Anyone Bipolar???

Liddle Noodnik · Jan 11, 2010

hi from England!
I am a student nurse with 18 months to go. I have been reading this thread with great enthusiasm and feel it is very supportive. Firstly I think well done to everyone who have took hold of this condition and used it as a positive to help others. I am 34 yr old male and I have always known i am different to the others since my early teens but could never put my finger on it. I have suffered with hypomanic episodes followed by depressive episodes, i can be at the top of my game but then feel a complete loser. I have had many careers but never exceeded above entry level despite achieving high status popularity and recognition when the goiing got tough I moverd into another career therefore never reaching my full potential but didnt know why i did this. eventually i found i was good as a support worker for people with mental problems and now am training to be a mental health nurse. over time I have wondered if i suffer from a condition and have questioned personality disorder, ADHD major depression ( but where do the highs come in?) and felt i cant be bi polar as no psychotic or delusional symptoms present . also my episodes arent severe enough to be hospitalised. Id go the drs and he would say depression and hand out prozac like shutting a baby up. In the end its only through my studies i came across the term CYCLOTHYMIA which hit the nail on the head. my dr seemed puzzled with this term but agreed and now i will see a psychiatrist for CBT. because Cyclothymia is a mild form of bipolar it means people dont tend to become to ill yet still has big impacts on their life. It is worrying that if i wasnt studying this fied id never be diagnosed and concerns me how many others out there have this condition and suffer in silence accepting it is just who they are.
I am now releived to find an answer and get treatment but now faced with uncertainty about my appropriateness to practice. I know i am a fantastic nurse but will others see that. when the goings good with me its untouchable but when the going gets tough....well u know the rest!!
regards from tamworth , England.

HI Stevie!!

Glad you wrote.

Manic episodes don't necessarily have psychosis = mine has but not always. Looks like you are going in the right direction! Check in now and then and let us see how you are doing!

As to your fitness to practice, if you are in regular contact w/ a professional and some good friends who will tell you when you're off - if you are honest with yourself and others - you may actually be a custom fit to working with the mentally ill. My providers don't disclose all their stuff but it is apparent just from comments some of them make that they know darn well what I am going thru.

Take care! especially sleep. Don't let yourself go with less than 6 hrs on a regular basis, it's not healthy if you do have this illness. Lots more to watch but sleep is very very important.

:)

stevieg · Jan 12, 2010

Hi Liddle noodnik

thanks for the message as its very encouraging. to be honest its only this week i came across cyclothymia and after hours and hours of scrolling the net i discovered my experience fell into this category like a lock and key. when i read peoples narratives i felt as though i had been reunighted with a long lost twin to the point it has sent me slightly on a high to the point my wife is worried. I have become somewhat obsessed now. problem is i feel my low coming on now. over the last few days the fact that there is an explanation to me being different as overwhelmed me with relief that i can at last get some help instead of just helping others and neglecting myself. Ive even gone off on my usual tangent of silly ideas like " i shall write a book about this " however the reality is sinking in now and im starting to worry about the negatives of having to disclose this, the possibility that this may develop into bipolar type 2 and now i am worried about my young children inheriting this condition. I am now racked with guilt for having ill feelings towards my late father who I was estranged from as I am now beginning to realise he may have suffered all his life but due to his generation probably held his head high with pride whilst battling his alcoholism. hopefully i will wake up tomorrow in my optimistic stage. I will keep readers informed in how i get on when i tell me university. laters from the other side of the pond!(England).

Liddle Noodnik · Jan 12, 2010

Hi Liddle noodnik
thanks for the message as its very encouraging. to be honest its only this week i came across cyclothymia and after hours and hours of scrolling the net i discovered my experience fell into this category like a lock and key. when i read peoples narratives i felt as though i had been reunighted with a long lost twin to the point it has sent me slightly on a high to the point my wife is worried. I have become somewhat obsessed now. problem is i feel my low coming on now. over the last few days the fact that there is an explanation to me being different as overwhelmed me with relief that i can at last get some help instead of just helping others and neglecting myself. Ive even gone off on my usual tangent of silly ideas like " i shall write a book about this " however the reality is sinking in now and im starting to worry about the negatives of having to disclose this, the possibility that this may develop into bipolar type 2 and now i am worried about my young children inheriting this condition. I am now racked with guilt for having ill feelings towards my late father who I was estranged from as I am now beginning to realise he may have suffered all his life but due to his generation probably held his head high with pride whilst battling his alcoholism. hopefully i will wake up tomorrow in my optimistic stage. I will keep readers informed in how i get on when i tell me university. laters from the other side of the pond!(England).

