No desire to live.

[Jo Dirt]

I know you can't give medical advice on these forums, but I wonder if you deal with dysthymic people often?

I have suffered from depression since I was a young child, though I never realized what I was feeling was depression until I was in my late 20's. It seems any significant amount of stress exacerbates the depression. As a result I've put on tons of weight which doesn't help anything. It's like a hampster wheel; I realize I need to lose weight but when I think about actually doing something I think what's the point? I think mental illness runs in my family on both sides. What's worse is I think I can see it in my oldest daughter, who is 9.

I was on Lexapro 10mg for awhile but eventually it stopped working. The doctor increased it to 20 mg, but I started having scary heart palpitationsand shortness of breath and quit taking it about 6 months ago.

The last couple of weeks or so I have no desire to live anymore. It isn't some boo-hoo poor pitiful me scene, I just simply am tired of living. I don't see the point anymore. My thinking is very negative where it relates to myself. I am rather homely and was raised with very attractive siblings and was compared to them more than once. I was also sexually abused by my older sister's boyfriend when I was 8 and it really warped my reasoning, too. My father didn't want me around. My mother never hid that she resented having children and they were a burden. I think I am overly sensitive as well.

At any rate, is it time for a psychiatrist? I want to die but the only thing that keeps me from going over the deep end is my children who I love more than anything.

Depression is as painful as any physical ailment a person can have and I think that of all the sicknesses there are mental sickness is about the worst kind.

I seriously doubt I would actually kill myself anytime soon, but I really don't want this misery, either. I'd like some advice about what to do. I've gone to psychologists for counseling and one wanted to put me on about three medications (with a doc's approval, of course) but I am afraid of becoming a drooling doper, even though that might be preferable to what I am now. It can kind of be like a personality change, and I really don't want to change my personality, it is the one thing I don't hate about myself (except the depression).

[NurseyBaby'05, BSN, RN]

(((MM)))

Call for help now! It's not going to get better on it's own. The help you need runs deeper than a psychologist. Make an appointment with your PCP tomorrow morning and give him a copy of what you just posted, so what is going on with you is spelled out in black and white. You deserve to feel better. You'll also be able to show your kids how strong of a person you are and that an illness does not have to be debilitating.

[prmenrs, RN]

I am very sorry you feel that way. I can see from your various posts that you have a lot to contribute. Whether that gives you any satisfaction or not, it is true.

You have your daughter to live for. What would she do w/o you? How would she feel if you were not there, esp. if you ended your own life? What effect would that have on her future?

YESSS. GO TO A PSYCHIATRIST AS SOON AS POSSIBLE! There are lots of different medications and combinations of meds that could help you. Please call a crisis hot line if you feel that you will do something drastic.

Lastly, you know that giving medical advice is beyond the scope of this Board. THAT DOES NOT MEAN WE DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU. It does mean that this thread must be closed.

Be well!