Coping with a depressed boyfriend

cherilee · Apr 16, 2008

coping with someone elses depression can be difficult.

Dealing with your own is hard too. My ex husband went through some pretty bad depressions.He would lash out at me, get migraines, refuse to participate in fun things, etc.

Then I realized I had my OWN stuff to deal with. Unfortunately, our marriage ended. I had to focus on myself and what I needed to feel ok

good luck take care

ukstudent · Apr 16, 2008

You cannot change someone else. You cannot make them understand how unhealthy they are. You can only change yourself.

You need to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with some one that "flips out" and "uses alcohol" to self medicate. Do you want to spend your life in "fear" that he will do something worse (has he threatened suicide yet). Is living "on eggshells" how you see your future.

A lot of nurses have a need to help people. However, people can only be helped if they want to be. Your boyfriend does not want to be helped. Go to therapy and find out what are you getting out of this relationship and why you are staying in it.

Good luck in your recovery.

wonderbee, BSN, RN · Apr 17, 2008

Yes, I've been through something similar. I got better. I have no idea what happened to the bf and frankly do not care. One day I got angry at allowing myself to be manipulated into an eggshell walking, excuse making, hypervigilant mess who modeled poor relationship skills to her kids. It was a moment of clarity that I siezed. At that moment, I became my own best friend. I kicked him to the curb and didn't look back. I highly recommend it. It's totally freeing.

Ninja Nurse, ASN · Apr 20, 2008

thank you for helping me realize that i have my own issues. it's too true and that's right, i cannot change anyone else but myself. i never meant to come off as someone pointing the finger, but i did:down: .

i am still going to speak to a therapist (this monday), and hopefully i can develop my relationship skills.

i came clean to him about all of this and my feelings. i asked him if he was depressed. he decided to give me a full "tour" of his experience when he was 12. his grandmother, whom he was very close to, passed. he witnessed his mother's depression and in turn went into a deep depression himself. it changed his life forever. he hopes to goodness he never experiences something like that again. he battled for 6 years.

he said that he was a lot of things right now, but not depressed. he is unsatisfied with many areas of our realtionship and wants to do his part to make this better.:loveya: we are learning.

he admits to having anxiety and wanting to cope with those feelings better.

how he accomplishes this is his own decision.

i pray that our relationship grows from this, but i am too strong-willed to be in a place that doesn't make me happy.

i appreciate your thoughts and this has been a real eye opener.

pcal2010 · Mar 28, 2010

If I had not read your latest response, my advice to you would have been to talk to your boyfriend about this. Although I have only been dating my boyfriend for about 2 years, his depression has been a major part of our relationship from the beginning. However, we both know that this is his battle, and not mine. To me, it seems like the worst thing I could do is leave him to suffer while he is at his worst.

My story is similar to yours, however, my boyfriend only realized that he was depressed after we started dating. He seemed perfectly fine and happy at the beginning of our relationship. However, I started noticing a change in his behavior. He became very hard on himself, and always had low self-confidence. He didn't want to participate in many things, and I could tell something was wrong. I suspected it was depression, but hadn't brought it up with him. Fortunately for the both of us, he came to this realization on his own. We sat and had a long conversation about it, and he knew that he needed to seek medical help. He began seeing a psychologist, and I could see a major improvement.

Unfortunately, his depression has started up again, and possibly even worse than before. I am on here seeking the advice of others, and telling me to leave him is not exactly what I had in mind. The only thing I can tell you is that listening and talking are key. He needs to know that you support him, and that you will always be there to talk to when things are bad. Though my boyfriend has his lows, he says that he feels so much better when I am around, and that is all I could possibly ask for.

This experience has taken it's toll on me, but it is very unlike me just to give up. I know I love my boyfriend, and I could never give up on him. Communication is very important, and now that you have opened that door, I only hope that the road to recovery is underway.

Orca, ADN, ASN, RN · Apr 6, 2010

He feels that he doesn't need medication and that he'll be fine. He uses alcohol to cope. He's not a drunk, but has admitted it "helps" him.

This is a blatant rationalization. If he is using alcohol to cope with a personal issue it's a problem, whether there is a physical addiction or not.

The indecisiveness, antisocial behavior, over-analyzing, and "flipping out" over small things, just to name a few. Sometimes, he'll go days without leaving the house or not sleep/sleep all day. I have learned everything I can about this illness to try to be supportive and understanding.

