Am I in touch with reality?

[nurseangel47]

Help, all you wise fellow nurses out there! I have been in nursing for twenty one years, with the past two spent on the boundaries doing a non-nursing job. Due to financial reasons, decided to give it a go again on a part time basis...figured I could "handle it" for just two days per week, no matter how "tough" it was once I had returned. I love nursing. Love people. Suffice it to say that I felt ready to return to it but a few personal issues have surfaced and with a brave face I thought I'd faced them down. Now, this morning at work, during my first week of orientation, I was called into the administrator's office and confronted with a comment I had made yesterday that was out of line, something said innocently, but sounded very gossipy. Anyway, I realized the error of my ways and apologized, but the adm. and my immediate nsg. super. are now on tenderhooks, it seems, about my future behavior there as a nurse. They even said that one of my references was regarded as I had a poor attitude at that workplace....what? I have had difficulties with some places in the past but thought that was "confidential" information! I am shocked. I feel so stupid and you name it, I feel it. I am not saying I'm a victim here. I am asking what to do next in my situation. I have to decide today and this evening to make a final decision. I left the office in tears, shattered in my lack of self confidence after the meeting with them...was trying to stay and orient but kept crying and couldn't stop. Couldn't concentrate, h/a, the whole nine yards. A little hx on me personally, bipolar disorder dx. within the past year, had to go off meds that had it under control due to the out of pocket expense, I seem to not qualify for assistance of any kind due to husband's income. I feel like I've fallen thru a crack in our system. I want to get better, do better, help others, return to nursing at least on a part time basis, but can't seem to get over this feeling of can't climb out of the hole. Does this make any sense? I'm so overwhelmed right now. I have managed to not cry a tear over some personal issues here at home regarding a daughter's medical condition and her having to move back home, but this morning, it was like a dam let loose and now I am wondering if I even should go back tomorrow and finish orientation with this company? I feel like I've damned myself with them....I'm embarassed. Help. Need input. Any will be welcome. Thank you for the very winded vent!:uhoh21:

[nurseangel47]

I am so glad that I was correct in hoping and assuming that I'd get "warm fuzzies" from you girls & guys! It is the day after the day after the drama for me occurred at work. The new job, brand spanking new job after two years away from the nursing arena. And that is precisely what it felt like...an arena. I was the "bull" they were targeting with their barbs or swords...oh, gosh, I know I am waxing melodramatic here, but that is how very tender my feelings of a professional and person are at the moment. Hx: bipolar treated successfully with Lamictal combined with Cymbalta for months. Had to switch to the magical "four dollar" list of Walmart brand generics due to no insurance coverage after COBRA from previous job expired. Kept it for the entire 18 month period of time allowed due to not only mental illness hx but lots of previous surgeries/illnesses in my past. Only 48 and have been in and out of hospitals and doc's offices almost like a part time hobby ever since I can remember. For legit complaints/illnesses, injuries, not imagined, btw! hehe

I'm picking myself up, dusting myself off, and ooopss....there I go again, I stumbled, well, I see a shoelace if only I can reach it...there! Humor is coming back, ok, now. Have picked myself up with that shoelace, dusty yes, defeated, no.

I honestly have had NO ONE in my life who could've provided the support and kind words of advice from you sweet dear online pals.

I am overcome with ..... getting goosebumps here, ..... gratitude, compassion for a fellow "fallen" comrade.

I just spoke with the admin staff who was "worried" when I a) didn't return to work for more orientation the other day, and b) when I didn't answer her call or call her back yesterday. Gee....let's see. Oh yes, I was swamped with the tissue box at the time and trying to fight back the demons in my head of ..... yucky bipolar disorder and not the correct medication combo!!! OK. I'm cynical. I'll admit that. Humor and black humor and being cynical are my defense mechanisms today. I'm sure that I'll cry again, and again, later. Humor only gets me thru but so long.

Huge news flash, tho': I've called former employer I have been with since last December working in a very low paying job doing doggie day care. She has already hired on another p/t employee to fill in my missing days I had decided to devote to p/t nursing! Now, not only do I not have the right meds., the p/t nursing job, but have sacrificed some much needed $$$ albeit small amount, to another p/t person and I'm am well and truly f ed.....in regards to number of hours, money earned, meds needed.

To top it off: when I spoke with the admin person, just now, immediately before I came online to vent (once again) to your sympathetic/empathetic ears, she informed me that the "gossip" I had participated in the other day could have been "overlooked" but that she'd gotten "poor references" from other nursing jobs on me. What? I was under the impression that this was an illegal practice. Literally. I know, of course, that things are said "off the record" and that it is literally impossible to "prove" that so and so said what in a reference check telephone call or survey if it is a written one sent out....but geez!

Here I am trying. To return p/t to nursing. To proceed with my life the best way I can. I'm sinking thru cracks in our system. I'm honestly hanging on to the proverbial knot in my string to keep from slipping into oblivion.

I saw my counselor yesterday on an emergent basis, thank god she had the opening. Which is as rare as a gem these days. I took that as a sign from God and went, tears, nerves and all. Have to keep on keeping on. The only thing I know to do.

I may be down....way down. But I will pull out that resilient silly putty, the kind that got me thru nursing school in the first place, and every other hard thing in my sad, sappy life thus far, and yes, I will survive, stretching myself thru thick and thin....again.

Thank you to all who've responded. Your well wishes and kind thoughts have meant way more to me than any of you could ever know. From the bottom of my scarred heart, I want to thank you all.

[nurseangel47]

Need to add, and sorry for such long windedness in these now, three, posts regarding issue I am struggling. I went yesterday for emergent talk therapy with my regular counselor, obtained paperwork for an appt for the fairly near future to apply for temporary financial assistance with the two meds I need for psych purposes. Plus, am going this afternoon at office's closing hours to pick up a) samples of one of my much needed meds. and b) a "coupon" enabling me to go get the other Rx filled...that should even me out once they hit therapeutic levels within. I am sooo grateful to you all for your verbal via this bulleting support, the support of my counselor and the emergency service available where I obtain my counseling services.

Thank you, thank you thank you!