Broken mind/ broken Spirit..crying over laundry detergent..where from here?

[Lucky724]

Been struggling a lllloongg time w/depression/anxiety..multiple losses both personal and financial have happened in the past 5 yrs....lots of change, lots of loss...I have been barely functioning since 2009 and have almost come to a complete halt as of this week. I sleep poorly, "pick" constantly at my nails, face, head, cry almost daily, I read the symptoms of depression/anxiety and I have all of them. I have resisted getting help because of the money..copays for doctors/therapy/medication..not knowing if any of it will work..the "do they don't they work" of medications like antidepressants. But its reached a point now, that I literally am beginning to have trouble even leaving my house even to run a simple errand like get laundry detergent. This has effected every area of my life...marriage, personal, professional..I use to love nursing, be proud of it, now, I have no interest in anything let alone what I spent so many years in school for and almost panic at the thought of working in a hospital again...so, after starting to cry in the cleaning products aisle today because I couldn't decide if I should buy the powder or the liquid...I thought..ok..I went to our primary care doctor who wants me to see a psychiatrist for medication and a therapist for "talking." I am wise enough to realize no amount of praying (though it helps), no amount of "self positive talk", no St. johns wort/vitamin/book is going to pull me out of this.....I am simply too broken inside for the short term, cheeky "10 days to a better, healthier, happier you" Oprah article. (No offense to Oprah - I like her). This mornings shopping trip fiasco was a new bottom for me. No more denying my mind/heart and spirit are broken. I am fortunate in that I don't have substance abuse issues (I don't take any drugs of any kind nor do I drink). That is one less monkey on my back. But, I have to return to work..I have basically job hopped and lived on a wing and a more than one prayer since 2009 -

I have the choice to take a part time (24 hr/week) low stress job that pays $23/hr...basically a management position - sort of a QI type thing, or..I can work PRN at a hospital 50 miles from my home for $10 more on a very busy surgical unit 8 and 12 hr shifts not including the drive but nothing guaranteed or I can work 3 12 hr shifts at another hospital about 40 min. from my home on a new unit that is all geared toward geriatrics w/behavioral issues for $27/hr. I do have my spouses income which isn't great so I do need to/have to work while trying to piece myself back together...my spouse is wanting me to take the part time position since it's less than 15 min from home, flexible yet steady, low stress...as this would allow me to get some much needed and overdue assistance with my emotional health issues but also generate some much needed income so hopefully we can catch up on house/car payments and things will settle down. My spouse feels once the financial and emotional health issues are resolved or at least controlled, I will feel better, maybe re-energized about nursing and can then look for a more demanding position. All of these offers, strangely, came in this afternoon. All want me to call them back with an answer before the end of the week.

I know medication/therapy won't bring back lost people or things though its the loss of some people that I struggle with..I know it won't change the stupid mistakes I've made...but I'm still young (40's) and maybe I can find my lost self esteem, regain my confidence as a person and a nurse and find new reasons for being alive. This has gone way beyond self pity. This is just me giving up on me. So, I don't want to make things worse by making yet another bad decision about a job or going to a doctor or potentially going on medication.

I am not seeking professional advice, just personal opinions on my situation because I do realize right now I am not able to see the forest for the trees...

Anything anyone wants to offer in the way of advice/opinion/view is greatly appreciated.

[ProgressiveActivist, BSN, RN]

take the 24 hour QI job. You need health insurance. Hospital nursing is brutal these days.

Forgive yourself for any mistakes you may have made. It just means that you're human.

I also think you need a benzo to get through this phase.

[onthemark]

I just read your post and my heart goes out to you. We all have times of depression, but I feel especially bad for you with all your losses! I'll hold you in my prayers. Meanwhile, though, I ditto all that libbyliberal said: take the less stressful job, forgive yourself (where would we all be if we didn't forgive ourselves over and over again!), and reconsider taking a med to help you through this tough time. Also, take a brisk walk outside everyday (even if only for 15-20 minutes) and give yourself time. I know better days will come.

[whereslilly]

take the 24 hour QI job. You need health insurance. Hospital nursing is brutal these days.

Forgive yourself for any mistakes you may have made. It just means that you're human.

I also think you need a benzo to get through this phase.

I agree with Libby about the job choice, for all the above reasons. I have to disagree with her as to the suggestion of "Benzo's". I'm certainly not diagnosing you; please see an appropriate professional for that. If you are not insured thru your hubby, look into your states Dept of Mental Health for possible clinics in your area. If you need a med it sounds like a good SSRI that can be weaned, and is not addictive might be helpful. Many drug companies will offer free or below cost Rx. Please get help. You have no idea how much better you can and will feel. Existing is not living. I truly wish you the very best.