Surrogacy ? How do you feel about it?

Before my best friend had any children of her own she considered being a surrogate for her mother, I told her I didn't feel like she would be strong enough to carry a baby for nine months then give it up and not try to interfere with raising it, so she decided to wait until she had at least one child of her own before committing, and after she had been pregnant she decided she wouldn't be able to do it. I know I wouldn't be able to, like someone else said I am just not that strong of a person. I think it is great though for those who are able to, It is the greatest gift you could possibly ever give another person, but I personally would look for a surrogate who had delivered at least one child so that they fully understood what they were getting into. JMHO

"think if all parties are agreeable, and legalities worked out well in advance, it is an absolute win-win situation for all involved. How can it NOT be?"
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We had a very sad case of a couple and surrogate where the baby had severe problems. The couple backed out of the agreement, the surrogate didn't want the baby and it ended up in the court system. We never heard how it was resolved. The baby was in foster care awaiting the decision.
We had another case where the surrogate had to have a hyst after post partum hemmorhage related to placenta previa. It doesn't always work out well for everyone involved.

Peg, I would hope most couples and surrogates nowadays plan for those possibilities. There was a much publicized case years back where a surrogate became pregnant with twins and the couple only wanted one of them which led to people planning better. It's one of the reasons I would only do a gestational surrogacy.

fergus, they had that story on Judging Amy a couple years ago too.

If I weren't so old and worn out I would consider doing it for someone. I think it's a wonderful gift. But I can see how it wouldn't be for everyone.

I have mixed feelings about this.

On the one hand, like others said, if all parties are on the same page and comfortable with the situation, it's very beneficial and quite a blessing for all involved.

However, in the grander scope of things, it makes me sad that a baby who is already concieved won't be adopted. I'm biased, though. I have one 3-year-old son, and I planned an adoption for his younger brother. That ended up being a beautiful experience...I really think it was fate...I think they were destined to be that child's parents, and I was destined to carry him. And it has blessed me just as much as them in various ways.

I can't help but think of all the other babies and older children who desperately need loving homes. It would make more sense to me to take care of the kids already born that to insist on making new ones.

I have a Catholic friend who strongly believes that if you aren't able to concieve, it is because there is a child out there who's parents weren't able to care for it...and thus, you can fill that empty place for the child, and the child can likewise fill your void.

It's a beautiful thought, and it makes sense, but I can understand why someone would want a biological child. I think it's just a natural desire. And since I've been able to give birth, maybe I don't understand the full scope of that desire when you aren't able to. And at the same time, what about couples that can concieve? Should they be adopting as well? It seems like a double standard. My Catholic friend would argue, of course, that if you can concieve, then it's God's will. If you can't, then obviously you should adopt. But it's easy to say that when you've birthed four kids And she believes that since we have to invoke medical science to produce a surrogacy, it doesn't fit into God's plan. I'm sure God's more complicated than that, though, as he produces miracles with medical science all the time.

From a person who has suffered from infertility, I think it is a beautiful, miraculous way for an infertile couple (who cannot possibly carry their own) to become parents.

One of my friends just had her 3rd baby. She is very fertile (and young- 25). She doesn't want any more children. The other day, we were talking about my infertility problems (the fact that my son is an IVF baby). She point blank told me she would carry a baby for me, in a heartbeat.

Fortunately, I don't have that problem. My uterus is fine. It is my fallopian tubes that are missing. But I was just so taken by her generosity. This is someone who has no problems getting pregnant or carrying a baby to term. She knows she is blessed. She wants to be able to give that gift to a couple who can't. I think that is a very honorable, loving, and caring thing to do.

A long time ago I said I could never be a surrogate...to carry baby...go through all that you do, only to give that child "away".

I think I've since changed my mind. I could be a surrogate...for the "incubator" only. I don't think, scratch that, I know that I couldn't use my own eggs, carry a child that is partly mine...and give him/her up. That's why I could never adopt out, and admire those who do/can/have to.

But to carry someone else's baby, and help them in a way they can't do themselves, I could do.

I could also donate my eggs to someone who could use them. I just wouldn't want to carry my own (baby) to give up.

I've realized that I LOVED being pregnant...and I waited so long between the first and the last baby (I only have two). But I don't want anymore children. And yeah, carrying/having baby takes a toll on one's body....but I'd do it, for the right people, for the right reasons. I suppose that's why there's the interview process before one goes into it.

It's the Catholic church that is against it - at least according to my friend. She is incredibly devout, so she's probably right. The basic reasoning she gave me is that you are interfering with God's will. She thinks (and she bases this on Catholic teachings, I guess) that if you are infertile - don't flame me, this is her! - it is your "cross to bear," and there is a reason for it that God just hasn't revealed yet.

This reminds me of my aunt. She tried and tried to get pregnant. She finally did, and then she lost the baby shortly after birth. It was all heartbreaking for her, obviously. So she didn't have any biological children. She ended up marrying someone with a son who was without a mother, and she adopted the boy.It's fascinating to see - this boy needed her so desperately and had no one else. He would have been lost without her, as his dad ended up not being very stable (understatement). He is raised now, but they are extremely close. Every kid in the family flocks to her. Whenever anyone has problems, they show up at her door. She has literally saved so many young lives from disaster and provided so much love and nurturing and guidance. I don't know what the kids in my family would do without her. We have talked about it before, and she seems to think this was the reason she couldn't have kids- because all these other kids needed her, and she wouldn't have been able to be there for them had she had biological children. I am in no way saying this is representative of all infertility cases, just that it's one story that worked out well.

I don't think that illness or infertility are necessarily God's will. I mean, if we are going to look at it from a Christian standpoint, and I don't know how many of you are Christians, but even regarding my friend's view...when humankind took the fall, it opened us up to all sorts of misfortune and evil meddling...none of these things are God's will but just natural results of living in a fallen world. So, if infertility is one of those unfortunate results, just like disease, etc. it would seem to make sense that if we could overcome it, we would...and God's blessing would be upon this. The only qualm I have about it I have already mentioned, but that has been discussed in and out, so I will refrain.

It was very interesting talking to my Catholic friend when I was pregnant with my second, because she also said that carrying a baby I was going to give away was my cross to bear. She frequently told me that although I couldn't see the big picture at the time, even though I was making a painful choice, I would be rewarded in the future in ways I couldn't imagine. She was right on that one, but I don't think God is that black and white regarding surrogacy, etc. I think he/she works in many mysterious ways. I think God is far too complex not to be able to use surrogacy to bless people and enrich lives.

However, I agree with you that nurses, as well as the rest of the medical profession, work miracles all the time. Take cancer, for example - should people forego chemo and other treatments because it's "God's will?" I guess this is applicable to any treatable illness. They are not against chemo or medical treatment, though...so it seems a bit contradictory. I think that God gave us minds to better our lives, and medicine is one aspect of that. Okay, I'm done, sorry for the incessant rambling all the time