A nurse in recovery....long story

Nurses Recovery

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Specializes in trauma, ICU.

Greetings Forum,

Bright eyed and fresh with the enthusiasm that a new graduate possesses, I embarked on an odyssey that continues to enlighten this nurse in recovery. Only 3 months after starting my new career in nursing, I gave birth to my first kidney stone. The physical pain was nearly as bad as the emotional pain from my recent divorce, the medication made the pain from all sources...non-existent. I had a vague remembrance of drug use from some 30 years earlier when I lived in foster homes, the seed that had been sewed many years ago was now in full bloom. Having experimented but abandoned drugs and alcohol, I was the nurse looking down her nose at the ones who couldn't/wouldn't abstain. Surely, their addiction was a result of moral weakness and a severe character flaw. Being a nurse, I knew all the right things to say in order for the prescriptions to keep flowing. What was possibly one of my greatest attributes, soon became my greatest detriment. The catalyst was my arrogance that addiction couldn't happen to me however, reality is quite different.

I am an addict who has been in recover for 14 months. I did things that I never...ever in my wildest dreams/nightmares thought that I would have done. When the well of prescribed drugs began to dry up, I began to divert waste from work. When even that was not enough, I moved to taking the narcotics of discharged patients. Soon, I was a fixis at the pixis. Everyone was so stupid and I was sooooo smart, I could obtain enough medication in 3, 12 hour shifts to sustain me the rest of the week. It was not long before I couldn't procure enough to sustain the hungry beast that had taken me over. Next plan of action was to start diverting from the patients themselves or obtain by way of dealers, what had I become? I mustered up the nerve to confide in a colleague who suggested I consult our EAP, since it was a confidential program. Unrealistically thinking that I would go detox for a few days and then return to work without missing a shift. It has been 14 months and I still do not know the extent of my repercussion's, nor my fate.

While in rehab I self reported to Ohio BON, who placed my license in inactive status (where it continues to be while awaiting criminal charges). The EAP program therapist who referred me to rehab, relayed the details of my activities to the hospital administration and I was subsequently terminated. The colleague whom I confided in activated the peer reporting system and reported the details to the BON. In addition, I confided in the therapist as to extent of my use/abuse and was therefore denied acceptance into the Ohio BON alternative chemical dependency program (history of use as a teenager/young adult). Every thing told to the BON, hospital administration and therapist was forwarded to the county prosecutor. As I stated, it has been 14 months and I have yet to be criminally charged. The attorney who I have retained to deal with the BON, states that the BON will wait until criminal charges have been dealt with before they will impose a contract to reinstate my license. Statute of limitations is 2 years, I have almost a year to go. Hopefully they will forget about me however, I deserve what ever I get. Attorney states that since this is my first offense, I will be eligible for diversion and treatment in lieu.

Furthermore, I have had to alienate myself from most of my biological family due to their consistent drug/alcohol use and the backlash, guilt and shame continue to take a tole. My house is in foreclosure, my ex-

husband is filing for custody of our child and I am starting to socially alienate myself again...I am C&S but hanging on by a hair and a prayer. On a positive note, I had always planned on returning to school (addiction got in the way) however since I do not have an active nursing license I could not complete my BSN so, I am now 9 months away from graduating with a BS in Psychology. The grand plan is to work in a recovery based capacity that utilizes my nursing as well as my psychology degree. I do not believe that I can return to clinical nursing, I do not even want to take the chance....kudo's to those of you who can. Hopefully I can attend Grad school, I am in the processes of applying now, as well as taking the GRE's. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I just cannot see it from here.

Brightest Blessings to you all!!!

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Thankyou for sharing! I am terrified of that possibility for myself and losing everything that I have worked so hard for. Keep your recovery in the front and one next right decision in front of the next and everything will work out the way it should.

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Specializes in ICU.

You know,, I bet you would make a wonderful substance abuse counselor. Those of us who have walked in the shoes are really the only ones that KNOW what the patient must be going through. I mean, you can be taught in class, even have a master's degree, but unless you've suffered from substance abuse, you're only a spectator, looking in from an outside world of 'perfectness'.

