Please don't hate me for saying this, because I know how hard it is to get into Nursing school: but I don't want to go back! I feel burned out already. I feel cynical. Any drive to help people and heal has been beaten out of me by regulatory rules, the constant nitpicking, the fear of lawsuits, and the reality nurses aren't always respected.
I'm in my mid 30s. I am intelligent and have a Bachelor's already in another field. I am financially secure and don't need to rush into the workforce to make ends meet. I have the potential to do really great things. And I sincerely have compassion and empathy - I want to be the best nurse I can be.
I am an idealistic fool. I thought nursing meant healing, helping, and care. My rose colored glasses are officially off.
I have finished year 1 out of 2 at my school (R.N. program). I earned As and Bs in the major. But I was having HORRIBLE nightmares for the first time in my life - all revolving around instructors and Clinicals My doc put me on an antianxiety med to keep me from melting down when the instructors tried to "teach us" by verbally beating on us. What is this, Army boot camp? The med made me feel dead to everything, and I found ways to manage without it. But the nightmares and the sick-to-my-stomach dread still haunt me.
I entered into what everyone said was one of the best 2 year RN programs in the state. There is a multi-year waiting list and I'm told a very high NCLEX pass rate. But now that I am in it, I've lost all respect for them. The program is disorganized. Half the assignments are on an online web site which is outdated and goes down without warning. The instructors I thought I looked up seem incompetent in the clinical setting. Classes never have one instructor per subject, so you have 6-8 instructors all tossing in tidbits and doing parts of their lecture -- and when things don't match up, I'm supposed to guess which instructor is writing the exam question. Exams always have glaring errors on them. And the worst part is the clinical setting, where our aides blow us off because they can and the nurse we're working under is often "too busy". I had one pt with hx of TIA lose consciousness for a moment, then remain disoriented, while p/t demanded the guy (who was in agony) get into the wheelchair -- and my nurse would not come back to check on him, so I am running back and forth to her room giving her updates on this elderly man who needed help NOW. I am sick of being yelled at for not getting all tasks done, when I am spending most of my time documenting every time I do anything -- but hospital computers including the ones at the Magnet hospital, are often broken, won't let us log in, crash suddenly, or have buggy software. If a doctor walks up, I am required to give him the pt chart I was working on or log off the only working computer in the section, because he's the doctor and I'm just the nurse. Hospital equipment such as pulse-ox, accucheck, or thermometer are missing or broken(!!) And then end of shift my instructor is chewing me out again for being too slow. The RNs I work under take (maybe not so safe) shortcuts. Hospital procedures are not being followed. Patients are getting bedsores or suffering untreated pain -- as I watch, powerless.
I am sorry to complain, but I'm also sick of my classmates: The students who don't care about integrity or others -- this is their only path to a decent-paying job. The students who cheat (and some even brag about it). The students who don't do pt all care, document they did it, and look great to Instructors when they're always done early. The students who will throw you under the bus if they think it'll get them brownie points with someone. And the students who are downright nasty to others - both to other students as well as patients and aides. Why did I bother to write a proper care plan when classmates laughed afterwards how they "made up the citations" or copied things from the internet? Why can't I take electronic notes in class which will help me learn, yet nobody sees the girls on either side of me have their phones under the desk, sending txt messages to boyfriends all lecture? Why is my cellphone turned off when in clinicals the Drama Queen in our group "has to keep hers on" for the constant phone calls from her husband and kids? Perhaps someday karma will catch up with them, but in the meantime I am a bit embarrassed to be part of this graduating class.
I have no friends in the nursing program, despite my efforts. They don't show up for study dates, don't care and give me wrong answers for due dates, etc. My class has already lost 15-20% of students just between 1st and 2nd semester, mostly due to failing grades. I had no problem making friends in other classes, but these people in my nursing class are, well, different.
I have 2 semesters to go. I can go back next month and pass the program, but perhaps not with all As, as discouraged as I am. Will the nightmares get worse? But until I can sort out what is upsetting me so much about nursing (the program I'm in? my advisor who doesn't care? what?), I will graduate with even more of a sick-of-it-already feeling already. I want to do nursing, but if it's anything like my class & clinical experiences so far, I will be miserable!
Please don't tell me to "just suck it up". That tells me you don't understand the extent of my dread & anxiety, and it's plain just not constructive.
Would I be stupid for telling the school I'll re-join them next year? They'd make me feel like I was a worthless piece of crap for not returning this fall, but I know they'd let me continue next fall.
