What would you do? - page 2

A few years after I graduated from college, a friend of mine invited me to be one of her supporters at her first birth. Her husband and a few other family members were there, of course. I was... Read More

  1. by   Altalorraine
    And yes, I selected an OB nurse website because nurses are medical and science professionals with a professional perspective on the situation. They have seen it all.
    What are you seeking here? Advice on how you, as a grown woman, should handle your mother? That has nothing to do with OB nursing.

    I do not change my opinion that someone coming to this site to discuss how disgusting birth is (in general terms since you provided no specifics of your complaint) is offensive.

    Altalorraine
    Last edit by Altalorraine on Oct 19, '06
  2. by   Nice2MeetU
    Pain control is an issue for me. I've been reading the thread about epidurals, and there seems to be some very mixed opinion about the use of it in birth. Some posters seem to like it; others feel it is overused; others seem to feel it is a bit dangerous; and some think using it is a sign of weakness. I'm not sure what was used for pain relief during the birth I witnessed. I looked at the thread for an elective c-section, but that seems to be horribly painful afterwards, and there is a strong opinion against it by some of the medical professionals. I would want a general rather than a regional, so that might be out, too.

    I could always discuss adoption with my SO. I think he might go for it.

    Clearly, the best thing to do is make the topic off-limits to the source of the problem. Good idea, too.

    Thank you!
  3. by   moongirl
    You have every right to make your own decisions. I am worried however that you are making a choice based on pain of the delivery that you saw. Epidurals are wonderous things. There does NOT have to be terrible terrible pain in childbirth.

    I have 2 friends who had total labor of 2 hours and the baby practically fell out. I had one labor that lasted like 3 days, the other 4 hours

    to miss out on the joy of having a child if you truly want one would be wrong. If you do want a baby but the pain is holding you back, discuss this with your OB GYN before you make a life altering decision.

    If you truly dont want a child, you do not need to explain that to anyone. Thats between you and your hubby.
    Good luck!
  4. by   Gompers
    Quote from moongirl
    If you truly dont want a child, you do not need to explain that to anyone. Thats between you and your hubby.
    Exactly. There are plenty of people who don't want children, and that is fine. They are just going to have to be confident in their decision because many people - especially potential grandparents - will be questioning it in the future. There isn't anything wrong with not having kids - but many people won't buy that it's just because of the childbirth thing. Like I said before, there are tons of kids - millions around the world - who need good homes. Adoption is a beautiful thing, it really is. Expensive, but physically pain-free. If you don't want kids - fine, end of story. But if you do - then adoption is an option worth exploring.
  5. by   rnin02
    I think I can really relate to how you feel. The first births I witnessed, during school and during orientation, made me teary, happy for the family, etc, etc. While I am still really happy for the families of these brand new babies, who are so happy and excited, every birth I see makes me more and more convinced I would not want to experience it. Its not the pain issue, its just the overall experience I wouldn't want to go through. And I admire the women who can, who are excited about, happy, brave, and do it again. I just know I couldn't. And I will keep that between my husband and I, since I'm pretty sure my mother would be/will be upset with no grandchildren. If I were you I would just not bring it up with her again, if she becomes rude and confrontational again, just tell her you have multiple reasons for not wanting to have babies and its your decision to make, not hers. Easier said then done, I know. Good luck!
  6. by   Gompers
    Just a reminder that personal attacks are against this website's Terms of Service. This is a very sensitive topic, so let us please be careful about how we present ourselves and our opinions here. Thanks!
  7. by   Nice2MeetU
    Quote from rnin02
    I think I can really relate to how you feel. The first births I witnessed, during school and during orientation, made me teary, happy for the family, etc, etc. While I am still really happy for the families of these brand new babies, who are so happy and excited, every birth I see makes me more and more convinced I would not want to experience it. Its not the pain issue, its just the overall experience I wouldn't want to go through. And I admire the women who can, who are excited about, happy, brave, and do it again. I just know I couldn't. And I will keep that between my husband and I, since I'm pretty sure my mother would be/will be upset with no grandchildren. If I were you I would just not bring it up with her again, if she becomes rude and confrontational again, just tell her you have multiple reasons for not wanting to have babies and its your decision to make, not hers. Easier said then done, I know. Good luck!
    Ok, so I am not totally alone, which is how I have been feeling. ITA because I just get this feeling that I *couldn't* get through it. I mean, I have great respect for those mothers who can make it. But dang, I don't see myself getting through the process of pregnancy and certainly labor, which looks sooo much torture for sooo long. I am always amazed that women get through it so well, some of them, anyway, and I admire them when they have more than one child. It takes a certain *umph* I don't seem to have. I wonder why I don't have it, though. I guess it is just me.

