Why do spouses "freak out" about us going to nursing school?

luluann · Feb 27, 2003

Thanks to all of you for sharing your stories with me. It makes a huge difference to me to know that I am NOT alone in these feelings. My husband & I are doing alot of talking, and we both realize that our relationship took a down turn about a year before I actually started school heavily. So I guess you can say its been sliding downhill for about 2 years now. We have both said that we want to work on it, even though it's not going to be easy, and the road will be long with some addition bumps. I have also said that I take full responsiblity for my part in this marriage too, and am willing to work on changing myself for the better. Thanks again for all your support, it means so much to have it. :)

farmmom · Feb 27, 2003

I am so glad that I am not the only one whose hubby is being self centered. Yes in public he tells everyone how proud he is of me but at home he is the exact opposit. I am a freshman so still going thru prereqs. But my first month of school he stayed home for a month and did nothing I would come home and the house was trashed and he was asleep in the chair at noon. So I would pick up and do dishes then start to study. He woould tell me that he was watching the boys but that consisted of screaming at them from the very same chair he was asleep in.Now he is working 12 hours and I am home with the kids and they let me study. I have four kids ages 12,10,5 and 3 and theyhelp with the house and dinner. We study together around the kitchen table. Even the 3 and 5 year old do homework they work on their letters

He tells me often that he knows when I get my nursing degree I will leave him and I tell him I won't if he quits pushing me away from him. He spends more time in the bar and lies about it. He never used to lie about going to the bar.He has gotten to the point that I swear he is just rebeling.

NurseShell · Feb 27, 2003

My husband seems to be "running scared" because I suddenly have a life! My best friend (who is earning her masters in psych and her counseling license) says his behavior (possessiveness, jealously, etc) shows he's afraid that because I'm out in the real world - after 10 years at home with kids - I'll find "something better" and leave him. We had a REALLY rough time when I first went back full time - he even started snooping in my journal! I came "this close" to leaving because I couldn't take it!!

We got married 6 days after my 20th birthday, so I never really experienced much in the way of "life" as an adult. In the past couple years since school and some very nice friends opened my eyes to what life can be...I'm definitely different. My mom said (and I cried so hard when she said this) "the daughter I know and love is BACK". I'm not as shy, I'm assertive, I'm bored with "normal" life - I think it scares the crap out of him!!

To top it off, he figured out that I see naked men when I'm caring for them!! God forbid!! He freaked! (I started another thread on this topic a couple weeks ago). I have a couple nurse friends who say their hubbies have the same issues. No matter that these naked men are SICK! It just irks them that we see them period.

I don't even want to know how he will react once I'm working full time as a nurse and associating with "other people" everyday and building relationships with them and perhaps socializing with them outside of work...gasp...I might make friends!! Then what?!?!

It's ridiculous!! They are obviously insecure. Oh well!! Guess they'll have to learn to live with it!!

NurseShell · Feb 27, 2003

OH , forgot to mention that he "acts" like he's supportive when we are in public, but when we are home and I need to study you should see the attitude!! It's like I'm asking for some major sacrifice from him - instead of some quiet time to study. He feels that the few hours I have when he's at work and 2/3 kids are at school should be plenty to get all my school work done. NOT! This is NOT about him and I will not allow him to guilt me into quitting (which is what 2 separate people have assessed his attitude as - trying to guilt me into quitting).

Has anyone noticed that this does not work if we try it? Once, I freaked because he went on a "guys only" trip one weekend - camping, in the desert with dirt bikes and stuff - I wanted to go and so did my friend (who's hubby also went), but since it was "guys only " we stayed home. I found out - purely by chance - that 3 girls from my hubby's work (all 21 or younger - I was about 26 at the time) went on that trip. In fact, hubby have one of them a "ride" on his motorcycle. She told me about this ride and that's how I figured out what happened. I remained calm while she told me the story (about 3 weeks after the fact)...when she was gone I came unglued on his butt...to this day he doen't understand why I got mad (thinks it's ridiculous that I was mad and basically refused to discuss it)...he lied, period. But if he gets upset cuz i'm seeing naked - sick - men...that's a valid point?!?!?! I don't get it!! (by the way my friend was also livid about the "guys only" thing...her hubby didn't get it either).

farmmom · Feb 27, 2003

omg tell me about it. i found out hubby went out to the bar and danced with the waitress a mutual friend of ours she told me this not thinking i would be mad. but it has bee a good ten years since he took me out and danced with me i tore him a new one

SingingNurse2 · Mar 16, 2003

Well, I just spent four years raising 2 kids & working part time to get my hubby through grad school and he sure better be supportive of me when I go back this fall!

