A Changed Heart

Suffering emotionally and spiritually is enough to make even the boldest person break down in tears.

A Changed Heart

Late nights usually accompany me with the television on low as I randomly read through a magazine or book, once I am in my soft pajamas. I fall asleep quicker when I take a few hours to unwind. Then I turn on the fan, close my eyes and cuddle in my bed with warm blankets surrounding me. This is the typical night for me; nothing exciting.

....and then there are those thoughts that I just so happened to think about as I heard on the commercial about starving children. About those poor dogs that need homes. Kids without running water, a decent education. Barefoot in 30 degree weather. I couldn't imagine a life so horrible.

Here I am- a 27 year old who has the rest of my life in front of her. I'm disgusted with myself. While I am a nurse and do take care of my residents and do my best in this life, why am I not taking a stronger pride in humanity?

Where is my compassion?

I have never wished hell on anyone. Those people who are out on the streets because they are down on their luck- wouldn't just a little part of my check give that person a heads up?

Wouldn't just a little bit of friendship or conversation make for a different emotion?

Why can't the world see this?

Why do we look down on the people who need us the most? No one is perfect- no one deserves to be bullied, or even talked down to. We are all living life with the greatest of struggles. We need to be more kind and deserving of others. Be patient- walk in their shoes for a mile and you will realize that not everything is peaches and cream.

I cry myself to sleep many nights thinking that I wished I had more to give, I wish that my heart could pour out to these people that need to hear what needs to be said. God never meant for anyone to suffer, not in the ways that we do. Suffering emotionally and spiritually is enough to make even the boldest person break down in tears. God loves each and every one of us, no matter what we have done in this life. We have the choice to either ignore it or embrace it.

For just one day- I am going to give it my all, in hopes that what I will have in return is a changed heart.

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jaelpn

About jaelpn, LPN

LPN; Specialty: Skilled geriatric nursing care

3 Articles   45 Posts

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great article!! very touching,,,:)

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Maybe counseling would help you. Maybe you are depressed. I think you are too young to be disgusted with yourself. Put a smile on your face, get out there and show whomever that you care! If I take care on one, it is like I care for the whole world. Thank you for all your hard work. No more crying, please. The divinity in me, recognizes the divinity in you. Namaste my friend. I am 62 years young, been through lots of stuff like everyone else I know, but have tried to maintain a sense of humor about the world. Please when you are down, reach out.

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I agree with the idea that you need some counseling. Many of us are tender-hearted, and all those infomercials begging for our money are meant to make us feel bad. As individuals, we cannot possibly help every person or group asking for a handout.

And some of those down-and-out types are pulling in more than you know, all of it tax-free. Give them some crackers and a bottle of water, or ask if they would be willing to do some yard work.

Best wishes!!!

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I feel compassion for you, I work with many that feel about themselves as you do. I had a near death experience years ago and it changed me completely, so I try to teach others the principles learned from that experience. It is a help for them to understand themselves. There is a book at KenKatin.com that I use. I truly wish you well and love for yourself.

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Specializes in Nursing burnout retreat CE teacher, etc..

Many of us, who are nurses, have this urge to fix, heal and make-well the whole world. It is a good thing but it can become overwhelming. You have that compassionate urge, but it somehow has left your out of the loop. There is a "character" in you that is sending yourself judgement, which has you feeling disgust for yourself and frustration that we all are not doing enough to help each other and fix the inequities, injustices and out right meanness in the world. It could be a good move for you to "retire" this judgmental character. She is not helping you or anyone.

Each of us makes a difference in ways we cannot always see. There is a wonderful story about this in Rachel Naomi Remen's book, called My Grandfather's Blessings, about a woman, who was married to a very emotionally abusive husband, and how a stranger on a street corner in New York City changed her life with just a few minutes of truth-telling. I love this story and often read it out loud when I work with nurses who are processing their burnout. You have helped people in ways you have no clue about. And it is not about measuring your progress, or your work in doing this. There are no performance evaluations here, or productivity quotas to meet, in being kind to whoever is right in front of you, including yourself. Here is a link to Rachel's page about her book. She is an exceptional MD, and storyteller, who works in Northern California. I hope this link will stay in this comment. If it does not, just do a google search on her name. http://www.rachelremen.com/mgb.html

One last encouragement to you: take the wasted energy you used to feed that self-disgust and ask for it to be composted. Don't judge yourself for feeling this way. Keep doing the best you can in each and every moment, and be grateful for all the future opportunities that are coming to you in your life to share compassion and truth-telling. Honor all suffering, as part of the growth process for all of us. Don't think that we are not to have suffering, it is what hones us as fine human beings. Learn how to be present with the suffering, without thinking that it is your responsibility to erase it. The fine 12th century poet Rumi says, "The cure for the pain is in the pain." As nurses, we have an opportunity to just offer our presence, just being here, with the person who is suffering (including ourselves as we cry at night.) Honor your own tears and take a deep breath, and don't pour out your heart (because you need it!) and let your heart be open, strong, present, intact, and compassionate.