No, no no, the expression is "One DAY at a time," not one YEAR! lol... God love ya Stevie. Well it is very exciting to know there is help and your life could be different, and it will. There will be good periods and some rough. The main thing is to know you will not be miserable forever, AND the good days will not always stick around, but the majority can be good if you have the right attitude.

And ha ha, I am into writing a book about it someday ... :)

I am learning, maybe my SYMPTOMS won't always be gone, some days I will have them, but I can learn to function in spite of them, that is the lesson.

Among others ha ha...

hey, hang in there and tell wifey not to worry, you are still the same person you were "yesterday". :) and that you desperately despairingly infinitely love her :) hee hee

phlox · Jan 21, 2010

Phlox did you delete your post?
re your ? that people are not responding re the Texas organization you mentioned, this is a national and worldwide site and very few of all THOSE members admit to or share about being bipolar - so I imagine you are the only TX'er on this thread.
Just a thought.
xo

Liddle Noodnik, I am still learning this vast site and have posted "Bipolar" questions in several areas on here. I don't remember deleting a post on this thread.

I have anger issues when I am manic. I get very angry at my husband, the cats, my situation, everything. I become miserable within myself and miserable to be around. It is so real and so deep. It is all consuming. Prior to medication, I was frequently suicidal and made attempts. I was hospitalized a few times. I have been medicated with a cocktail of meds for 14 years now and take them perfectly. But I have severe sleep apnea that does not allow for the sleep I need. However, overall, I am a well controlled Bipolar.

Also, I would feel more satisfied as a human being if I was working again, just like anyone else, and that may alliviate some symptoms of low self-esteem. I am living below poverty level now and it is very difficult right now to even buy food. Sometimes there is not enough money to make ends meet and that is very stressful when it goes on month after month and just gets worse. It is worse than I can say.

I simply MUST get my license reinstated. My children and grandchildren need my help as well. Also, my parents are getting older. I feel like I have responsibility piling up on my shoulders.

Liddle Noodnik · Jan 21, 2010

Liddle Noodnik, I am still learning this vast site and have posted "Bipolar" questions in several areas on here. I don't remember deleting a post on this thread.
I have anger issues when I am manic. I get very angry at my husband, the cats, my situation, everything. I become miserable within myself and miserable to be around. It is so real and so deep. It is all consuming. Prior to medication, I was frequently suicidal and made attempts. I was hospitalized a few times. I have been medicated with a cocktail of meds for 14 years now and take them perfectly. But I have severe sleep apnea that does not allow for the sleep I need. However, overall, I am a well controlled Bipolar.
Also, I would feel more satisfied as a human being if I was working again, just like anyone else, and that may alliviate some symptoms of low self-esteem. I am living below poverty level now and it is very difficult right now to even buy food. Sometimes there is not enough money to make ends meet and that is very stressful when it goes on month after month and just gets worse. It is worse than I can say.
I simply MUST get my license reinstated. My children and grandchildren need my help as well. Also, my parents are getting older. I feel like I have responsibility piling up on my shoulders.

it is a HUGE site. Well, I haven't anything to add other than what I wrote on your TX thread. I do hope you get to where you want to be! Please stay in touch! xo

