Visitation Question

[BSNtobe2009]

I just had a friend to give birth to a preemie about a week ago. She's not a terribly close friend, but we used to work together, and she called me because I went through the same thing with my own child 2 years ago. She had PIH like I did. Her baby was born at 3 lbs 2 oz, but I think has slipped below 3 lbs due to the normal weight loss. The baby is struggling a bit and still on a vent, but making progress, just slower. Baby was a 28 weeker, E C-Sec. She is spending a ton of time at the hospital and said she'll be holding her breath until the baby is off the vent.

The situation: Her and the father are not married. They are both professionals. However, he bailed on her as soon as he found out she was pregnant, she was 5 months before she told him. He wouldn't even come to the hospital for the birth. Baby is listed I think either in serious or critical condition.

The problem: He has been visiting the baby every day starting two days after it was born. She has no issues with this. They don't speak when he comes and brings his mother sometimes. However, my friend showed up the other day and her ex brought some girlfriend he just started seeing a couple of months ago, and my friend went ballistic in the hospital over it. Because she was so upset, they asked her ex and his gf to leave, but the nurse told her they came back later after she left.

Now, it's not what you think, she doesn't have a problem with him seeing someone, she just feels that after all, her baby is in the NICU, and is in very serious condition, and doesn't want her baby used as an object for curiosity seekers and doesn't want anyone to hold the baby but family.

The NICU told her that as long as he is on the birth certificate (which he did sign, suprisingly), he could bring anyone he wants, regardless of whether or not she objected to it.

What is your hospital's policy on really messed up family situations like this?

[txspadequeenRN, BSN, RN]

Yeah, Ive been watching her countdown and getting jealous...lololololol

OMG Gompers you are getting so close to your big day!!!!

I hope you are feeling good.

[Gompers, BSN, RN]

Yeah, Ive been watching her countdown and getting jealous...lololololol

:rotfl:

It's been going so fast. I can vividly remember when I started the counter - it was well over 100 days. Now it's under 50. Being a NICU nurse, I'm much much much more relaxed now that I'm a hair short of 33 weeks. It's getting to the point now where I'm getting uncomfortable because I'm really short and the baby is big - I stick straight out. It's hard to even find maternity shirts that still fit me!!!

Hope all is going well with you!

[walkingrock, ADN]

Yes, I also thought Miranda's post was right on the mark. Also, I wouldn't say that it was a particularly "messed up" family situation, I've frequently seen much more "messed up" than that. She should welcome his imvolvement and encourage him to get as hands on involved as possible...he might not want to get in there and change those diapers, etc...Also, if the gf is not a permanent part of his future, she will probably tire of visiting after the novelty wares off and encourage him not to visit; or she'll get fed up with his lack of involvement or responsibility if that aspect reveals itself with time. If the two are very involved with each other, and it becomes long-term, then she better see what she is getting into; 'cuz 10:1 she'll be taking care of that child when it visits him...

[SteveNNP, MSN, NP]

Here's how it would have gone down in my unit:

Mom gets a blue/pink bracelet, and either dad or "birth partner" get the other one....either way, it's mom who decides. Once the kid ends up in our unit, mom is informed (with multiple attempts at reinforcement) that she can choose up to 4 visitors to get green bracelets. No more than 4, and they can't be exchanged, period...no ifs ands or buts. SHE gets to choose who gets them. She also decides who can visit without her being there. If she decides she wants to be there with all visitors, we stick a note next to our door buzzer, and no one gets in to see that baby except with her. The names of the 4 green bracelet visitors are written along with the baby's name on the bracelet, which is checked before the person enters. This sounds harsh, but keeps the number of bodies in the NICU down, and keeps 16 y/o mom's 42 teenybopper friends out. Last year we ended up only letting mom & dad in during RSV season, partially due to an incredibly high census and acuity, coupled with strained staffing. No plans for that this year, though.

[BSNtobe2009]

Here's how it would have gone down in my unit:

Mom gets a blue/pink bracelet, and either dad or "birth partner" get the other one....either way, it's mom who decides. Once the kid ends up in our unit, mom is informed (with multiple attempts at reinforcement) that she can choose up to 4 visitors to get green bracelets. No more than 4, and they can't be exchanged, period...no ifs ands or buts. SHE gets to choose who gets them. She also decides who can visit without her being there. If she decides she wants to be there with all visitors, we stick a note next to our door buzzer, and no one gets in to see that baby except with her. The names of the 4 green bracelet visitors are written along with the baby's name on the bracelet, which is checked before the person enters. This sounds harsh, but keeps the number of bodies in the NICU down, and keeps 16 y/o mom's 42 teenybopper friends out. Last year we ended up only letting mom & dad in during RSV season, partially due to an incredibly high census and acuity, coupled with strained staffing. No plans for that this year, though.

That sounds like a really good plan. She is hoping to be able to take the baby home early next month, but we'll have to wait and see.

Things are just getting worse with her and her ex. I don't know why he wants to cram this other female down her throat, she just wants to focus on her baby and what involvement he is going to have, child support when the baby is brought home, that kind of thing...but every time they have a conversation he says, "Well, Susie thinks I should do ____". They aren't engaged, living together, nothing. She just wants these decisions to be what is best for the baby and them...not some female that may not even be around in a couple of months. It's just so sad.

Thanks again.

[EmerNurse, BSN, RN]

I think Miranda hit the nail on the head. If you can't get rid of the FOB's gf, mom needs to use them to her advantage. I'd even go so far as to call "hey can you go sit with baby this Friday at 8pm? She's so fragile and I'd really feel better having a parent sitting with her and since I do it all the time and you're the father, surely you'd want to do that while I take a break? Oh you were gonna go see a movie? Well I'm sorry but your daughter really needs to come first. I know you're very concerned about her, since you've been visiting and I know Susie would understand, after all she's taken the time to visit, so thanks! I'll call you Saturday morning to see how she's doing!".

Not that'd it stop ME from being there, or calling the unit for updates or whatever, but seems to me that FOB shouldn't just be daddy when it's convenient. He needs to see that there's responsibility involved ALL the time, not just when he's got a few free minutes with Susie.

I agree with others - if he's truly wanting to be involved, he will be. If he's not wanting it - he'll cut and run when he sees just how much responsibility and care this child will need. Even if he cuts and runs, I DO hope he's meeting his FINANCIAL obligation to this child. She'll need much in her life and he has a responsibility to help provide it.

[BSNtobe2009]

No, right now he isn't paying anything, and he says he'll be giving her money, but so far he won't discuss it with her. He has a home and a pretty high up job with the bank, so he doesn't seem like the type that will bolt, but you never know.