Definitely on the right track. A couple things I would tweak:

In the first paragraph, I'd get rid of the sentences about what type of employment you are looking for and the "I want a career..." one. Everyone is looking for employment and everyone wants a career. The employer wants to know what you're going to bring to them, not what they will give to you. Consider changing the focus to the strengths you possess that will benefit them. Does this make sense?

Remove this sentence: "I care for others by listening to learn what it is that people need" and keep the sentence right after it but re-word it.

Other than that though, I think it's pretty good.

Good luck.

[werty86]

hi there. i think you included too many obvious and unnecessary info. in your first paragraph, you should tell them who you are, your objective, and what makes you qualify for this position (relevant past experience, in your case, completing a nursing assistant course):

"My name is analifaye. I am interested in the nursing assistant position at (name of nursing home). I recently completed a nursing assistant course from the American Red Cross, where I learned the necessary skills to effectively take care of others."

in your second paragraph, just tell them what you can offer them. list personality traits you have that are relevant to the position (excellent listener, pay attention to details, work well with others... word them nicely). i don't think they care so much about what you gain from working there or any future plans:

"I am confident that i will be able to fulfill all duties and responsibilities required of this position. I am (personality trait one). I am (personality trait two). I am also (personality trait three).

One of my greatest desires is to help others. Because of this, I believe I would be a useful member on your team. I am available to work on either the day or night shift. Thank you for reviewing my resume and I look forward to an interview where we can further discuss my candidacy."

good luck!

[Analifaye]

Thank you for your advice. You have really simplified it for me.