Rules for Cats

  1. I. DOORS
    Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season. Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.

    II. CHAIRS AND RUGS
    If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When urping on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare foot.

    III. BATHROOMS
    Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I) It is not necessary to do anything - just sit and stare.

    IV. HELPING
    If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping"; humans are known to refer to it as hampering". The following are the rules for "helping": a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lay across the book itself. c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lay on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you. d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim - to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

    V. WALKING
    As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to strike are: 1) On stairs, when they have something in their arms; 2) In the dark; and 3) When they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with improving their coordination skills.

    VI. BEDTIME
    Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you, book end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned.

    VII. COMPUTERS
    1: Only show interest in computers that are turned ON, the operator will need your help.
    2: Monitors are bad for human eyes. It might ruin your owner's sight and cause them to buy less cat food. Always get in between the monitor and the person operating the computer. For best results, stand as close to the monitor as possible. If you are removed, go and sulk in a corner for a minute, then repeat. Look as innocent as possible.
    3: Keyboards are great to lay down on. Make yourself as comfortable as possible. Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too. Practice aiming at alt-F4, N, and ctrl-alt-del.
    4: Always chase the mouse. Your owner can't blame you for this, since it's your feline instinct to chase mice.
    5: Floppy disk make great scratching posts. Nothing beats floppies when it's time to sharpen your nails.
    Last edit by betts on Mar 26, '03
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  2. 8 Comments

  3. by   Shamrock
    :chuckle This had to be modeled after my cat! :chuckle
  4. by   Little One2
    :roll :chuckle

    Those rules are great. I just spent a week babysitting three cats. They go everywhere. They always want to come into the washroom with me, climb on top of me and run everywhere.

    Lee
  5. by   azgirl
    I have four cats and they definitely follow the rule book. LOL
  6. by   fab4fan
    LOL...ever read "French for Cats"? Very funny stuff.
  7. by   katscan
    I love all cats-remarkably beautiful, independent, loving animals. My 2 cats know the rules!
  8. by   Sable's mom
    Has anyone emailed this to OBNURSEHEATHER? With her deep seated love for cats, I'm sure she needs to read this.
    BWAAA HAAA HAAA!
  9. by   suzy253
    How funny! I can certainly relate. We have 5 cats (yes 5!) and we always refer to their antics as "helping"., i.e. 'let me help'. I sent this on to some of my friends and family. I'm sure they will enjoy it too. Thanks for posting it.

    Cheers
  10. by   betts
    My husband has come to the conclusion that 'Cats' are little women in fur coats.

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