malamud69 7,503 Views
Joined May 10, '12.
Posts: 473 (60% Liked)
2-10. Lack of knowledge in how to do anything else.
First and foremost, I love having a marketable skill and being paid for it.
Nursing is amusing. Some days it's a veritable freak show. The people you meet are so varied! People can really open up to their nurses, it's almost like being a priest in the confessional.
I love the process of building trust with the patients. Then, the peek into their worlds is fascinating.
I have no idea what to expect, and honestly I am scared.
Remember that these people are not your friends and DO NOT have your best interest in mind. There is nothing rehabilitative about this stuff. You will quickly find that it is about nothing except money (yours going to it) and punishment. They don't care about your recovery or your ability to earn a living.
You will probably be sent for some kind of overpriced "evaluation." Just a piece of advice: do not under any circumstances go to a place that has financial interest in any kind of treatment facility." You will be be diagnosed as needing whatever services that facility conveniently offers.
We, here all have a myriad of issues, some addiction related, some mental health, some just a penchant for bad judgement, some all of the above. No one will judge you. I think we all spend enough time flogging ourselves for landing here that we don't have a lot of time to be judgmental of others.
You will do fine.....Others have made it through, quite probably more in spite of these programs than because of them, and you will too.
For me health changes every day. It depends on what is taking the biggest priority- sometimes a good nights sleep is a win for good health for me.
Regarding physic as a marker for health- just don't...eating disorders are a sticky wicket and a way of exercising control when we feel powerless. Not being happy with yourself is a huge red flag. I would point my attention there. What are you doing for your emotional health?
I had to stop looking at weight as a proof of health and accept that as long as my body is capable (I love hiking, running, rock climbing) then I am healthy. But even in those pursuits I can make myself miserable. Suddenly three hikes a week isn't enough, a 3 mile run isn't enough, getting on the treadmill four times a week becomes seven ...
With playing music- practicing once a day got an hour becomes a five hour marathon until my fingers can not move anymore.
Healthy is having balance, being and feeling capable, and not trying to win some crazy battle against ourselves. If you are competing against yourself that's a bad sign.
My balance is physical activity that uplifts me and doesn't make me feel less than, recognizing that I can play for an hour and stop because I am learning and don't have to get it *right now*, eating until I am full , listening to my mind and body when it says "stop it, I am getting tired". Letting myself feel sad sometimes, and angry and knowing that each emotion is true, but not permanent.
When I start feeling unhappy with myself something is out of balance.
What does your balance look like?
There is no kind of financial assistance because nobody cares that you are a thin thread away from being homeless. These programs are about $$$$$$$ and power. It seems to a problem that is endemic to all of these programs. They are setup so that you puke up a lot of money and then either go broke or give up in frustration and walk away.
They may claim otherwise, but someone, somewhere is making a killing off of us. Whether it is ownership in Affinity or another one of those setups or financial interest in some treatment facility that gleans most of their business from IPN/PRN referrals, or people that work for these things that have to justify the existence of their job, or even individuals with a wide sadistic streak (I got screwed by this so I'm gonna pass it on.)
I suspect that very few people enter the world of these programs without having some kind of addiction/mental health issues in their background, whether family or selves. It perplexes me that such people would have zero compassion for others in the same situation.
Addiction/mental health is a disease unless you are a healthcare worker. In which case it is a moral failing and you should be mercilessly punished. Makes a lot of sense, right? Not!
I have come to the conclusion that all this is another example of the poison and greed that has infiltrated the American healthcare system. Few really give two shakes about anyone else unless there is some advantage to themselves to be had. Sad.
In that inappropriate joke of a rehab that i got forced into (manipulation anyone?) some girl said "you've had weight loss surgery, you must be a food addict." Wut!? That's quite the leap of logic.
I reckon it's just an example of the 12 step thing gone awry. As in without knowing ANYTHING about a person, assumptions are made that everyone is addicted to something and that a social activity with a religious bent will fix everything. um...nope.
My opinion, for what it's worth is that people find like company in all sorts of things....church, sports teams, AA...what have you. Even subtracting the prayer aspect, I rather think that forcing me to attend a 12 step function is akin to forcing me to be on a football team. I don't play the game, i don't understand the game and I hate the loud, crowded noisy atmosphere. I'm bored and would rather be doing almost anything else. So extending this logic, a condition for my state issued license is to engage in a useless activity that i don't understand and don't want to.
