Solutions For Gas Passers, or Ahem, Irritable Bowel Syndrome When It Strikes At Work

[FranEMTnurse, CNA, LPN, EMT-I]

ESCAPEE Definition: A fart that slips out while peeing or forcing poop in a stall.

This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic or embarrassment.

This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police

car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.

Pretend it did not happen. If you are next to the farter, pretend that

you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for

all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee) Definition: When forcing poop,

several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side

effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not

panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so

to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the

nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked

away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air

time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you

avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door

after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very

uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As

with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not

exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER Definition: A colleague who poops at work

and is very proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet

Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine

under their arm. Always look around the office for the

Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN) Definition: A group of coworkers

who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without

incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN Definition: A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building

where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are

predominantly of the opposite sex reducing the odds

of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

PLOP BURGLAR Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the

stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most

shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a

dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the

PLOP BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid

all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into

the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to

cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS.

Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD

BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all

doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave

the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the

toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a

WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of

loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an

escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.

Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the

mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it

difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should

always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty.

This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk

in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,

leave and come back again. Be careful not to become

a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious

if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

FREQUENT FLYER Definition: Someone who keeps going in the bathroom to

check if it is empty. This always looks bad for that person.

Have you ever heard of the "DRAG BUNT?"- that is when you are walking by a bunch of people and farting the whole time, dragging it by the unknowing victims.

Solution? Just remember; everyone from ALL walks of life does it.

CHEERS!

Fran:nurse:

[VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN]

Hey Fran, since I've been on my diet, I haven't been NEARLY as windy as I was when I had that thread going.........do you suppose all the flippin' sugar I was eating was *fermenting* in there??

[FranEMTnurse, CNA, LPN, EMT-I]

Could be mj. How are you doing on your diet? I'm still gassing like fire. I fell last night and couldn't get myself back up. I got my foot lodged under my desk and couldn't free it. I did manage to get to my cordless phone and dial up my daughter's number. My son-in-law answered, and when I told him, "I've fallen and I can't get up," he chuckled, and asked me if I really did. By that time I was beginning to poop my pants.

Then my daughter picked up the camcorder and asked my son -in-law to repeat what I said. He did, and she recorded it.

Frantically hoping I would be able to free myself and get to the bathroom before my son-in-law arrived, I struggled until I did manage to get loose, and very out of breath, I made a very slow beline to the toilet.:imbar

I at least spared myself of the embarassment of my son-in-law helping me up with my panties full of poop.:imbar

How did you like the post? I thought it was rather funny.

Fran

[VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN]

I loved it! My sister brought home a longer version of it called the Survival Guide for Taking A Dump At Work.......hilarious!!

I'm doing well on the diet so far......not so great with the exercise yet, my asthma has been flaring up since I got bronchitis a few weeks ago. I've lost 13 pounds already, and I feel a lot better both physically and mentally.

Sorry to hear about your fall........although it WAS funny to think of that commercial with the wooden-faced actors playing elderly people in distress ("I've got......chest pains!!"). I'm glad you're OK, and that you didn't have another type of "accident".

[FranEMTnurse, CNA, LPN, EMT-I]

Me too, but oh my did it ever come close!:imbar It sounds like you're off to a wonderful start on your diet. Keep up the good work.

Fran:nurse:

[girlnurse83]

This is too funny! My family and I have a weird sense of humor and this is right up our alley. Thanks for the laughs :roll

[VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN]

Originally posted by girlnurse83

This is too funny! My family and I have a weird sense of humor and this is right up our alley. Thanks for the laughs :roll

You should check out the thread I started a couple of months ago called "Another Thread for Gas Passers". (I'd post a link, but I don't know how...... )

I don't care how old I get, I guess I'll never grow up enough to stop enjoying this most basic type of humor on which almost all of us are raised.:)

[jnette, ASN, EMT-I]

tsk, tsk, tsk...

[FutureArmyNurse]

This is absolutely hysterical! I got a headache from laughing so hard. Thank you so much!

[nowplayingEDRN]

Poor Franny!!! How udderly awful to have fallen and not be able to get up with an intestinal attack on the way! So glad that you were able to get to the potty with out an incident!

I have seen the How to Poop at Work Guide and it is just as funny now as it was the first time I read it!!! :roll :roll :roll

[FranEMTnurse, CNA, LPN, EMT-I]

More than happy to oblige y'all. And nowplayingEDRN, yeah, boy I tell ya, that sure was a close one. Phew!

Fran:nurse: