Rutgers ABSN Essay Critique

[cd0286407]

Long time lurker, first time poster. I'm applying for the Rutgers Camden ABSN in January for the Fall 2015 Semester. I've hit a wall on my short answer question. I know it's far from done but I can't seem to make any good changes. Could you all please tell me how I can improve it? Thanks.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Please use the space below to tell ushow you believe a Rutgers education will help you achieve yourpersonal enrichment or career goals. (3800 characters)

The plane was quickly filling up as Isettled into my window seat. I was flying out of Ho Chi Minh Airporton the way back to Philadelphia. My mind replayed the last two weeksof my trip through south and central Vietnam as the plane cut slowlythrough the thick humid air. While filled with natural beauty andkindhearted people, it is overrun with poverty, hunger, failinginfrastructure, and sanitation issues. My background in sociologyraised many questions about the experiences I had during my stay. How will rising westernization affect those left behind? Arehygienic health practices lacking through education, economics, orboth? How do the poor care for the terminally ill?

These issues stand in stark relief tothe home I was flying back to, which is bolstered with advancedsupport, education, and technology. I have always felt a sense ofresponsibility when faced with the suffering of others, and afterwitnessing the reality of most of the Vietnamese population, thatresponsibility deepened. I've been compelled to directly help thosein need but lack the skill set to put those feelings into action. Through volunteering and working in hospital settings, I've come toknow how a small action can impact a patient and improve theiroutlook. This made me want to learn how I could make even more of adifference, and become more responsible for patients' lives andwell-being. Nursing is the best method through which I can offerthose suffering some form of aid, whether it be through clinicaltreatment, imparting information, or sincere care - but whilecaring for others is a major part of nursing, I don't believe it isenough.

Earning my BSN at Rutgers will enableme to develop those skills beyond caring which are needed to become agreat nurse. Medical science and technology is constantly evolving,and a good nurse must understand and apply it to improve individualand community health; Rutgers is affiliated with great clinicalsites, and through practical and class work I will sharpen mycritical thinking and embrace new technologies. Nursing alsorequires a strong code of ethics founded on responsibility forothers; tackling complex patient issues, both theoretical andapplied, will refine my moral compass. In order to deepen theimpact of nursing, it is necessary to become involved in professionalnursing associations; accessing Rutgers' nursing network will help memake meaningful contacts within professional organizations, such asthe National Student Nurses Association.

My time spent at Rutgers earning myB.A. in Sociology has affirmed my convictions regarding the highcaliber of education being offered. In addition to a greateducation, Rutgers will afford me the opportunity to learn about andaid people in developing countries through the Study Abroad Program. I am especially interested visiting South Africa and seeingfirst-hand how their healthcare system handles HIV. Upon graduationand licensing, I hope to work in an acute hospital setting in acommunity with inadequate access to healthcare. I have beenfortunate enough to visit a few developing countries, and while theystand in stark relief to our own, the result is the same: an urgencyto fulfill my human responsibility to give accountable assistance. Iknow that with education and training I can make a difference in thelives of those in my care both at home and abroad. I realize theABSN program is extremely rigorous and in addition to the desire, Iwill have the familial and financial support to succeed. Pursuing myABSN at Rutgers is the best way for me to make a difference in thelives of those who need it most.

[VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN]

Hello, and Welcome to Allnurses!

First of all, your essay begins with an attention-getting first paragraph. I was intrigued from the beginning and I was curious to see the rest of what you had to say.

I noticed a sizable number of words running together and wondered if you'd copied and pasted it. I'm sure this is a rough draft, but you'll want to make sure you don't have any of those in your finished product.

I did find some repetition (you discussed what you feel nursing is about in two separate paragraphs) and in my opinion the essay is too long. You need to be concise---say it once, say it well, and move on to the next thing. The people you're writing for have many of these to read, and their attention span is short. Make sure each sentence will have an impact on the reader.

Also, you may want to have a professional read and critique your essay. They have no vested interest in your work like a family member or friend would, and are probably the best choice for an unbiased opinion.

Hopefully other members will come along to assist you with editing your work. As a "semi"-professional writer, I've had to learn the hard way how to use language to paint pictures without overwhelming the reader with lots of big words and too many metaphors. Sometimes I still do it. It's a craft, and one of the things all writers MUST do is to be merciless in their proofreading and editing.

Wishing you the very best of luck in your endeavors. Please keep us posted!

[cd0286407]

Hi VivaLasViejas,

Thanks for your feedback - I did copy and paste a lot to try to organize my ideas better. I didn't notice the words running together. I will try to edit those, and cut the length down.

[VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN]

I'd like to see it when you've done some pruning. Like I said, your opening paragraph was great, now all you need to do is keep it up through the entire essay. :)

[cd0286407]

When you say my words run together, do you mean run-on sentences or repetition?

[VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN]

Your text has many words that run together, e.g. "Ihave to write anessay". Probably a result of copying-and-pasting. There is a LOT of that in your original post. I didn't see a lot of run-on sentences; you just need to tighten up your writing (meaning cut out all unnecessary words and phrases). Read your essay---out loud---to yourself. This helps you to know where you've repeated something or whether you're saying too much. Revise, then put it away for a little while and avoid the temptation to tinker with it until you've had a good 24-48 hours to "sleep on it". Read it out loud again and edit as needed.

[Here.I.Stand, BSN, RN]

I think this is what she was referring to--

sociologyraised greateducation professionalnursing failinginfrastructure

VivaLasViejas' critique was pretty spot-on, IMO. I too loved the way the first paragraph grabs your attention!

[cd0286407]

Oh! Sorry about that, I copied and pasted this from Word. Maybe it was messed up when it got posted because it's all formatted properly in Word.

Thanks for the feedback, I'm going to try and cut out everything that isn't essential to what I'm trying to convey!

[cd0286407]

REVISED DRAFT 12/16:

The plane was quickly filling up as I settled into my window seat. I was flying out of Ho Chi Minh Airport on the way back to Philadelphia. My mind replayed the last two weeks of my trip through south and central Vietnam as the plane cut slowly through the thick humid air. Though filled with natural beauty and kindhearted people, issues such as poverty, hunger, failing infrastructure, and sanitation plague the landscape. My background in sociology raised many questions about the experiences I had during my stay. How will rising westernization affect those left behind? Are hygienic health practices lacking through education, economics, or both? How do the poor care for the terminally ill?

These issues stand in stark relief to the advanced support, education, and technology back home. I have always felt a sense of responsibility when faced with the suffering of others, and after witnessing the reality of most of the Vietnamese population, my conviction deepened. I am compelled to directly help those in need but lack the skill set to put intentions into action. Through volunteering and working in hospital settings, I've come to know how a small action can impact a patient and improve his or her outlook. This beckoned me to learn about how I could do more for patients and their well-being. Nursing is the best method through which I can offer those suffering some form of aid, whether through clinical treatment, imparting information, or sincere care. However, while caring for others is a major part of nursing, I don't believe it is enough.

Earning my BSN at Rutgers will enable me to develop skills beyond caring which are needed to become a great nurse. Medical science and technologies are constantly evolving, and a good nurse must understand and apply them to improve individual and community health; Rutgers is affiliated with great clinical sites, and through practical and class work I will sharpen my critical thinking and embrace new technologies. Nursing also requires a strong code of ethics founded on responsibility for others; tackling complex patient issues, both theoretical and applied, will refine my moral compass. In order to deepen the impact of nursing, it is necessary to become involved in professional nursing associations. Therefore, accessing Rutgers' nursing network will help me make meaningful contacts within professional organizations, such as the National Student Nurses Association. Using the skills gained in our country to help those that are developing will strengthen common bonds while broadening nursing horizons; Rutgers' Study Abroad Program will give me the opportunity to work with and learn from medical practitioners from different cultural backgrounds. I am especially interested in Brazil and their universal healthcare system.

My time spent at Rutgers earning my B.A. in Sociology gives me confidence that I will be receiving the best in nursing education.In addition to a great education, Rutgers will afford me the opportunity to learn about and aid people in developing countries through the Study Abroad Program. I am especially interested in visiting South Africa and seeing first-hand how their healthcare system handles HIV. Buoyed by familial support and moral agency, I am ready to take on the rigors of the ABSN program. Upon graduation and licensing, I hope to work in an acute hospital setting in a community with inadequate access to healthcare. I have been fortunate enough to visit a few developing countries, and I have always been brimming with an urgency to fulfill my human responsibility to assist. With education and training I can make a difference in the lives of those in my care both at home and abroad. Pursuing my ABSN at Rutgers is the most efficient path for me to travel to create a difference in the lives of those who need help the most.