Liddle Noodnik · Jan 29, 2010

Phlox and all,

there has been a lot of recent activity r/t bipolar on the following thread (click here):

https://allnurses.com/nurses-disabilities-forum/nurses-struggling-mental-94244.html

annaRNC · Feb 26, 2010

You are not required to disclose your diagnosis to anyone except for employee health when you start a new job. If you are diagnosed when you are already employed there is no reason to disclose the information at all. When I first became a nurse I disclosed and was required to get a letter from my MD stating that I was stable enough to practice and not be a "danger" to my patients. I had been stable for 3 years by that point and have been now stable for 7 years. To the OP--please don't rule out medication. I can appreciate wanting to do without it (as I tried to do for many years) but it has given me the stability I need to be an excellent nurse. There are a ton of support groups out there as well as NAMI (which is the national assoc. of mental illness) that can help too. None of my coworkers know because judgments are still out there about mental illness. I think BP has made me a better nurse and a lot more understanding of what some people might be going through. anna

stevieg · Feb 26, 2010

Hi all

well just thought id update. Im still studying and exactly half way thru my mental health nurse training. I have decided to seek help after suffering all alone for so long think i could fix myself.(after all a surgeon cant do surgery on himself.) I now understand the frustrations of patients in the waiting to be seen. I have asked to be seen by a dr outside my practice area which has caused complications as no one wants to touch me now. I shall be seeing a psychiatrist in april which seems years away and have adopted self help strategies such as sleep hygiene etc. After reading vastly around my illness i can quite confidently say i have bipolar 2 due to the intensity of my mood and unhelpful thoughts that occurr. I have also come round to the idea of taking meds as i cant do it with strategies alone.I thought id share a few of my strategies whether it helps others or if anyone else can add anything. I no longer drink any more than 2 units of alcohol at any one time, I have took tv and all electricals from bedroom, i have a lava lamp and relaxation music on a weds evening as its now non tv day. I have implemented a tv timer to cut down the amount of tv the kids watch and noise this generates, I now see a healthy diet as essential as opposed to favourable, mood diary rating, i am in the process of purchasing a bike to cycle half way to work to ensure that extra serotonin and on i certainly find kay jamiesons an unquiet mind book an inspiration. I would also reccomend stephen frys biography. If any of you have heard of robbie williams his music is awesome and a lot of his music relates to his personal experiences of bipolar. It would be interesting to know what peoples views on disclosing there illness to patients are. steve from england x

Liddle Noodnik · Feb 27, 2010

You are not required to disclose your diagnosis to anyone except for employee health when you start a new job. If you are diagnosed when you are already employed there is no reason to disclose the information at all. When I first became a nurse I disclosed and was required to get a letter from my MD stating that I was stable enough to practice and not be a "danger" to my patients. I had been stable for 3 years by that point and have been now stable for 7 years. To the OP--please don't rule out medication. I can appreciate wanting to do without it (as I tried to do for many years) but it has given me the stability I need to be an excellent nurse. There are a ton of support groups out there as well as NAMI (which is the national assoc. of mental illness) that can help too. None of my coworkers know because judgments are still out there about mental illness. I think BP has made me a better nurse and a lot more understanding of what some people might be going through. anna

Thank you Anna :) I am hoping my meds will give me that stability. I worry about side effects - but I do want to be able to function, too!

Hi all
well just thought id update. Im still studying and exactly half way thru my mental health nurse training. I have decided to seek help after suffering all alone for so long think i could fix myself.(after all a surgeon cant do surgery on himself.) I now understand the frustrations of patients in the waiting to be seen. I have asked to be seen by a dr outside my practice area which has caused complications as no one wants to touch me now. I shall be seeing a psychiatrist in april which seems years away and have adopted self help strategies such as sleep hygiene etc. After reading vastly around my illness i can quite confidently say i have bipolar 2 due to the intensity of my mood and unhelpful thoughts that occurr. I have also come round to the idea of taking meds as i cant do it with strategies alone.I thought id share a few of my strategies whether it helps others or if anyone else can add anything. I no longer drink any more than 2 units of alcohol at any one time, I have took tv and all electricals from bedroom, i have a lava lamp and relaxation music on a weds evening as its now non tv day. I have implemented a tv timer to cut down the amount of tv the kids watch and noise this generates, I now see a healthy diet as essential as opposed to favourable, mood diary rating, i am in the process of purchasing a bike to cycle half way to work to ensure that extra serotonin and on i certainly find kay jamiesons an unquiet mind book an inspiration. I would also reccomend stephen frys biography. If any of you have heard of robbie williams his music is awesome and a lot of his music relates to his personal experiences of bipolar. It would be interesting to know what peoples views on disclosing there illness to patients are. steve from england x

Wow Steve fantastic! I am glad you are doing so well taking care of yourself! I know I could feel better if I started doing more of the exercise and nutrition piece. I am supposed to be starting a support group soon that focuses on that.