Oh- thats a terrible place to be. When I was first caught I would binge watch TV shows and stumble from my sofa outside to smoke, and back again. Your mind is in shock- for me the opiates had also hurt my ability to think/process- give it time. Some things that helped me:
-Make yourself go for a walk
-Eat (I gained 15 lbs my first year clean, my body was deficient in nutrients), try to keep it healthy- but don't worry about it too much
-I got a small dog, he was/is my recovery buddy
As time progresses you will feel like doing more, as you get some months clean you will notice that you are functioning better- a feeling of disbelief as I was putting on a pretty good show while using. Fast forward 5 years and my program is complete, and I am a different (dare I say better person for my experiences).
As far as the employment thing- try to get unemployment- I was lucky that my hospital didn't fire me per policy- and unluckily I didn't have enough worked hours for short term disability- so I was terminated after the FMLA time was up. They couldn't say why because addiction is a medical issue.
Remember- many people have been down this road and come out the other side of the process feeling more complete. A big part of that was learning to like myself.
What would you say to a friend going through this? Now give yourself that same compassion, talk to yourself like you would your dearest friend. You really do deserve to be treated with love and respect.
It's part of the contract. The one that I feel i was coerced into signing. Y'know, the one where you are scared out of your mind and the full implications of what you are committing to are not even remotely discussed.
I'm not saying a contract was or was not necessary. Some stips in it are actually not unreasonable given my situation. It, however is the standard boilerplate document that seems to be given to everyone. I am treated like I have addiction issues even though it could not be further from the truth.
While i may have private thoughts about the ___ Anonymous thing, I do respect those who find a home there. For me it is forced socialization with people I have nothing in common with. As someone previously wrote, forcing attendance is removing the choice.
I personally do not like the idea of being mandated to something with religious overtones to keep my state issued license. i just think there is something very wrong with it. It does not even have anything to do my own religious convictions. This business of "well your higher power can be a doorknob" is utterly ridiculous.
I go because i have to go. I have nothing useful to contribute. My personal opinion of the whole 12 step methodology notwithstanding, I find my being there by force to be insulting to the people for whom that is a lifeline. All i do is warm a chair, in the back or corner, admittedly read a book and scoot out as soon as I can without being obviously rude.
Yeah granted we can do anything that constitutes a support group, but there is nothing in my area that has the subject matter for my issue.
i feel like the mandate of 12 step meetings as a contract stipulation forces a methodology onto someone for whom it may not even remotely be relevant, merely because, like much of these programs, it's easier to dump a person into a generic set of stipulations. That way there's no need to spend the time (or $$$) to consider what might do the person the most good.
I agree pretty much with what bsnbedone wrote.
Also, you ask if there will ever come a point where you get everything done. Well, not really. You get faster and more efficient as you gain experience, but youre still only one person. Instead, you mainly get better at prioritizing correctly and confidently, and at recognizing those emergency situations where you need to call for reinforcements to get the critical tasks completed. When you prioitize correctly, sometimes some things won't get done, and that's fine.
If you can, try to think of these shifts as layering on experieence. Truthfully, if they were all smooth this early on in your nursing career, you would be stuck in your growth. It's jus tnot remotely realistic for you to not feel completely over faced. Every nurse you admire has had to grapple through tremendous challenge. Every shift you make it through, you are adding to your skill set and building wisdom.
Everyone has those shifts. Everyone needs help sometimes. And if the oncoming nurse complains chances are she's one that is always going to complain even if you do everything.
one thing i've learned after working as a grad for almost 9months is that...if someone is deliberately giving you a hard time or trying to embarrass you, **** them.
Sad thing is with the rampant corruption in these programs, you know darn well that the "approved" people doing the evaluations would not recommend anything but the most serious grievous "treatment" and corresponding, never ending contract. Until we are allowed to choose our own person to do an accurate, meaningful eval, nothing will change.
On the upside, this is the first time I have seen any inkling that any BON/state/peer, what have you has even come close to admitting that these programs are entirely too punitive to the point of being abusive, along with admitting the complete lack of oversight.
Vino raises a good question, why is there no group that can push for change. I think it is because these bullies have so many of us, so cowed, regardless of what our issues are or what we might have done. We are all worn down and afraid of doing anything that might invite further scrutiny, ergo more abuse. I think we, myself included just want to get back to work and get on with our lives.
I don't have a problem with consequences for a stupid move (or 2, or 10) but generic flat "sentences" and the attached never ending punishment for all comers is just plain wrong. Make the punishment fit the crime. If your aim is to "advocate for the impaired nurse" then either do so or stop claiming that!
I've come to the conclusion that "individualized contracts" for these programs simply means "we enforce what we want, when we want and however we want.
I don't know what the fix is. Whatever it may be will not come in time to be of any help to me, However, it is a start.
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