You KNOW the struggles that a substance abuser goes through, you KNOW the tricks of the trade and the denials that go along with it.

Maybe all of this happened to you so that you can become a counselor and help save lives, literally. Think about it. I often wonder why we go through the "bad" things... and I know now that as substance abusers, we must hit bottom and dig our way out before we can have the wonderful life that was really meant for us.

Good luck and keep going to school... don't fall back into that hole again, you're not meant to be there... you're meant to be outside helping other's get out of their hole. :)

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Specializes in trauma, ICU.

Thank you sooo much for the words of encouragement. I do believe that things do happen for a reason, although we are not always immediately privy to that reason. Much soul searching has solidified that theory for me, and given the strength to carry on throught this chapter in my life. Again, thank you.

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Specializes in trauma, ICU.
Thankyou for sharing! I am terrified of that possibility for myself and losing everything that I have worked so hard for. Keep your recovery in the front and one next right decision in front of the next and everything will work out the way it should.

For me, the fear of the unknown is far worse that anything that could actually happen. Worrying about everything has taken far worse a toll, than reality. Fear to make a bad decision is almost paralyzing, confidence is replaced by the guilt and shame of many bad decisions. The support from others has been amazing and given strength where it is desperately needed. Thank you for your insight and kind words.

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Specializes in Med-Surg, Trauma, Ortho, Neuro, Cardiac.

Thanks so much for sharing your story. Best of luck to you in all that you do.

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Specializes in Emergency Department, House Supervisor.

Ask any nurse in California's Diversion Program what they fear most. The ETG test will win...hands down.

This is an indirect measure of a liver enzyme that is elevated in the presence of very small amounts of alcohol and can be detected for several days in the urine. Seems like a boon to disciplinary programs. Unfortunately, there are small amounts of alcohol in thousands of the most common household products. Diversion nurses are directed to a list on the internet of common offenders (makeup, household cleaners, food, hand sanitizer) that contain alcohol and must be avoided AT ANY COST. Memorize the list. Don't test positive. (The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration denounces the use of the ETG test for disciplinary purposes, but the company that sells them...SELLS them). If you test positive more than once...you are removed from patient care until the situation is resolved. Plus, 90 meetings in 90 days, don't miss any. Your job, if you are truly without sin (and you will begin to question this yourself), is to become paranoid about everything you eat, drink, and breathe (hairspray and air freshener can make you test positive). You become the "nurse in the plastic bubble." You shrink back in horror on the few occasions when you accidently pump hand sanitizer onto your palm instead of soap. You always, always use gloves when handling alcohol swabs...because, if you do not stop testing positive, the board may declare your tests to be "substantive evidence of a relapse." This will have major repercussions for your Program...your 4-year timer is reset (or worse, your are sent to the disciplinary program, where the Scarlet A is permanently tattooed on your license...and your time starts over). Major repercussions as well for your self-esteem ...you pick up a 24-hour chip at a meeting and announce yourself as one day sober. In 12-step culture, this means going back to step one. Whether or not you actually "used" is immaterial.

Every nurse in Diversion wonders if he or she would be able to make it through the experience of being "declared" relapsed incorrectly. With all of the other degrading experiences that go on, one has to wonder...could you, would you, will you, eat green eggs and ham...?" Or will you, shall you...won't you carry a big "f-word" word for the rest of your life...and we all know what that does don't we, fellow drunks and addicts...poor me...poor me...poor me a ******* drink!!! My own clinical case manager (very wonderful person who does not work for the BRN, has confirmed that participants she believed to have been compliant have in fact been declared "relapsed"). The ETG test makes it possible be 100% compliant, absolutely perfect, the mirror image of normal...and still fail.

