Grieving

[bdbrdb]

My best friend passed away on March 21, 2014 at 0630. I've been lost since then. I have been trying to keep it together for my kids but I'm not sure if I can do so for much longer. I feel guilt because I moved out of state and did not return to visit in three years. I talked or texted with him daily. He would spend over an hour talking to my three year old on the phone. She misses him but only knows that she can't talk to Jonathan because he's sick. For a week before he passed he told me he was scared asked for prayer. I told him that I would pray for him and that it would be okay. I did ask his friends for prayer and I went online and requested prayer from two different sites. My best friend was dying and I just thought he would be okay. I had no idea.

He has been a diabetic since he was 17. Three years ago he had his foot amputated and recently had tore his chest wall muscle. He was lonely and broken and I wasn't there. I tried bringing him with me. I tried tough love. I baby him. I tried to bribe him. Hoping that he would start taking better care if himself. That he would take his meds eat better get out of the house. But all he would say was I know buddy, I'll be okay. The day he texted to tell me he was headed to the ER because he thought he pulled something and was in sever pain, I begged him to listen to the dr and to the nurses and let them him help. And of course he said I will buddy. For the entire week I tried calling him tried texting him no response. U went in his fb asked his friends if anyone knew his moms number. Told them I was worried. The day someone messaged me her number he texted me. Said he had been on meds, sleeping mostly still in pain.

I wish I would have dialed his moms number, but I was so glad that he had replied. And texted me I am alive. After work I called him and spoke worth him shortly. He sounded so tired and I figured it was the pain meds he was on. He said thank you for the pics I had texted him of my babies. Said I love you guys. I told him I would let him go and get some rest and to call me as soon as he felt better. He said ok buddy. And that was it. That was the last conversation I had with my best friend of fourteen years. I don't have closer. Wish I would have stayed on the phone with him longer. I miss the hours of conversations we would have. That week my DH was going up to check in on him and to visit his brother, I had planned on going with him and taking the girls so that they could visit with him. But at the last minute I didn't go thinking that him being sick if he sees us and when we have to come home he'll be upset and he'll feel worse. And with me having to work we would have only been there one day to visit and the other for driving. I had promised him we would visit and I did plan on visiting this coming July.

The day before he passed I didn't call him, I wanted him to rest and start feeling better. The day he passed u was awake with my baby nursing her and I looked at the clock and thought of him. I wanted to call him but figured being 0600 he would be asleep. So I waited and went in with my day. DH arrived and had texted me said no one is answering his door. So I called him and he answered and I was so glad that he had picked up the phone immediately so I figured hey he's feeling better. The pastors wife answered the phone and I asked hey is Jonathan awake?! I feel so stupid now for probably sounding so overly excited to talk to him. She told me he passed at 0630 that it was his heart. I got sick to my stomach. Crying uncontrollably. I spoke to his mom and she told me how the day before he had turned his phone off and told her he wanted to rest. She said he had been doing badly but that she felt as though he was getting better. She said before he passed he had been talking about my babies and that they had been singing songs that my oldest had sung on the phone with him. She said that it had made him feel better and that he laid down on the bed next to her and told her he was tired and was going to sleep. He passed in his sleep soon after.

I'm angry because his mom said he had been to the ER 4 times and refused to be admitted. I was angry because she said that in five days he did not eat or drink that he had been hallucinating and she thought it was the pain meds! I'm angry that the whole time I kept telling him get adm let them help you stay hydrated take your meds eat! And he said I will bud. I know he suffered a lot due to his diabetes and I know after his father passed he was depressed. I'm glad my best friend is no longer suffering. I'm glad his is no longer in pain. I'm glad he's with his dad now. But I wish I could give him a hug. I hope I was as good of a friend as he was to me.

He didn't have a funeral or memorial service. His mom decided that was something he would not have wanted. She asked for his friends to mourn him in their own way. I plan on paying for his tombstone and once his mom passes I plan on having all if their ashes placed near his sisters grave. That's something that I want to do for him. I don't know how to deal with this. I stop myself from calling or texting his phone. I go to text a pic of my babies or call to tell him something funny that they did and I get reminded that he's not there. I need to know he's okay. I need to know that he's in a better place. I just need closer.

[Been there,done that, ASN, RN]

You are passing through the many phases of grief. Closure is what you need.. it's hard to find.

Please get some professional help. You are in shock.

I hospiced my best friend.. being there is not always the answer.

{{hugs}}

[TheCommuter, BSN, RN]

I am so sorry for your loss.

[NurseQT]

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my big brother 3 months ago, he and I were always close growing up and he was one of my best friends. So I know how you are feeling right now. Don't be angry with yourself, your best friend would not have wanted you to feel that way. Right now you need to grieve, and do so until your heart and mind are ready to stop. Cry, scream, zone out ect when you need to, don't hold it in. And don't ever let anyone tell you that you've grieved too long or that you need to get over it. Grieving is a very personal thing and no one can tell you when or how you should grieve. Talk about Jonathon often and to anyone and everyone. Laugh about funny memories and times you shared. Find something or someway you can remember him by. My Mom bought dragonfly necklaces for herself, my sis-in-law, my niece, and me for us wear in Jeremy's memory. I plan to have a checkered flag tattoo done since my brother was a huge NASCAR fanatic. And my sis-in-law is going to give me all of my brother's favorite t-shirts (he seriously had over a 100 t-shirts!) so I can make a quilt for her and throw pillows for my niece and nephews out of them.

i know that right now you feel like your heart has been ripped from your chest and I wish I could tell you it'll be ok. But I won't because in all honesty it will never be ok, that hole in your heart won't ever heal completely. You will learn to go on differently with your life. That pain you feel won't ever go away completely but it will get less and less and that dull ache becomes a part of who you are. And make sure you look for signs that he's still with you. I truly believe our loved ones never leave us for good, we just have to open our minds and accept the signs they give us.

(((Hugs))) and again I'm so sorry for your loss.

JoAnna