I'm sure he will be supportive, he has begged me for years to go back to school and get my degree. I know it will be a very hard adjustment for our family though when they have to deal with meals, laundry, cleaning and shopping with little help from me for 2 years. They just have NO clue how much work it takes to run a home.

marilynmom, LPN, NP · Mar 16, 2003

My husband is 100% supportive. I think those husbands who are not supportive, its not about nursing school, there is something else wrong with the relationship and this is just bringing it out.

My husband knows perfectly well he has to help out and the house isnt all that clean anymore and right now I have about 5 loads of laundry to do. He could care less. He is also trying to finish his Buisness Admin degree as well and we have 2 young children at home.

I think those men who are threatened by women going back to school or changing (surprise people do change!) there is some serious problems there. Some men just want a doormat or someone to raise the kids and keep the house clean

Sometimes though when we first get with people or first get married we dont see as much as we do later on. Some people change (which is a GOOD thing most of the time; growth should show change, maturity should show change, etc) and some people just do not change and have no ambition in life and not much in the way of goals, etc.

I think its sad so many women here dont have the support from there husbands or boyfriends they *deserve* to have. You should not feel guilty about improving your life or your future.

Marilyn

2amigos · Mar 16, 2003

I tried several times to go to school, at the time it was for a social work degree, but circumstances always got in the way and my husband backed out on me. We also had five kids at home... Fast forward some years and we have only three kids at home and I mention thinking about becoming a RN. He's all for it-surprised the heck out of me. I've almost finished my prerequisites and I'm hoping to be admitted this fall. HE's the one to tell me forget about the house, don't worry about dinner......go study. At first I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, but it hasn't.

I've brought some women over to study with me at home or to tutor them, so he can put a face to a name. I want him to be included in my education. I've gone into detail with him about what nursing school could be like (mainly what I've read on here) and he's more sure of schooling than I've been at times.

I think it was a matter of timing, heck, I don't know. I do know that nothing is more important to me than he (and the kids) are. I've seen other people at school that have different priorities, and I will guard my marriage from becoming a casuality. I would be hurt if all of the sudden he changed and I wasn't as important to him, so I watch for the reverse all the time.

It's funny, I can feel the changes in myself and have talked with him about them. Some he understands, some I have a hard time expressing. I posted a thread about changing here and found many other people "morphed" as well.

I agree with other poster that if the marriage/relationship was solid to start with, it should be even better when school is done. If it is failing, school and the stressors may very well do it in.

CherylM

ucandoit · Mar 16, 2003

My hubby just burried his head in his pillow, and hasn't came up for air since I have started! I wonder if he's okay!?! :cool:

Going80INA55 · Mar 16, 2003

I guess I am lucky, because thru nursing school my husband was very supportive as well. He did not complain about tv dinners and piles of laundry. Our children were very small when I was in school and when I needed extra study time he took them out of the house.

Yes, he did do some whining. He never saw me, my face was always in a book and I know I ignored him. But now it is over.

giftedRN · Mar 16, 2003

mmm...My husband did not have a choice but to be supportive because I decided that i am not going to quit. I left him in Jamaica and here in the US attending a university. I am done with my prerequisites and waiting to be accepted in the nursing college. Sometimes I think he would like to tell me that he is fed-up but he is afraid. I am here with my two kids and I only see him once every four months. Who cares? I am doing it for me not for him. I have passed the worst and I know that God is not about to leave me here.

Keep the faith sisters and trod on.

Ann.

Cynthiann · Mar 17, 2003

I feel so lucky after reading all these stories. My husband is completely supportive. I think a huge part of it is because I will be the breadwinner of the family when I become a nurse and it's the only way we are going to have a decent living in the future. He does complain about the lack of home cooked meals though. I usually get the laundry done, although it may take me a week to put it all up. But I am lucky he's sort of neat freak (but not as bad since we had kids) because if I don't have time to clean, he will do it. My husband is also an orderly at the local hospital so I know that once I start nursing school (hopefully this fall) that I will have lots of stuff to talk to him about.

To me it sounds like a lot of these men are just plain insecure. Many of you were housewives that just stayed home with the kids for so many years, so it scares them to death to see you do something for yourself and have your own life. They are probably afraid that you will meet someone new and leave them since they are so used to knowing exactly what you are doing with who, what, when and where. Without my husband's complete support I don't think I could make it through school. But truthfully, I don't think I can stay with him if he was to be that selfish but then again we would of never have been married in the first place if he was like that.