Sorry, it's been a while since I posted. I wanted to elaborate more on this since some more problems have arisen.
Over the last year I've been in a very tumultuous state. I started out loving my floor. It was challenging, but the population was good. Then, within the first month, my boss started calling me into her office constantly to talk about things (issues I was having apparently?) Obviously some of them were relevant but I learned quickly to ask for help and to learn from my mistakes. However, she'd call me in without looking at my charting to investigate issues (patient complained about pain control and I had charted the pain level, interventions and patient response and had checked on him frequently and he indicated the control was adequate), but instead of looking at my charting, she called me in and made a huge deal of it. Since then it seemed like there were constant things she needed to talk to me about, even though all my coworkers (from day AND night shift) said I was a fantastic nurse and that I was far above the level of a normal new grad, and the charge nurses indicated that they trusted me with the hardest patients on the floor.
I talked to some of the other nurses and apparently this is a common issue on the floor. She targets people, especially people who don't do well standing up for themselves (which admittedly I have a problem doing, I'm a bit of a people-pleaser) and then she undermines their confidence and calls them in for issues that aren't necessarily the most important things. She won't order us sitters because they're expensive, so instead she wants us to try restraints and medications first, which partially I feel is okay to try medications to calm patients down first, but restraints over a sitter seems morally bankrupt and ehtically I have a very hard time dealing with that, and on our floor a lot of patients have head and neck surgeries and have a trach and often are delirious, so if we restrain them and lose their airway, they couldn't call at all! I've brought that up but she says sitters don't reduce the chance of falls.
I recently had a fall of an ENT patient. It was his second fall in the hospital (not on my watch) but when I called and asked for a sitter (since we have to call her to get approval, doctor orders don't matter) she said "Day shift could handle him, why couldn't you?!" I was about in tears! I had just had a fall, and ended up having to spend the rest of the shift sitting in the patient room, luckily my other two patients were comfort care so I only needed someone else to sit in the room once an hour to check on them, but it seems so unsafe, and this has been going on since she became manager with other nurses. I talked to her one morning and thought that was the end of it, but then I get an e-mail calling me into her office the next week and to fill out this learning debrief etc. and have it ready to talk about in the meeting. We are union and technically no-fault falls are the standard. I was so shaken up I couldn't eat or sleep because every time I talk with her I leave feeling inadequate and like I'm a terrible nurse, and like I can do nothing right. I know this is a huge rant, but multiple complaints have been made about my manager and nothing has happened and I feel like I'm so stuck and have nowhere else to go. Who can I talk to? She said she couldn't recommend me for the job on the other floor given my fall and she felt I needed to stay put and work on these issues. I feel so helpless. I'm depressed, I don't have energy to do anything, and I'm about ready to just leave nursing and start a bakery or something. My boyfriend says he doesn't even remember the last time he heard me laugh. I just want to enjoy my job and feel like I'm a good nurse, and my coworkers all tell me I am, and they tell me repeatedly that I should just brush it off...but I feel like I can't. I've seen a therapist (at the beginning of my job) to deal with these issues and they were better for a time, but my therapist moved and the issues are coming back. Her undermining me makes me more nervous to do my job and I feel like I'm checking myself a dozen times just because I'm scared of having to deal with her again.
I feel sick going to work, I can't sleep and I'm super jittery when I see her. I've even changed my shift to working Fri-Sun nights so I only have to see her Monday mornings because the thought of saying hi to her every morning makes me feel terrified.
Sorry, again, for the rant. I'm just so lost and discouraged. Any advice would be great.