sueall 5,697 Views
Joined: Aug 12, '12;
Posts: 156 (43% Liked)
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As I was reaching for a young male patient's hand to put the pulse oximetry on his finger I said, "Do you mind if I borrow one of your fingers?" The patient responded, "I never had a woman ask me that before."
While working at a women's health clinic an older patient needed help keeping her legs open while the doctor performed a biopsy on the labia. There were 3 or 4 of us helping position her and she looked up and said, "it feels like prom night!".
I had a teenage boy as a patient for years with lots of urologic issues. He was complaining of a lot of dysuria and I needed to watch him void to assess his stream. Since he was a minor, Mom had to be in the bathroom with me while I watched him go. He was a good sport about it. As he was standing there trying to relax so he could void, his mother was pestering him about how he was standing, pulling his pants/underwear down etc (why I do not know since this was embarrassing enough as it was for him). He looks over at his Mom and without missing a beat and completely deadpanned says, "Mom, this is not my first rodeo, I DO know how to pee!!!". We could not stop laughing!! Bless his heart!
Sweet little couple both mid 90s, both sharp as tacks. Wife recovering from hip fx. I was helping her off the bedpan and pulling up her undies and pj pants. Husband pipes up, "I would have helped her, but I'm much better at taking them off...I've had more practice!" Wife couldn't stop giggling...
Edited to add: They had 9 children
I had an African American man come in to the jail and he was already angry. I asked if he had any allergies to food or medication and he yelled, "Yeah, I'm allergic to racist white ******* like you!" I then calmly asked if that counts as a food or a medication. That actually made him laugh and we were fine after that.
A wonderful but sad former patient of mine, with multiple personalities, was sitting in her wheelchair next to my med cart as I was scurrying back and forth passing meds in the evening. I come back once to grab more and she looks at me and says "I wish I'd never married you". I was crushed, I tell you...
And elderly, confused man in the ICU with oxygenation issues kept pulling off his pulse oximeter. He'd leave it on the bed, drop it on the floor, or attempt to give it away to anyone who approached the bed. It was a long, slow night shift and we were all getting weary of the oximeter alarm going off. We had gone through several of the cheap, disposable oximeters that attached with adhesive, so we finally pulled out the clothespin kind. He got it off a little more easily, but we got it back on a little more easily, too.
I was rounding about 1 AM, and I could hear a panicked voice calling for help. Mr. LowOx's O2 sat alarm was merrily blasting away at the same time. As I approached his room, I heard "Help! Help! A snake's got my dick and you'll have to cut it off!" Mr. LowOx had removed the clothespin-type oximeter from his finger and attached it to his penis. The sat was reading about 50%, and for those of you who are interested, the waveform sucked.
I work in the OR. One day anesthesia was putting a four-year-old child under, and he became combative and starting kicking and screaming. As I was holding him down, he stared deep into my soul and screamed "YOU ARE NOT INVITED TO MY BIRTHDAY PARTY!". Well that's wonderful, Timmy, because you're not invited to mine either.
This patient kept trying to get out of bed forgetting the fact that he had no legs. So he spent a lot of time in a heap on the floor. One time he just reached up and got his pillow and blanket and just got comfy for a nap in the floor. I came in and said, "Oh, no Mr. M, you fell again! This is the second time today!" He said, "I did not fall. It was a controlled landing."
a totally lucid person said after hearing they would be admitted for a few days, "disconnect me from my IV, I'm gonna run to walmart and get some things, I'll be back."
Once while doing a rectal temp on a gentleman who couldn't tolerate oral, the probe had slipped off its' base and moved further into the rectum than I felt was safe. While I gently tried to remove it, the patient had a muscle spasm and I was worried that the probe would slip too far, so I had to reach a bit further as it was slippery from the lubricant and hard to grasp. "Honey," he asked jovially, "Are you minin' for diamonds?"
I had a pleasantly confused fellow in my LTC who was occasionally incontinent of stool. One night when the CNA and I were cleaning him up, he asked us what we were "doing back there". I told him he'd had a bowel movement and we needed to wash him and change his briefs. Whereupon he replied, "Well hell, that sure ain't gonna make me any friends!"
I was getting a patient to the shower chair to assist with bathing and he said, "please don't judge Richard by the size he is right now, I'm a grower, not a shower. It may look like a turtle head right now, but he's just being shy".
Richard, of course, was his penis.
We had a 90 something year old lady in ICU with a serious head injury. She was totally unresponsive but you still have to do the neuro checks q4 anyway. One morning I asked her, "Mrs. Smith, do you know what today is?" She opened her eyes for the first time in about 2 weeks and says, "Well, I hope it's not my d***n birthday again!" I didn't know little old ladies talked like that!! It was actually the Fourth of July.
Wait!!! You reported them? Somehow I missed that. Oh geez I hope your clinical instructor had the good sense not to take it any further.
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