Things you'd LOVE to be able to tell patients, and get away with it.

[AngelfireRN]

Hi, my name is AngelfireRN, I'll be your nurse tonight.

I am not a waitress, nor am I your slave.

Yelling and hurling obscenities at me will not get you your pain meds any sooner than they are ordered. Nor will having your family member or entourage do the same.

Threatening lawsuits and having umpteen family members camp out in the halls or hold up the nurse's station will not get you preferential treatment.

Physically grabbing me as I go down the hall is NOT a good idea.

I do not give the orders, but I do have to follow/enforce them. This is something that you should take up with your doctor.

No, I will not call him again to ask him for more pain medicine. He has been called twice and has said no both times.

No, I will not give you his number so you can "straighten him out".

No, you are not my only patient, and I highly doubt that you are single-handedly paying my salary. On the off chance that you are, let's talk about a raise.

NO, NO, NO, I most empahatically will NOT come get you when it is time for your next pain shot while you are having a smoke break. I also will not bring it to you in the smoking room. (Have actually said that, I am allergic to cigarettes. I did it once, had an asthma attack, desatted to 83, and turned blue, according to the patient and my charge nurse, after the patient had to help me back to the floor).

No, I don't really care if your family has not eaten all day, they drove here by themselves, they are not sick, and no, I will not call for 6 guest trays. (This of course, is if the patient in question does not need all 6 family members present, and is not at death's door).

No, you may not have 3 six-packs of soda from the kitchen, there are other people that would like a snack, too.

No, they will not open up the kitchen up just for you, at 1 in the morning, because you don't like the snacks we have on the floor.

I could think of hundreds, but those will do for a start. I know it sounds mean, but this is why I got out of bedside nursing. When a hospital becomes the Hilton, I'm gone!

Have fun!

[EarthChild1130]

More from outpatient psych...Don't get me wrong...I love my job and MOST of my patients...but those few frequent flyers with no Axis I diagnosis...

1. For god's sake, just tell me YOU SOLD THE ATIVAN...stop making up stupid excuses...as much Ativan as you claim your dog has eaten, he would be dead by now.

2. I'm not your 'baby' or 'sweetheart' and if you call me that one more time while I'm staring at your bare bottom about to give you your Haldol Decanoate, I will switch to the 2-inch needle...

3. There are people in this world, who visit my clinic every day, who actually NEED the services that I am glad to provide...coming in here saying 'If you don't call in 2mg of Xanax for me to take every 4 hours, I'm going to kill myself' is NOT going to work...if you feel like killing yourself, I will call an ambulance for you and have the hospital put you on a hold...they probably won't give you 2mg of Xanax every 4 hours either.

4. If your order says take ONE Rozerem nightly, just take one...although it doesn't matter if you take one or a hundred..you'll get the same effect with Rozerem...which is why you don't like Rozerem and want to be put back on Seroquel, right?

5. You get half as much money as I do every month, and you live in a VERY nice apartment...stop panhandling and telling people you're homeless so they'll give you money to buy meth with since you gambled your check away!

[AngelfireRN, MSN, RN, APRN]

OK, first let me say, before you flame me, I have no problem with obese people who have a medical condition that causes them to be that way. I knwo that they can not help it. And when I worked bedside, I did not say anything weight-related to their face. Now that I am about to graduate as an NP, I include it as part of my teaching. If done correctly, it can be benficial for both parties. OTOH, if the patient is so far in denial that nothing will penetrate that "Oh, go stuff it, you little pixie" attitude ( I'm 5'4 and weigh about 130, more than I want to, but, hey, genes are a mother sometimes), then there's not much you can do. Case in point:

My DH and I took my MIL and my 2 nieces out to eat this past weekend. Many of you may remember my previous post about said MIL, in the sense that she is a textbook bipolar who insists that she is fine, takes no meds, and makes the thought of a root canal sans anaesthesia preferable to any length of time in her company. I went to this dinner in the spirit of good daughter-in-lawhood, thinking" I can get through this". WRONG!!!!!

My MIL will go about 200 pounds. Not morbidly obese, I'll agree, but when you have to sit there and hear about her foot condition, her shoulder problem, her sinus ailment, and the fact that she's so "tired", it's enough to make you want to do the V8 forehead thump.

I sat there and watched this woman inhale 3 fried catfish in less time than it takes moat people to say "amen", finish off what my nieces did not eat (also fried catfish), and polish off some fries and hushpuppies to boot. Then, as we are finishing the meal, she pats her little lips with her napkin, looks at my DH, and says "I can only eat one fish anymore."

WTH?!?!?!?

All the time we've been married, my DH had said that his mom has a "thyroid condition". I have never believed it. You can not make me believe it. If she had hypothyroidism, she would be on meds, she's not. You ask what kind of condition,

"She had it cut out."

