Orders you wish you could have written in the chart...

Ignore the BP and don't call me again unless she's coding. I just said "Alright, I'll just chart that verbatim." and hung up.

Wow, what a jerk! I did a callback where the pt. had an obvious spinal headache. The pt's wife had called the surgeon's office and didn't get a callback. The surgeon's office had called the anesthesiologist hours before but he hadn't called the pt. I let the surgeon know that the anesthesiologist still hadn't called the pt. and he had a little Dr. to Dr. chat.

To the pt's PIA daughter, please drink one tall glass of "shut the hell up" and don't call me unless there is a problem.

--1 baseball bat, topical application to cranium, until pt stops biting staff

--1 fentanyl suppository PRN for nurse with PIA patient

--300ml of Outback's "Walleby darned" PO q1h, until nurses' urge to jump off hospital subsides or is physically impossible d/t inebriation.

For the patient who chewed on his fingers: No Fingerfoods.

I'm another one who has written "No further calls to this MD unless patient is coding" as a TO. Said MD was not amused, but quit telling us that. Especially since my next call to him was along the lines of "You know how you had me write that order....well, she's dead now."

For a hard to sedate pt I had....ativan gtt 2-5mg/hr...doc then said..if that doesn't work use a louisville slugger....I thought it was funny....