nursing admission essay help...edit??

[jreneex2]

Hi, I am applying (again) for this fall's nursing program. This is one of my essays for the community college. I also have one for a BSN program. I have written, edited, and read this so many times that it just does not sound good at all to me...I am sure some of you know what I mean. I am hoping someone out there can share a bit of english comp I basic wisdom??? (been over 10 yrs). Be brutal, I can take it. I know it needs to be polished. The school is asking for a letter stating why I would be a good candidate for their nursing program. I looked at their mission statement and tried to include some things throughout. Please, be brutally honest.

Thanks...JEN

An ideal candidate for your nursing program would bring diversity, medical experience, and strong academics. These are qualities that I have, but these qualities alone do not automatically make me the perfect candidate. I understand that becoming a nurse is a lifetime commitment of learning and selfless altruism. Being strong academically will help me do well on a test, being exposed and educated about different cultures comforts me in the company of diversity. The medical knowledge and experience I have will bring confidence in my clinical abilities and rapport with patients and other clinicians, but if I was not an open-minded person, able to learn and apply new ways and new theories, then I would not be an ideal candidate.

Thankfully, I am that type of person and as it turns out I have gained a lot of experience in many areas of my life that have enhanced me as a person. I have always known I could do more than anyone else thought possible, and I have consistently proved myself to be more than they bargained for. I love a challenge, and do not let even a hint of an opportunity go unclaimed. If I want something, I go for it and give it all I have. I succeed because I aim high and work hard. It takes a certain kind of person to be a nurse, with the right kind of feeling and the complete desire to excel. I know that I am without hesitation that person.

The first time I truly reached out for opportunity I was seventeen, I joined the Army. I had accepted this as my challenge to achieve my goals towards education. It was then that I learned the true meaning of success. Not allowing myself failure, I learned self-discipline and perseverance. Exposure to different cultures in the military is different than just studying about it or even attending college within a diverse community. In basic training you live in one open bay for twelve weeks and you truly learn the value of diversity. I was one of over fifty women from all over the world, living in one large room. Throughout those weeks we became accustomed to each other's accents, habits, and personalities. To complete our goal, eventually we all learned to work together despite our differences. As leadership and team building skills were instilled during those times of duress, I have forever maintained these attributes. The military afforded me with an education rich in the medical field. My climb has been slow and steady as I gained more knowledge in which to build off of. Starting with patient administration, later with EMT, and lastly as a Respiratory Therapist.

In the beginning of my career as a Respiratory Therapist I faced the tribulations of single parenthood. Motherhood cultivated a mature and awe-inspiring responsibility in me. I became more driven to succeed; sacrifices were gladly made to make a more positive future for my daughter and me. The pursuit of my nursing degree was attempted when my daughter was two; however, despite my academic success I was unable to continue due to lack of childcare and support. As I begin my pursuit again, So many years later, I am married and have two children. Both of my children are in grade school and my entire family is supportive of my academic endeavor, as they have proved this past year.

Working in the field of Respiratory care for eleven years, I have built a solid foundation of clinical experience. I feel that I am ready to expand my medical career into that of an RN to allow advancement into many new areas utilizing my education and background to build upon. I have spent many years learning the various skills that have made me an excellent respiratory therapist. I am now ready to devote many more to become an excellent nurse. I have attributes that will be a great contribution as I go through the nursing program, and well into my nursing career. Having proficiencies in areas of Critical thinking, time management, patient assessments, and clinical skills offer me a benefit, facilitating achievement in a demanding program. Working closely with nurses for many years I have an honest understanding of the encompassing, and manual work they do. I know it can be a difficult and challenging position, which is one of the reasons I find it so rewarding. The responsibilities are massive and the impact they have on patients and families lives can be just as impressive. I look forward to new opportunities as I take this challenging climb up the ladder to the next step on my career path. I feel a strong ambition towards nursing and a great motivation to succeed.

Over the past year while I have been completing my pre-requisite courses I have gained a newfound eagerness for knowledge which coupled for my compassion and dedication to the nursing profession give me all the ingredients to make an excellent nurse. I have worked so hard and have already accomplished so much, repeating all of my science courses, achieving all A's, in one year. I am thrilled at the notion of being accepted into the nursing program at Massassasoit community college.

[emptyboxcars]

I think overall, thsi is good. I think you need to work on maintaining your train of thought/connecting ideas throughout it. I also think you need to tighten it up for more power. It's somewhat lengthy. HTH

[jreneex2]

Thank you so much for your feedback. Do you have any suggestions for tightening it up?? or do you see any patterns that could help me maintain my train of thought? I agree it is lengthy too.

JEN

[emptyboxcars]

I'll be going out tonight, but if you'd like I can work on it tomorrow afternoon during my son's nap. I'll be out tom. night, too, but after that I can work on it in teh evening. I enjoy that sort of thing and would be happy to help (and you can take my advice with a grain of salt, of course! ). When are you planning on turning it in to the school?

