My life.

Published Jun 18, 2008

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You are reading page 2 of My life. by ms. papa RN AGAIN

I became addicted to Lortabs while in nursing school. They "helped" me have the "energy and focus" to get my studies, clinicals and family life obligations done with what I saw as being "perfection." I remember I even thought they were GOOD for me and I compared them to vitamins. I had even advanced to the point of chewing up Oxycontin. They worked better and lasted longer. I thought everyone should take these miracle pills. Until the first day I didn't have any. Then everything became crystal clear. I was completely physically dependent on them and the withdrawl was horrible. It took me a few months of this pattern to admit the problem and seek help. I decided to go on methadone maintenance therapy so I could continue with school and the switch over was almost painless. However, I was still an addict, I just didn't have to seek drugs out. Just a daily clinic visit and one dose of methadone and all was ok. I graduated in 05/03 with a BSN and cum laude honors. I landed an awesome job in a Neuro ICU. I chose not to disclose my issues to my employer b/c I falsely believed I was in control. Only problem was that with my 7p-7a schedule I occasionally overslept and missed my dose and had even more severe withdrawls than when I was using my drug of choice. Because I was scared that I would divert meds from patients to make it through a shift I called in sick on the days I missed my methadone. I quickly bypassed the absent days allotted and was fired. At that point I realized that I couldn''t continue with the MMT and I went to my doctor to start weaning down off of the dose. The clinic I went to was very anti-getting off of it (it is a business after all) b/c they claimed the only way to stay clean was to stay on the methadone. I got another job but still didn't tell them about my problem. I really wanted to keep it to myself and I still thought it was personal. But it was really affecting me in ways I only recently came to understand. The proccess of getting "really clean" was slow but still created noticeable withdrawl symptoms, mainly shaky and irritable and a sort of death like appearance. So one of my coworkers said I was on drugs. SURPRISE!! I volunteered a UA. It was not the average employment style UA (these don't show methadone, b/c even though it is an opiod it is man made and must be specially tested for!) it was a tox screen in an ER. It showed up. I was fired and reported to the BON. I let my license lapse and got clean for real. Divorced my drug partner husband. Started working as a waitress after 6 months of recovery when my brain started functioning again. Fast forward 2.5 years to today. I have 3 years clean, got reinstated by th KBON joined KNAP and have been compliant with my program with them. I only have a year contract with them b/c I have been in remission so long but I still have the standard 6 month key restriction after I get a job. I have proven myself to myself and my family. Now I just have to prove myself to someone in an interview to get a chance to prove myself to them in a professional sense. I had 2 interviews today but the 1st one got postponed while the lady checks to make sure they can handle an KNAP nurse right now. Wish me luck on the 2nd. I am trying to not get discouraged. I haven't made it this far and learned all this about myself to get stalled out now. Its been a bumpy path but its mine and all things happen for a reason. Thank you for giving me a place to vent.

sissiesmama, ASN, RN

1,897 Posts

Specializes in ER, TRAUMA, MED-SURG.

Apr 19, 2009

Well, are congratulations in order for the new baby yet??! I am happy for you! It seems like things are going so well for you! Keep on doing the right thing! We are proud of you! You are proof we can succeed! You go girl!!!

Anne, RNC