Advice please!!

Hello everyone,

I am feeling very stuck as to what I want to do in the future so I thought I'd get some advice here. I am hitting my one year mark as a new nurse in 2 months. The only reason I started nursing school was to ultimately become a CRNA. That was also my goal for moving across the country to start my new grad ICU program at one of the top hospitals in the US. However, I had a horrible experience in the ICU and ended up leaving about 5 months in. I had worked in ICUs as a tech during nursing school so I knew what it entailed, but it was mostly because of the lateral violence that I just felt unsafe, unsupported, and pretty much miserable in the ICU. On top of that, all my patients were ventilated and very few patients improved. I had moved for this job so I was trying my best to stick it through, but it was so difficult that I just ended up throwing in the towel. Although I must say, I loved titrating drugs and keeping patients hemodynamically stable. I love the critical thinking aspect of it and I actually miss it. Anyways, I switched units to a surgical floor with tele and IMC beds. It was a breath of fresh air!!!! Nurses were nice and supportive. I could educate and talk to my patients. My patients were grateful and they actually IMPROVED and went home. I was very happy because I felt like I finally remembered the reason why I wanted to be a nurse in the first place.

I am slowly getting ready to apply for NP schools. I really don't think I'll like what acute care NPs do because I work with them everyday and I see what they do. I would prefer going to FNP school because I want to focus on health promotion and education in an outpatient setting. I think that really makes me happy. But every single time I think about going to school, one part of my heart is aching for CRNA school. I'm not sure if it is because it was such a long time goal of mine and I feel like I gave up on it or if I should just give the ICU another chance because not all ICUs are horrible to new grads. I think ultimately, I would be very happy as an FNP. However, I want the education of a CRNA, i feel like there is so much more I can learn. Maybe even have the day that I can do a spinal block which has been a long time dream of mine. I feel so wishy washy about this. Should I just go for FNP school because that is something that I know is a good fit for my personality? Or should I give it another go and go for CRNA school even if it takes a lot longer? What do you guys think?