I have shared w/ patients before my alcohol history but not my mental health history. And providers, they have alluded to it in their histories occasionally but nothing specific, and I think it is better that way. I want to believe my provider is more stable than I am lol.. actually I have a voc rehab counselor who is quite frank about her illness and the relapses she has had. She is very matter of fact about it which also gives me hope, I would like to feel freer to discuss it. I guess it is good both ways.

CherryAmes_RN · Mar 1, 2010

well im a little late in the game but ill share too

anyone bipolar? why yes, yes i am. i was diagnosed with BP II at 18. i went through hell as a teenager, starting @ age 12. i saw a total of THIRTEEN different psychologists & psychiatrists. not a single one would listen or take me seriously, wouldnt take my very extensive family hx of MI into account, wouldnt even look @ my "mood journals" (that they suggested i keep) so i went in & out of doctors offices, refused to go, took the meds they threw @ me- the wrong meds for this disorder & also for my age & size (10mg valium QID for a 100# 13 y/o? ok!) that made me sicker & quit taking them everytime on my own, making me physically sick.

finally, i found a doc that would listen, she diagnosed me & started me on depakote. it worked, i felt better, quit going. felt bad again, went back &/or found new doc because i was embarrassed... repeat as necessary x2yrs. finally i had enough & accepted that i needed help.

now, i take my meds (depakote & PRN restoril), i go to my appts., i take care of myself & try to keep stress from getting to me. i have started to have anxiety like i havent experienced since i was a teen- im not quite sure why, but its something ill be addressing quite soon. i still have verymild cycling but its managable. my brain is not "normal," nor will it ever be & thats fine. im stable & im not a zombie, works for me.

im not embarrassed, ive talked to a few people @ work about it... its not something i feel the need to disclose to an employer. i wouldnt have a problem to bring in a doctors "clearance" if an employer asked but i honestly dont think its any of their business. quite honestly, my IBS would effect my work performance 100x more than this ever will

Liddle Noodnik · Mar 1, 2010

well im a little late in the game but ill share too ... my IBS would effect my work performance 100x more than this ever will

NEVER too late :) Welcome.

I got a chuckle out of your last line, too true...

beat2beat · Mar 1, 2010

i have bipolar as well. i am a new grad and i have gotten through my first 3 months with good evaluations. im actually pretty good at my job, but working night shift is destabilizing me. i'm going through sleep meds like crazy.. swinging in between stages of laying in bed crying and irritible restlessness and energetic optimism. i think i could handle the stress of the job if i could just have some quality sleep. handling stress is very cognitive and i've worked really hard..but this sleep crap is something i just cant control! i sleep many hours, but just keep waking up. i really do think that people with bipolar can hold demanding jobs, but i think we should avoid night shift and get regular psych care (even when we feel good!! =p )

i cannot agree with you more on midnight shift being destabilizing. i was diagnosed as bipolar in 1994 and have been mood-swing free and stable on medication for over 10 years. i was fine all the way through nursing school. i just recently graduated and have been working midnight shift for the past 6 months and have been a mood swinging mess. mostly hypomanic. i am back to seeing a psychiatrist after 8 years of having my primary care take over prescribing my meds and i am back in therapy learning how to deal with the disappointment of the re emergence of my symptoms. it also hasn't been the change in sleep hygeine for me, it has also been the fact that i get no time to eat on my job. i have lost over 30 pounds since i started working, so 3 days a week i eat only one meal. i am finally pulling it together with a change in medication, and lots and lots of support from my therapist and my husband. i am glad i found this thread. i work in psyche and it amazes me how much misunderstanding and stigma is still surrounding bipolar disorder withing our own profession. for some reason there seems to be a huge misconception that all bipolar patients are crazy and are a danger to others. even at my worst i was never a danger to others, only to myself. inwardly it makes me angry, but people will believe what they choose to believe.