"Where's the scar?"

"That kind of surgery don't leave scars.":banghead:

"Why is she not on medication if she had it 'cut out'?"

"I dunno."

"Who's her endocrinologist?"

"What's that?"

:selfbonk:

And this is from a man who says he can do my job!

So, to what I would love to say to this woman, who thinks I will take her as a patient:

"You need help. You need meds. Lots of them. By the tubful. Like, ten years ago, even."

"You are not coming near my future children until you have had a complete psychiatric workup and are medicated. Call me what you want to, cry to my DH, it ain't gonna change my mind. My poor nieces always got hurt at your house when they were little, because you don't watch them. You're dangerous."

"If you think that I will take you as a patient when I am an NP, free of charge, simply because you're family by marriage, think again. You don't listen to anything I tell you now, take none of the advice I give you, and wonder why you don't feel better. If you don't listen to me now, why should an extra set of letters behind my name make any difference? Why should I set myself up for failure from the beginning? I can't even get a straight answer from you about your medical history, so how can I , in good conscience, treat you?"

I would post what exactly I did say to the "I can only eat one fish" comment, but I'd get flamed for sure. My point was that, all prejudice aside, in any manner of addiction, there are those who want help, and those who don't. I try and help those I can, and just pray that the others come 'round before it's too late.

[squeakykitty]

ruby vee said:

I think it depends upon how you define "nurse." anyone with a degree and a license is a nurse, whether or not they've ever actually worked in the field and even if the degree is 30 years old. I recently took care of a patient whose girlfriend supposedly knew everything because "she's a nurse." turns out she went to nursing school in the 80s, passed her boards and started a job. she couldn't hack it and was fired after less than six weeks. she's been running a restaurant since. but she's a nurse all right!

I would think that anyone who did go through school and pass the boards would have enough sense not to mess around with a chest tube, and certainly know where it hooks up. I learned that the first semester before clinicals.

[squeakykitty]

AngelfireRN said:

OK, first let me say, before you flame me, I have no problem with obese people who have a medical condition that causes them to be that way. I knwo that they can not help it. And when I worked bedside, I did not say anything weight-related to their face. Now that I am about to graduate as an NP, I include it as part of my teaching. If done correctly, it can be benficial for both parties. OTOH, if the patient is so far in denial that nothing will penetrate that "Oh, go stuff it, you little pixie" attitude ( I'm 5'4 and weigh about 130, more than I want to, but, hey, genes are a mother sometimes), then there's not much you can do. Case in point:

My DH and I took my MIL and my 2 nieces out to eat this past weekend. Many of you may remember my previous post about said MIL, in the sense that she is a textbook bipolar who insists that she is fine, takes no meds, and makes the thought of a root canal sans anaesthesia preferable to any length of time in her company. I went to this dinner in the spirit of good daughter-in-lawhood, thinking" I can get through this". WRONG!!!

My MIL will go about 200 pounds. Not morbidly obese, I'll agree, but when you have to sit there and hear about her foot condition, her shoulder problem, her sinus ailment, and the fact that she's so "tired", it's enough to make you want to do the V8 forehead thump.

I sat there and watched this woman inhale 3 fried catfish in less time than it takes moat people to say "amen", finish off what my nieces did not eat (also fried catfish), and polish off some fries and hushpuppies to boot. Then, as we are finishing the meal, she pats her little lips with her napkin, looks at my DH, and says "I can only eat one fish anymore."

WTH?!?!?!?

All the time we've been married, my DH had said that his mom has a "thyroid condition". I have never believed it. You can not make me believe it. If she had hypothyroidism, she would be on meds, she's not. You ask what kind of condition,

"She had it cut out."

"Where's the scar?"

"That kind of surgery don't leave scars.":banghead:

"Why is she not on medication if she had it 'cut out'?"

"I dunno."

"Who's her endocrinologist?"

"What's that?"

:selfbonk:

And this is from a man who says he can do my job!

So, to what I would love to say to this woman, who thinks I will take her as a patient:

"You need help. You need meds. Lots of them. By the tubful. Like, ten years ago, even."

"You are not coming near my future children until you have had a complete psychiatric workup and are medicated. Call me what you want to, cry to my DH, it ain't gonna change my mind. My poor nieces always got hurt at your house when they were little, because you don't watch them. You're dangerous."

"If you think that I will take you as a patient when I am an NP, free of charge, simply because you're family by marriage, think again. You don't listen to anything I tell you now, take none of the advice I give you, and wonder why you don't feel better. If you don't listen to me now, why should an extra set of letters behind my name make any difference? Why should I set myself up for failure from the beginning? I can't even get a straight answer from you about your medical history, so how can I , in good conscience, treat you?"

