NC nurse looking for encouragement

  1. I have been an R.N. in NC for 8 years. Last september I was caught diverting narcotics. Within a year prior to that I lost my mom to cancer and found out I was pregnant with my first child. Three months in to my pregnancy I miscarried (found out 2 months in to it I was pregnant with twins). I was placed on and off bedrest for 3 months. Six months in to my pregnancy my husband lost his job. I had a very difficult labor, almost lost him during birth, and started to suffer from PPD immediately after. Needless to say I went back to work at 3 & 1/2 weeks post partum.

    2 weeks after I returned I saw a nurse throw a vial of medication into the sharps box. I came up with the brilliant idea of shooting up after I pushed dilaudid on my patient who acted like his world was perfect after giving it to him. I started off with my addiction by taking a vial with meds and using an empty vial filled with water to waste off. The first time I shot up I was hooked. I would strip the sharps boxes of any and all narcotics...sometimes taking the boxes home with me and hiding them. I gradually progressed until I was using dilaudid, morphine, and demerol all in the same syringe. I don't want to go much further in to detail with my war stories...if u are in recovery you know we all know how to use.

    I lost my job, my license is in abeyance, I completed detox/rehab, and currently am in intensive outpatient program. I am in the alternative program in NC, call in to firstlab m-f, attending 12 step meetings, and working my 3rd step. I was denied reinstatement and am currently reapplying. My bills are so far behind it's ridiculous, I pay $76 for each drug test I take, and my house is in foreclosure. I work 2 jobs and it barely covers my expenses.

    I am learning the lesson in all this and continuing to "sit still" and allowing my life to play out. But lately I am getting discouraged about my future. The one thing I am sure of is I won't use - NO MATTER WHAT
    I just need wisdom....encouragement......hope....or strength. All are welcome!!
    Thank you
  2. Visit RNKellie51303 profile page

    About RNKellie51303

    Joined: Sep '12; Posts: 32; Likes: 52


  3. by   gottagetmyrn
    It takes courage to talk about your story and confess your wrong doings! I have never been in a situation such as yours, but I just want to congratulate you on your road to recovery!! U seem like you have your head on straight, and are taking the right steps to get your life back. I am not sure if you are religious, but if you can put your faith and prayers in God, he will open doors for you!!! Just keep your head up and continue to move in the right direction. Things will be hard for a while, but eventually there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. Don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Wishing you the best of luck!!! I truly hope things work out for you
  4. by   mona1023
    Congratulations on your recovery! I admire your courage, persistence and willingness to share your story.

    You shared that you are working 2 jobs, have children at home and are actively working a recovery program. Not to mention trying to get your license back. It is no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed.

    My advice is to cultivate a strong support system and a relationship with a Higher Power on a daily basis. Try to take pride in knowing you are clean and sober, working to care for your family and meet your financial obligations. Your self worth is NOT based on holding a nursing license or making payments on time. You are doing the best you can.

    I wish you the best.
  5. by   RNKellie51303
    Thank you very much to both of you. I really needed to hear that. My next dilemma is a positive drug screen for alcohol...haven't drank since 2009...keeps getting better!!! Now I'm almost sure I will be kicked out of the program..God help me through this!!
  6. by   will-b-an-RN
    I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST JESUS WHO STRENGTHENS ME! please remember through HIM nothing is impossible. Give it to God, pray for his guidance, you WILL get through this valley!
  7. by   RNKellie51303
    Quote from will-b-an-RN
    I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST JESUS WHO STRENGTHENS ME! please remember through HIM nothing is impossible. Give it to God, pray for his guidance, you WILL get through this valley!
    Thank you for your advice. Wise words!!
  8. by   will-b-an-RN
    You are very welcome
  9. by   jadelpn
    Thank you for sharing this story of courage. Have faith in your Higher Power, remember to breathe, and if you do not have a sponsor in your program, perhaps now is the time.

    I send you nothing but warm wishes and positive thoughts.
  10. by   RNKellie51303
    Drugscreen came back neg...woohoo I can breathe again!!
  11. by   jmo1231
    Dear RN Kellie, congrats on staying strong. Keep up the good work. We are all in this together. Stay strong stay sober it will all work out .It sounds like you are really working your recovery program and are motivated to stay the course.
  12. by   RNlosingitall
    Did u face legal charges? I have the BON and legal system troubles now. Im so lost and scared....