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Specializes in ICU, Trauma, ER, Peds, Family Practice.

Perhaps if you have time you should volunteer at a homeless shelter. Collect some blankets and deliver them to the homeless, join a program that will give you fulfillment. You can tutor homeless children there are many things that you can do. Yes, the world is full of injustices and if we all are kind to one another and give a bit it would be a better world. Now that you have purged yourself with crying you can see what you need to do to help those that you are talking about..

Be careful that you dont burn yourself out as nurses we tend to give but their are personal and professional boundaries that you need to learn and you will. Stay healthy emotionally and physically and they you will be able to give within your own personal boundaries .

Best of luck to you and take a direction that fits your needs as you can see there is so much need out in the world.

Paddlelady

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This is just a very sensitive time in your life. You will get a harder shell eventually. Few are immune to suffering. You are very young and time will help. As others have said, counseling may be of help or go volunteer for six months. Would be a terrific experience. You may learn that people view suffering differently and you will get a new perspective. If you do not have children, do it. I sure would!

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Specializes in LTC, CPR instructor, First aid instructor..
Many of us, who are nurses, have this urge to fix, heal and make-well the whole world. It is a good thing but it can become overwhelming. You have that compassionate urge, but it somehow has left your out of the loop. There is a "character" in you that is sending yourself judgement, which has you feeling disgust for yourself and frustration that we all are not doing enough to help each other and fix the inequities, injustices and out right meanness in the world. It could be a good move for you to "retire" this judgmental character. She is not helping you or anyone.

Each of us makes a difference in ways we cannot always see. There is a wonderful story about this in Rachel Naomi Remen's book, called My Grandfather's Blessings, about a woman, who was married to a very emotionally abusive husband, and how a stranger on a street corner in New York City changed her life with just a few minutes of truth-telling. I love this story and often read it out loud when I work with nurses who are processing their burnout. You have helped people in ways you have no clue about. And it is not about measuring your progress, or your work in doing this. There are no performance evaluations here, or productivity quotas to meet, in being kind to whoever is right in front of you, including yourself. Here is a link to Rachel's page about her book. She is an exceptional MD, and storyteller, who works in Northern California. I hope this link will stay in this comment. If it does not, just do a google search on her name. http://www.rachelremen.com/mgb.html

One last encouragement to you: take the wasted energy you used to feed that self-disgust and ask for it to be composted. Don't judge yourself for feeling this way. Keep doing the best you can in each and every moment, and be grateful for all the future opportunities that are coming to you in your life to share compassion and truth-telling. Honor all suffering, as part of the growth process for all of us. Don't think that we are not to have suffering, it is what hones us as fine human beings. Learn how to be present with the suffering, without thinking that it is your responsibility to erase it. The fine 12th century poet Rumi says, "The cure for the pain is in the pain." As nurses, we have an opportunity to just offer our presence, just being here, with the person who is suffering (including ourselves as we cry at night.) Honor your own tears and take a deep breath, and don't pour out your heart (because you need it!) and let your heart be open, strong, present, intact, and compassionate.

This nurse is giving you excellent advice dear. Please heed it. She is a very wise person. We do grow wiser and stronger with time, and some of that time does come with unforseen struggles. Please try not to wear your heart on your sleeve. That will just give you burnout way too soon, and you could learn to loathe what you love right now. It took you time and money to become a nurse, and that is value. Hang on to it sweetie. We are all here for you.:hug::redpinkhe
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Specializes in ICU, PACU, OR.

It's important that you recognize that you can only do YOU! You cannot worry about what others do or say unless it effects you. You being YOU influences others. The way you care for your patients, the way you carry yourself, the way you handle challenges and adversity, what you do in your "off hours". These things are teaching others about your character. This is leadership of the influential kind. You don't have control over the starving children of the world, but you do have the patient that you care for in front of you, you do have family members that may need you from time to time. You do have friends and colleagues that need encouragement from time to time. If you get overwhelmed about the problems of the world sometimes it helps to remember the "Great Commission" Take care of yourself first, then your immediate family, then your friends, then your community, then the world. Step by step, one day at a time, sometimes a minute at a time. I appreciate your caring and concern.

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