    And you were smart to keep it to yourself and your husband.

    It makes me sad to think that I can't do it, though. I really feel like there is something wrong with me, not able to deal with the pain. I know some medical folks really don't like the epidurals, and to go in asking for one early on doesn't seem to be the best or most acceptable idea.

    It's comforting to know that I am not alone, though.
  8. by   SmilingBluEyes
    NO you are not alone. I witnessed the birth of a roommate's baby at the age of 19 and it was painful and traumatic....but also awe-inspiring. But it did give me pause to think....and really I had no desire to have a baby for years after that. I was not prepared for the sights and sounds of this birth, but at least did get that it was a powerful and life-altering event I was priveleged to witness. BUT I CAN see how it would affect others negatively, as in your case, Nice. You owe nobody further explanation, really. I get it!
  9. by   BSNtobe2009
    This post really saddens me. I had always wanted to be a mother, and the first thing I thought of after I found out I was pregnant was, "Oh my God, I don't know if I can have this baby or not." Even worse, I feared a c-section worse than anything b/c I knew you were awake through the entire procedure. All I heard, was about episiodomies (sp?), 21 hour labors, burst bowels, you name it I have a very low tolerance to pain and used to cry over a paper cut.

    Somehow, I got through it, and had to have a c-section on top of it, and I woke up the next morning, very sore, but the pain was never unbearable or constant...as long as I was still I was fine.

    I thought, "hey, that wasn't so bad, I could probably do it again"

    Trust me, if I could do it, ANYONE can. I had never been so scared in all of my life, but I just had it blew up in my mind.
  10. by   TrudyRN
    Quote from Nice2MeetU
    A few years after I graduated from college, a friend of mine invited me to be one of her supporters at her first birth. Her husband and a few other family members were there, of course. I was flattered. Neither one of us are nurses, but my mother is a pediatric nurse, so I did a little bit of reading about labor and delivery. I viewed my role as a friend and supporter, nothing more.

    Although the birth was considered normal and non-eventful by the professionals who competently attended her, both the mother and I later agreed it was one of the worst experiences of our lives. (She never had another child.) Not only have I never forgotten it, I had nightmares about it for months. The process alone was horrible, and just watching the pain she experienced literally made me vomit when I finally was able to leave and get in my car. (I threw up in a McDonald's bag I neglected to toss out. So glad I was a garbage bum that night!)

    Fast forward to today. I am nearly 40 and finally engaged. I've been meticulous about birth control and avoided pregnancy all these years. My boyfriend and I are planning to get married in about a year, maybe less--not a big, expensive shindig.

    My problem is my mother. I never told her that I decided right then and there, that night, that I would never have a baby. Truly, it was a significantly traumatizing experience, and there is not a chance I am putting myself through that kind of pain. It makes no sense to me--I don't understand the mentality of someone who would voluntarily do it. My boyfriend is resigned to not having any children--I even offered to end the relationship if he wanted children with someone else, but he said no, Mr. Wonderful--but my mother has become the Nightmare on Elm Street since she (finally) figured out why I won't have any children. Her anger is really amazing. She is truly irate, and the name calling, fighting, etc., is a shock. She's controlling, yes, but this is even a little bit much for her. She is mighty peeved that I won't have a baby, no grandchildren, I am being selfish, etc. On and on, one complaint after another about the decision, I had better change my mind, etc.

    I think the best way to handle this is to (quietly) have my tubes tied and just announce it after the fact. I need to get her to understand that birth is way too much and way too painful for me to handle.

    I mean, it's all about personal choice, right? No nurse wants a me for a patient! You'd think she would get that.
    It's your bod. Stick to your guns. 40 is sort of getting up there, too, with higher incidence of birth defects a real possibility. You could try foster home work, adoption IF YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND TRULY WANT TO.