[jreneex2]

hi, I was planning on turning it in on wednesday. I just revised. Let me know what you think. I appreciate your help. anytime you can give it is fine...:)

Please accept my application for admission to your nursing program this fall. As an ideal candidate I bring diversity, medical experience, and a strong academic background. I offer these qualities intertwined in a lifetime of experiences. I understand that becoming a nurse is a lifelong commitment of learning and selfless altruism. Being strong academically, I do well on tests. Being exposed and educated about different cultures comforts me in the company of diversity. The medical knowledge and experience I have conveys confidence in my clinical abilities and rapport with patients and clinicians. Most important, I am an open-minded person, able to learn and apply new ways and new theories. Merging my qualities with my goals and personality produces a choice candidate for your nursing program.

I have always known I could do more than anyone else thought possible, and I have consistently proven this to myself. I love a challenge, and do not let even a hint of an opportunity go unclaimed. If I want something, I go for it and give it all I have. I succeed because I aim high and work hard. It takes a certain kind of person to be a nurse, with compassion and the complete desire to prevail. I know that I am without hesitation that person.

The first time I truly reached out for opportunity I was seventeen, I joined the Army. I had accepted this as a challenge to achieve my goals towards education. It was during that time that I learned the true meaning of success. By not allowing myself the option of failure, I learned self-discipline and perseverance. Exposure to different cultures in the military is different than just studying about it or even attending college within a diverse community. In basic training, for twelve weeks, I lived in an open barracks with over fifty women from all over the world. During those weeks we became accustomed to each other's accents, habits, and personalities. Successful graduation depended on cooperation despite our differences. As leadership and team building skills were instilled during times of duress, I have forever maintained these attributes. The military also afforded me with an education rich in the medical field. My climb was steady as I gained more knowledge to build off of. I Trained first as a patient administrator, later as an Emergency Medical Technician, and lastly as a Respiratory Therapist.

Starting my career as a Respiratory Therapist I faced the tribulations of single parenthood. Motherhood cultivated a mature and awe-inspiring responsibility in me. I became more driven to succeed; sacrifices were gladly made to foster a more positive future for my daughter and me. The pursuit of my nursing degree was attempted when my daughter was two, however; despite my academic success I was unable to continue due to lack of childcare and support. As I begin my pursuit many years later, I am now married and have two children. Both of my children are in grade school and my entire family is supportive of my academic endeavor, as they have proven this past year.

Working in the field of respiratory care for eleven years, I have built a solid foundation of clinical experience. I am ready to expand my medical career as a Registered Nurse to allow advancement into many new areas while utilizing my education and background. I have spent many years learning the various skills that have made me an excellent Respiratory Therapist. I am now ready to devote many more years to become an excellent Registered Nurse. Having proficiencies in areas of critical thinking, time management, patient assessment, and clinical skills will be a great contribution as I go through the nursing program, as well as into my nursing career. Working closely with nurses for many years, I have an honest understanding of the encompassing, and manual work the nursing field entails. I know it can be a difficult and challenging position, which is one of the reasons I find it so rewarding. The responsibilities of the nursing profession are massive and the impact they have on patients and families lives is just as impressive. I look forward to new opportunities as I take this challenging climb up the ladder to the next step on my career path. It is my goal once I have earned my degree as a Registered Nurse to work in critical care. Once I have gained enough experience I will pursue my ultimate goal; to become a Certified Registered Nurse Anesthetist.

Over the past year while I have been completing my pre-requisite courses, I have gained a newfound eagerness for knowledge which coupled with my compassion and dedication to the nursing profession and all its opportunities give me all the ingredients to excel. Despite the availability of a science waiver, I chose to retake my outdated science classes. I wanted to reestablish my academic proficiencies in preparation for the challenges that lay ahead as I continue my education. My hard work helped me achieve all A's since I have returned to school; my strong ambition and motivation to succeed ensures me I will reach my goal. Thank you for your time and consideration for admission. I am thrilled at the notion of being accepted into the nursing program at Massassasoit Community College.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

[emptyboxcars]

Okay, here's what I did. As you'll notice, I tightened it up considerably. Of course, if I took out something that you feel is important, definitely put it back in, but I really felt it needed to be tightened to give it more focus and power. I also changed your last line to deliver more power as well. I tried to provide more continuity and break up the paragraphs more throughout it, as well as maintain sequence of events based on your opening line. Overall, however, I think your word choice is excellent.

I hope this helps. And, like I said, do with it what you will! I won't be offended at all. Of course, I am curious to hear what you think about my edit, though. :)

Anyway, best of luck to you! It sounds like you are an excellent candidate and have a very good chance of getting in to your school of choice.