I would post what exactly I did say to the "I can only eat one fish" comment, but I'd get flamed for sure. My point was that, all prejudice aside, in any manner of addiction, there are those who want help, and those who don't. I try and help those I can, and just pray that the others come 'round before it's too late.

No flames here. I don't blame you for not wanting to deal with her.

[Otessa, BSN, RN]

NO, NO, NO, i most empahatically will NOT come get you when it is time for your next pain shot while you are having a smoke break. I also will not bring it to you in the smoking room. (Have actually said that, I am allergic to cigarettes. I did it once, had an asthma attack, desatted to 83, and turned blue, according to the patient and my charge nurse, after the patient had to help me back to the floor).

OMG!

Prior to smoking rooms and smoking on campus period went away we used to have to 'escort' our patients outside if they wanted to smoke. I hated this!!

Otessa

[HeyJude]

I'm a pretty crunchy kind of gal. I have a shirt that says "The Hippies Were Right", if that gives you any idea of the kind of things I believe.

So if you don't want the Vit K, Emycin, Hep B, or PKU for your baby, I will probably be ok with that. However, if in the next breath you ask me when he will be circumcised, I WILL wonder where your thinking cap is.

[mscsrjhm]

I would KILL (just an expression) to tell a patient;

"You and I both know that you are not allergic to Tylenol, Motrin, Aleve,or Aspirin---Everybody knows you want the narcotics, so JUST SAY IT!!!".

[gentlegiver, ASN, LPN, RN]

I work LTC, I would LOVE to tell family members "your MOM (Dad or Loved one) may have ALZ, but you really need to speak to Psych about yourself!" Or "Did you notice the other 39 residents in this unit??? They need me too!"

[athflvr]

An ER nurse brought me a patient one morning who was a sweet, wonderful, delightful woman. Old as Moses and still smoked, drank a little, lived alone, took care of her grandkids and herself. Really she was wonderful and most of her family was too. Of course it was one of THOSE families that all had to hang out with Mom/Grandma the whole time she was there. They had been with her in the ER too. When it was time for her to come to the floor not one of them thought to pick up her bag of belongings and bring it with them. So when THE daughter arrived on the floor she took me aside and immediately started fussing about her mother's clothes. Those were new shoes - only two weeks old - and they kept them in the ER. THAT NURSE kept them. I told her I would go down to the ER and look around when I got a minute but was sure we'd find them Not to worry. In the next half hour she cornered everyone who would answer the call light or walked down the hall to accuse THAT ER nurse of stealing her mother's shoes, pants, dainty underthings and shirt.

Now I know this nurse, he's young enough to be my son. Strictly interested in his health and fitness and is as nice and nice looking as he can be. I'm sure he really wanted this 90 year old woman's cigarette smelling clothes and those shoes- those crepe taupe shoes - that were only 2 weeks old. I brought the bag of clothes back to the floor, I went just to save my coworkers and the other visitors from her - I looked at the daughter with the most amazed look I could plaster on my face and said "Did you really think that nurse wanted your mother's clothes? REALLY?.....REALLY???"

Some people

[HangTen!]

In all seriousness, couldn't family nurse have action taken against their licenses for operating out of their scope ie giving a med in a hosp, not properly documenting etc etc and for the other issue of disconneting a chest tube. If this type of thing would occur, I'm sure we'd see less super nurse wanna be a dr type and ain't no body gonna tell me what to do's, keeping their paws to themselves ie their truly assigned patients.

[love_being_an_aide]

First, have to say how much I have LOVED reading this thread! And I can't resist adding my two cents. So here it is:

1. To the woman who asked if I was certified to change her attends, "No, I'm really not, i'm just an actor playing the part, and oh, btw, your on candid camera!"

2. To the man who told me (and this is seriously what he said) "Get my Ginger Ale now you fat a**," No problem sir. Would you like that with ice or orificenic?"

3. To the 18 year old boy who told me my purple scrubs made me look like the gay Teletubbie, " They do don't they. And oh, btw, do you want to get married? Or if we're moving to fast, maybe just spoon first"

4. To the Nursing Supervisor who wanted me to go outside at 3 in the morning to find the doctor who jogs past the hospital, and chase him down if necessary, "My fat a** isn't chasing down anyone, except the ice cream truck hun.

Ok, that's all. Hope you find it enjoyable!

[Sisukas]

To the custody patient who drove drunk with a BS higher than 300 and didn't want that cuff on his leg..."I'm sure your friend who's taking the dirt nap right now wouldn't be complaining about a cuff on his leg".

Okay, I did say it. What I wanted to say was.."you whiny little ...."