Not to be cold, but I would be lacing up my track shoes. This will wear you out over time, and the relationship will require a lot more effort to keep it intact than you will ever get back from it. Relationships should be fun. not a second full-time job. Not to say that they don't require some effort to maintain, but it sounds like you live your life wondering when the next crisis will hit. That's a hell of a way to live, and you have to ask yourself how long you are willing to continue.

It's nice that your B/F is sharing issues with you, but you can't fix everything that has happened to him in the past. People like this also try to manipulate others into staying in relationships with them by making them feel guilty about leaving just when they "needed you most."

This experience has taken it's toll on me, but it is very unlike me just to give up. I know I love my boyfriend, and I could never give up on him.

See above. You have to decide whether you want a relationship or a second job.

aura_of_laura · Apr 19, 2010

Having been in a similar situation, I'd recommend getting a D & A assessment.

(A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away) My significant other was diagnosed with depression, and then bipolar d/o, and rationalized that he abused alcohol (and other substances on the sly) to cope. Bullsh**. The man was an addict, which perpetuates depression, and the moment he acknowledged this, quit using, and joined AA, the depression (and most importantly, the psychologically abusive behaviors) disappeared. Most psychiatrists and therapists will ignore substance abuse and treat it as a symptom of a diagnosable mental illness. Not only will psychiatric meds NOT help an addict, but they can have serious side effects when mixed with alcohol.

Read Codependent No More, by Melodie Beattie. I think you may find it relatable!

TCASII, ADN · Apr 21, 2010

I can see both sides of this. I think you have to determine the level of dysfunction in a relationship and the amount of care (e.g., love) you have for that person when considering whether to work it out or move on. While it's easy to say "kick him to the curb" as many guys have said to me on other web sites when I mentioned issues I have with my GF, I have remained with her because she is a wonderful girl and despite some problems here and there, most of the time we have a great relationship. Whoever said relationships don't take work is naive. No relationship is perfect. You will argue, you will have bad days, but how you handle the dips in the trend is more important to the overall sanctity of the relationship.

Now in terms of his depression, I don't know how old he is or what all the problems are, but it sounds a lot like dysthymic disorder. Obviously, there might be some comorbidity in possible double-depression or even a substance abuse disorder. Then again, if he is dysthymic and has some anxiety, which is common with depression (e.g., GAD), then he might just be a chemical coper. His chemical of choice is ETOH. ETOH is easier to obtain and acceptable in society unfortunately, so he can justify the use over something like a BZD and antidepressant, thus avoiding a stigma in his mind.

Now for a little background. I have dysthymic disorder. Without getting technical, dysthymic disorder is ingrained in many parts of our personality, at least in presentation. Prognosis for dysthymic disorder is poor. How the patient deals with the maladjustment and various symptoms is key to improving the quality of life. Just as any other MI in a male patient, it is often difficult to get them to admit these problems. I readily admit my faults to my GF and take responsibilty as much as possible for them. I have great insight into my dysfunction. I also communicate with my GF when issues come up, regardless as to who is at fault. I find that most people have poor insight into their own idiosyncrasies, personality disorders, MIs, or communicative failures. Whether it's narcissism, or denial, or just poor insight, people often feel they are justified in all actions they take. Other points to consider are that people with depression are particularly sensitive to criticism and don't always correctly interpret the comments people make to them. They also feel they're undermined at every turn.

I would stress that ETOH exacerbates anxiety, depression, and disrupts sleep cycles. ETOH is actually skewing the mental process, even if one is sober for a few days. You need to keep an open line of communication and make him aware of how you feel without berating him for his actions. The act of pointing out faults is counterproductive. The dialogue needs to be civil and respectful or you won't make any headway. Tell him what you aren't happy with and what you'd like to see changed. Make sure he wants the same things and evaluate as time goes on. Despite your frustrations, treat others how you'd like to be treated is always a good motto and shouldn't make him feel like a worthless loser if you decide to break up.

rn/writer, RN · Apr 21, 2010

Many depressed (and dysthymic) people use alcohol as an non-conscious way of self-medicating. It helps them feel better--for a little while--and then they feel worse. So they drink again. And the cycle continues. I'd encourage you to look up the following website-- NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness - Mental Health Support, Education and Advocacy --to read about different types of mental illness and discover how friends and family members can help. Many cities have local chapters where you can go to vent and figure out what to do next. I'd also suggest looking into Al-Anon, not because I'm certain your bf is an alcoholic, but because these people are top-notch when it comes to learning good boundaries and taking proper care of yourself. Best wishes.