You are familiar with some of the stressful things I have been posting lately about being fired. I am starting to realize where I had read somewhere, that reacting to bad events can be triggered by using the same coping techniques you used as a child. Just recently I was looking for a new lawyer, searched everywhere in the court, in the internet, could not find out why I sanction ed to pay the defendent money "because I was not cooperative." Of course, my usual reaction is to cry so painfully like all is lost and I am doomed forever. Lately, I have come to see this as a reaction of habit. When I just learned of all the things that could happen to me, no lawyer, will take me, I will not be able to have my coffee businesss if I have to save myself because I am told that I will be unable to get a lawyer now, and the court has levied sanctions against me, because I am "not cooperative," I now have to act as my own attorney, where they will eat me up, and am told I will occur thousands of dollars in exepenses when I lose, of course I fell apart. But I am beginning to know who is the "criminal." Not me, the nurse trying to save her patients. And know this, even though I do cry very bitterly at this, I am starting to feel less fearful when the crying stops and I feel pretty good.
What I am trying to figure out, if it is PTSD, depression or what. These triggers always cause me to fall apart and cry until I think it will never stop. I was physical yand mentally abused and emotionally abandonded as a child and I recognize the roots and a lot of the events. I used to go to sleep at night and I don't know if I was dreaming this, but I would try to wake up and couldn't. I remember a lot of things but one thing I remember, and can't still figure out, I was about 4-5 years-old and I would do is go up to the top floor of a barn and take a couple of kittens and throw them out the top window, then I would go back and do the same thing. Obviously, something hurtful was going on in my life at a young age. I just cannot remember a lot things around then. That has to be trigger about something, and I wish so much I knew what it was.
Another thing, I was wondering about the word dissociation on what I saw on your list of books. My 2nd husband was a verbal abuser, all the time. The only thing I can remember he said during 8 years of marriage is, "you never contributed anything to this marriage."
Also, after that first humiliating firing, I was on disability for depression for a year and got another job which quickly turned out the same way, but I started getting feelings of panic and completely forgot I placed my signature on an order that another nurse got to clear her giving a med I never told her to. I denied, denied, denied, because I had completely no recall of signing that order. About a couple of months I had found the pen that I signed the orders with, and was absolutely shocked and remembered I signed the orders. I told my shrink It was probably a way of protecting my mind from something that was so scary. He just said, might of been.
I've accepted that I can't be a nurse anymore with these kind of mental problems, but I don't feel ashamed now. I have just divorced myself from nursing. I never, ever hurt a patient. But because I had to send one out 911 that her nurse never checked on her and the cna never did vitals, I was fired for reporting it to the DON and all the other care the patients were getting, who did not respond to me, and was fired after I called the State. Never mind I was trying to save the patient's life. Isn't that such irony.
Now I have to face the court from the lawsuit I filed with possible terrible repercussions that I was taught to take care of patients. But maybe this is a sign that I am healing, because I really am not afraid now. Anything can happen. They are the criminals, not me. It did me a lot of good to realize as one poster told me "It's not you, it's THEM." Trial is set for September. Who know what will happen then.
I know this post was long and hope maybe I've given wee bit of courage to the pain you have. But there is some some of you that do what I could never do, I could not work with abused kids that were hurt. I don't think I could ever be sane after that. And I bless you nurses that do that, I dont even want to think or visualize a hurt child. I really praise everyone of you. Nursing is probably the most hurting job there is.
Hoping you will find your own way of dealing. Earle 88 should put out her shingle.
Love you all!
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