It is entirely within the realm of possibility that you will test positive on the ETG at least once during your 4 to 5 year contract as a performer for this circus. I had a string of positive tests with less than a year to go in my program, and I was ordered off my clinical floor for two weeks (at three and 1/2 years clean).Every day I waited for the phone to ring, for my case manager to TELL me that I was in relapse. THAT is how crazy it is. THAT is how powerless you are. I really did not know how much more of this I could take. Unfortunately, the list of high-paying careers for UNLICENSED Masters prepared nurses is depressingly short (did you know that you cannot teach RNs without an RN?) I was writing my comp exam (on addiction... "can you say I-ro-nee?") for my Masters Degree in Nursing and waiting for a call from the Board to tell me to take three giant steps back in my Diversion program. It turned out to be a food ingredient (not on the list). Well, it's on the list now!

Meanwhile, I enjoyed a warm fuzzy scene with my ED nurse manager with whom I had previously had a very professional and respectful relationship...

"...three positive tests actually...well like I said...the test can be positive even with exposure to hand sanitizer...yes three positives...no...I...really haven't..."

But you stop defending yourself, because you have come to recognize this facial expression.

Your supervisor can't see you now.

SyckRN, the professional veteran ER nurse who has worked for him for three years has vanished from his vision.

In her place...a lying unreliable drug addict who has left him with a huge staffing problem.

"Steaming hot humiliation being served in the Nurse Manager's office, complements of the BRN...Come see the incredible shrinking dignity...before it disappears forever...Get it while it's hot!"

You will call an 800 number 7 days a week, 365 days a year...for the duration. You do not ever, EVER, get a vacation from this. You will miss graduations, your childrens' sporting events,your classes, and even work...in order to remain compliant to the drug testing portion of the Diversion program (going long distances to test...even though technically you are not required to go farther than a pretedetermined distance, you are obsessive in your efforts not to cast doubt on your gratitude or your sobriety...these things are not in the Circus Manual, but you know them just the same.) If your urine is too dilute....it counts as a positive. If your doctor prescribes a medication that concerns us, well, we can't really do anything to stop that...but oh boy...so many other things we CAN do...we might have to test you MORE OFTEN. (10,000 dollars and counting)....

When you call the number, and enter the appropriate identifiers, an automated voice gives you your testing status for that day.

You will either get A. "You have been selected for testing...please report to your designated testing site for testing...have a great day."

or

If the Diversion Gods are smiling that day, you hear message B. "You have NOT been selected for testing today...have a FABULOUS day!"

If ever you pass a nurse in the hall of your workplace, and he or she tells you to have a fabulous day, it is quite likely that you have just been greeted by "One Who Bears the A."

"Fabulous" used to be our mantra and was spoken almost as often, but with much more subversive joy...than the word "grateful.":jester:

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Specializes in Med Surg,.

You are brave, thank you.

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Specializes in Emergency Department, House Supervisor.

Thanks. Life is not easy after experiences like this. It has gotten a lot better since then

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Specializes in Impaired Nurse Advocate, CRNA, ER,.
For me, the fear of the unknown is far worse that anything that could actually happen. Worrying about everything has taken far worse a toll, than reality. Fear to make a bad decision is almost paralyzing, confidence is replaced by the guilt and shame of many bad decisions. The support from others has been amazing and given strength where it is desperately needed. Thank you for your insight and kind words.

The biological changes that occur in the brain as a result of this disease lead to the bad decisions, not a "lack of willpower" or "lack of morals". As your brain heals as a result of your abstinence, the work of recovery can help you learn to make better decisions. Also, use your recovery community to help you make difficult decisions. have you ever noticed how it's so much easier to see the decisions that need to be made when it's someone else struggling with a situation? It's no different for us when we find ourselves in those same decisions. Seek out advice and counseling when faced with difficult decisions. It's not a sign of weakness. It's the one trait "successful" individuals share.

Guilt and shame are not the same thing. Guilt is a healthy recognition of making a mistake and the need for amends. Shame is an unhealthy belief that we are worthless and "bad".

As I tell the folks I work with in early recovery...

We are not bad people trying to become good. We have a chronic, progressive, potentially fatal disease and we are trying to become well.

Good luck and keep taking it one day at a time.

:hug:

Jack

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