Been struggling a lllloongg time w/depression/anxiety..multiple losses both personal and financial have happened in the past 5 yrs....lots
of change, lots of loss
...I have been barely functioning since 2009 and have almost come to a complete halt as of this week. I sleep poorly, "pick" constantly at my nails, face, head, cry almost daily, I read the symptoms of depression/anxiety and I have all of them. I have resisted getting help because of the money..copays for doctors/therapy/medication..not knowing if any of it will work..the "do they don't they work" of medications like antidepressants. But its reached a point now, that I literally am beginning to have trouble even leaving my house even to run a simple errand like get laundry detergent. This has effected every area of my life...marriage, personal, professional..I use to love nursing, be proud of it, now, I have no interest in anything let alone what I spent so many years in school for and almost panic at the thought of working in a hospital again...so, after starting to cry in the cleaning products aisle today because I couldn't decide if I should buy the powder or the liquid...I thought..ok..I went to our primary care doctor who wants me to see a psychiatrist for medication and a therapist for "talking." I am wise enough to realize no amount of praying (though it helps), no amount of "self positive talk", no St. johns wort/vitamin/book is going to pull me out of this.....I am simply too broken inside for the short term, cheeky "10 days to a better, healthier, happier you" Oprah article. (No offense to Oprah - I like her). This mornings shopping trip fiasco was a new bottom for me. No more denying my mind/heart and spirit are broken. I am fortunate in that I don't have substance abuse issues (I don't take any drugs of any kind nor do I drink). That is one less monkey on my back. But, I have to return to work..I have basically job hopped and lived on a wing and a more than one prayer since 2009 -
I have the choice to take a part time (24 hr/week) low stress job that pays $23/hr...basically a management position - sort of a QI type thing, or..I can work PRN at a hospital 50 miles from my home for $10 more on a very busy surgical unit 8 and 12 hr shifts not including the drive but nothing guaranteed or I can work 3 12 hr shifts at another hospital about 40 min. from my home on a new unit that is all geared toward geriatrics w/behavioral issues for $27/hr. I do have my spouses income which isn't great so I do need to/have to work while trying to piece myself back together...my spouse is wanting me to take the part time position since it's less than 15 min from home, flexible yet steady, low stress...as this would allow me to get some much needed and overdue assistance with my emotional health issues but also generate some much needed income so hopefully we can catch up on house/car payments and things will settle down. My spouse feels once the financial and emotional health issues are resolved or at least controlled, I will feel better, maybe re-energized about nursing and can then look for a more demanding position. All of these offers, strangely, came in this afternoon. All want me to call them back with an answer before the end of the week.
I know medication/therapy won't bring back lost people or things though its the loss of some people that I struggle with..I know it won't change the stupid mistakes I've made...but I'm still young (40's) and maybe I can find my lost self esteem, regain my confidence as a person and a nurse and find new reasons for being alive. This has gone way beyond self pity. This is just me giving up on me. So, I don't want to make things worse by making yet another bad decision about a job or going to a doctor or potentially going on medication.
I am not seeking professional advice, just personal opinions on my situation because I do realize right now I am not able to see the forest for the trees...
Anything anyone wants to offer in the way of advice/opinion/view is greatly appreciated.