[emptyboxcars]

why i would be an ideal candidate (or whatever the title is)

by __________________

as an ideal candidate, i offer diversity, medical experience, and a strong academic background. i offer these qualities intertwined in a lifetime of experiences.

the first time i truly reached out for opportunity, i was seventeen. i had decided to join the army and viewed this as a challenge to achieving my goals toward education. it was during this time that i learned the true meaning of success. by not allowing myself the option of failure, i learned self-discipline and perseverance.

in basic training, for twelve weeks, i lived in an open barracks with over fifty women from all over the world. during those weeks we became accustomed to each other's accents, habits, and personalities. exposure to different cultures in the military is different than just studying about it or even attending college within a diverse community. successful graduation depended on cooperation despite our differences. as leadership and team building skills were instilled during times of duress, i have forever maintained these attributes.

the military also afforded me an education rich in the medical field. my career climb was steady, as i gained more knowledge and built upon it. i first trained as a patient administrator, then as an emergency medical technician, and lastly as a respiratory therapist.

i have worked in the field of respiratory care for eleven years and carry with it a solid foundation in clinical experience. my proficiency in critical thinking, time management, patient assessment, and clinical skills will contribute greatly to the nursing program, and on into my nursing career. (perhaps expound here if desired)

over the past year, as i have been completing my pre-requisite courses, i have gained a newfound eagerness for knowledge, which, coupled with my compassion and dedication to the nursing profession, gives me all the ingredients to excel. despite the availability of a science waiver, i have chosen to re-take my outdated science classes. i wanted to re-establish my academic proficiencies in preparation for the challenges that lay ahead as i continued my education. through my hard work, i have achieved straight a's; my strong ambition and motivation to succeed ensures that i will reach my goal.

upon earning my degree as a registered nurse, it is my goal to work in critical care. once i have gained enough experience, i will pursue my ultimate goal of becoming a certified registered nurse anesthetist. i look forward to new opportunities as i take this exciting climb up the ladder to the next step in my career.

[jreneex2]

Thank you so much, I think your edit is great. I have read this so many times, it is nice to read it through someone elses view. I really appreciate the feedback. It is hard to think of what to leave out...I know they use these as the deciding factor...I was thinking they may be biased because I am a respiratory therapist and I was not sure if I was portraying how much I wanted to do this. I really have a lot of goals, pursuing further education, I am interested in teaching in public schools once I get my degree etc. but I did not know how to word that without sounding unsure of my goals.

thanks again

[emptyboxcars]

I'm glad I could help! Let me know if you get accepted!

Out of curiosity, why would they hold it against you for being a Respiratory Therapist? I would think that would work to your benefit? Me? I've been a stay at home mom for 5 years! Now, I feel *that's* something that's working against me! I think your experience, grades, etc. are all wonderful and should get you in to the school.

Did you take your TEAS test yet?

[jreneex2]

I thought they may hold it against me because I already had a degree, and I may be viewed as someone who does not "need" another degree over someone that did not have a degree or career yet?? Plus if I was not convincing in my reasons for wanting to be a nurse, if felt they would think I was leaving respiratory because I disliked it. Wheareas I am grateful for my experience and only wish for further advancement in a broader area of medicine, to take care of the entire patient in many areas of the healthcare field. I am probably over thinking the whole idea, I know. LOL. I did take my TEAS, and I got an 88% overall, which is what the school wants, "a student with scores of 88% or higher will be given preference." I just have to write my essay for BSN program now. That one has a specific question of describing how a specific decision I have made in my life has impacted me. The other choice I was considering was a major event or person that had a significant effect on my life and how it has affected me.

Are you applying for this fall as well??

Thanks again for your help.

JEN

[Daytonite, BSN, RN]

I am always upset when I read admission essays because they will contain a sentence like "I have the attributes to be a good RN" and then mention none of them that are relevant. RNs today are patient care managers and problem solvers. Yes, they have to know how to do a lot of different procedures, but that is technical stuff. In the old days we had to demonstrate our dexterity by threading a needle at admission interviews. That has pretty much gone by the wayside. Today's RN has to be assertive and a leader. If they leave the business they are well qualified to be a supervisor or manager in just about any other field. Critical thinking is problem solving. That is what RN school teaches among other things. Unless there is a word requirement, shorten this essay. I got bored reading it because it was too long. And so will the admission committee. They read hundreds of these. Give 'em a break. Make it short and sweet with just the pertinent stuff.

[dreams2bnurseco]

Jen -

I truly hope a school wouldn't hold your valuable experience against you, or anyone for that matter. I'll be applying to two accelerated BSN programs this summer, and I have a bachelors + a masters. I am currently unemployed (laid off September 2009), but I've been told by many (non-nurses) that I'm "over educated" -- however, given that many hospitals are hiring only students with at the very least a BSN, you have a leg up already and I think you'll do great - that experience will translate into a more experienced student, and ultimately, a more experienced nurse. Any school or hospital that doesn't want that is just crazy!!!