    I do understand your Mom's disappointment and hope you can write her a tender letter about this topic, acknowledging her feelings. It is a pretty big letdown for her, it seems, and that is understandable, even though it is still probably wise for you to stick to your decision.

    If you do happen to wind up pregnant, know that centuries of women have survived this before you and so will you. Epidurals are a Godsend.
  11. by   gentle
    Hey Nice,

    Wow, I read your post and boy could I relate to that one on several levels.
    I went through a similar experience only it wasn't a friends birth. It was during my clinical rotations. I can honestly say, I had absolutely no desire to give birth whatsoever after witnessing that birth. It too was a normal uneventful birth.

    It took me 8 to 9 years to ever even be willing to examine my thoughts later. And my husband and I both had agreed to adopt before he proposed.

    I know how important it is to make fertility choices very very carefully. Later when we did have children, we had a special needs child. Though I can say for myself and myself only, I wouldn't change anything, this is a challenging road. We are now gearing up to look for our daughter, we will adopt her. I believe she will also have special needs. But we are the people who can do this with help. Not everyone can.

    No one I knew ever got to choose what type of child they gave birth to.

    It is very good to love your mother and yourself by keeping this topic strictly off limits.

    It is not selfish of you to not give birth. It is selfish of other people to pressure you into doing so for their own ego, or their own values.

    I can't help but wonder if the world needs more loving understanding adults who can occasionally pitch in by helping kids in other ways.
  12. by   TrudyRN
    Quote from Nice2MeetU
    Pain control is an issue for me. I've been reading the thread about epidurals, and there seems to be some very mixed opinion about the use of it in birth. Some posters seem to like it; others feel it is overused; others seem to feel it is a bit dangerous; and some think using it is a sign of weakness. I'm not sure what was used for pain relief during the birth I witnessed. I looked at the thread for an elective c-section, but that seems to be horribly painful afterwards, and there is a strong opinion against it by some of the medical professionals. I would want a general rather than a regional, so that might be out, too.

    I could always discuss adoption with my SO. I think he might go for it.

    Clearly, the best thing to do is make the topic off-limits to the source of the problem. Good idea, too.

    Thank you!
    C Sections aren't horribly painful. They are surgery but there is good relief available during (anesthesia) and after. They're bad enough but not unbearable, as evinced by the fact that many, many women do bear them. Still, do your own thing.
  13. by   CritterLover
    Quote from nice2meetu
    ok, so i am not totally alone, which is how i have been feeling. ita because i just get this feeling that i *couldn't* get through it. i mean, i have great respect for those mothers who can make it. but dang, i don't see myself getting through the process of pregnancy and certainly labor, which looks sooo much torture for sooo long. i am always amazed that women get through it so well, some of them, anyway, and i admire them when they have more than one child. it takes a certain *umph* i don't seem to have. i wonder why i don't have it, though. i guess it is just me.

    and you were smart to keep it to yourself and your husband.

    it makes me sad to think that i can't do it, though. i really feel like there is something wrong with me, not able to deal with the pain. i know some medical folks really don't like the epidurals, and to go in asking for one early on doesn't seem to be the best or most acceptable idea.

    it's comforting to know that i am not alone, though.


    [font="comic sans ms"]ok, i agree with you on the no-kids decision, though for different reasons. i think i could get through the pregnancy and labor parts. i think the hard part would be raising the child! have no desire to go through all of that. maybe i'm just selfish. i'm innundated by people who, upon hearing this, reply "but it will be different when it is your own child!" my reply? "but what if it isn't. then what do i do? not the time to find out." this usually shuts them up.

    bottom line? it is nobody's business but yours and your husband's. i wouldn't even discuss it with your mother if i were you. just a simple "when/if i become pregnant, you'll be one of the first to know" would be all i'd give out. you are in your 40's, right? not surprising to have difficulty conceiving at that age, should you try. no one's buisness if you are trying to conceive or trying not to conceive. not even your mother's. don't let it become anyone's business. should she push, a plain "why do you ask," or "don't you think that is a bit personal?" is all i'd say.

    i'm lucky in that i have siblings to give my parents their grandchildren. still, my mother is upset that i have chosen to not have any kids. so be it. she isn't going to be the one hanging around to raise the kids. it isn't her decision.

    good luck!

close