Admissions Essay Critique

[alexamasan]

Hello everyone, I have previously written a personal statement, but now I have shortened it to just barely be short enough to meet the required length. Could you tell me what you guys think of it?

One summer I shadowed a physician at a hospital where I not only observed him, but also physical therapists, nurses, and others doing their part to care for the patients. After seeing how all of these different professionals worked together to bring healthcare for those in need, I knew I wanted to be part of that in some way. Though I was unsure which role I wanted to fulfill, I knew I wanted to be hands-on in the patient care.

After much advice from my family and advisers, I pursued dentistry. I volunteered at a free dental clinic where there was also a medical branch that was supervised by a nurse practitioner. I would occasionally speak to the nurses there and observed what they did during down time in the dental branch. I later worked as a dental assistant at a private practice and whenever we had a nervous patient, I made sure to speak with them to help them relax before the procedure. The dentist and the patients complimented me for doing this, but it was here I began to doubt if dentistry was the right field for me. Though dentistry did allow me to be hands-on, I remembered the nurses at the clinic and hospital going beyond recording numbers and checking vitals. They asked if there was anything more they could do to help the patient feel better. They were actively listening to make sure all of the patient's needs were met. Compassion and understanding is necessary for a nurse to make sure their patients are receiving the best healthcare possible. I resonated with that and I felt I could not utilize this in dentistry much outside of the occasional nervous patient.

I began to seriously consider nursing, but with the influence of others, I had convinced myself that I should continue to pursue dentistry. After entering a graduate program, I realized I had made a mistake and I withdrew. Feeling discouraged, I decided to pursue something completely different in real estate. As a REALTOR, I was able to help those who needed advice and guidance. I was able to take on their burdens as my own and fight for them on the negotiation table. I was an advocate for my clients, making sure their interests were met. Sometimes I was unsuccessful, but I learned from the experiences and looked forward to the next opportunity for my clients. Even though it was a highly rewarding career, I knew my heart was in medicine.

Nursing will not only allow me to serve other people, but it specifically exercises my communication skills and gives a direct, hands-on part in improving their overall health. Being an advocate for my patients and making sure their needs are met is what I would find very rewarding. I understand there will be difficult situations I will have to deal with. However, I plan to learn from them and grow stronger when I move forward. Once licensed, I also plan to go on medical missions to help others who may be more in need. I had allowed others to influence me in my career decision in the past, however, nursing is exactly what I want to do.