Proof read my personal statment to Residency Program?

  1. I am applying to a residency program and I am hopping for some constructive feedback for the personal statement that I need to write, about why I believe a residency program is good for me.

    Thank you for any feedback;

    As I have spent the last two years in nursing school spending many hours studying and preparing so that I may deliver the best care that I can to my patients as a graduate nurse, I have come to understand that there is much to nursing, that I could never be prepared enough.
    While I am thrilled with the education I have received so far, I realize that this is the first step into a career of lifelong learning.
    . I admit that as I prepare to graduate it is exciting yet frightening at the same time. I believe that a nurse residency program will be beneficial to me as it will help in the transition that I am going to be making from student nurse to a professional competent nurse. That the education I receive through the residency program will greatly expanded on my knowledge base, thus making me a more confident nurse, so that I can deliver best care possible to my patients
    In addition any employer who is willing to take the time and resources to ensure proper training so that the employee feels confident and supported in the workplace is an employer that I would want to plant roots down with and grow professionally with that employer.
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    About LoveMyBugs

    Joined: Jun '05; Posts: 1,350; Likes: 1,344
    Pediatrics; from US
    Specialty: Pediatrics


  3. by   threelittlebirds
    Great statement! While I'm only a junior in my nursing program and can't really comment on the content of your personal statement (sounds good to me though :]), I'd love to help out a bit with the nitty gritty grammar stuff!

    Your first paragraph is a little wordy...consider splitting up the ideas into two or three sentences. I would also consider rewording "there is much to nursing, that I could never be prepared enough." While I know what you mean (and totally agree!), the way you've phrased this is a bit of a hidden negative- I think your residency program is probably looking for confidence and competence in addition to humility :]

    In your second paragraph (/ sentence, i'm not sure about the formatting!), I think you could select a better word than "thrilled." Maybe you could shift the focus of the sentence a bit...mention the quality of your education/how much you've learned (etc) rather than a subjective opinion of the education. Also, what do you mean by "this"? your education? if you state it explicitly, the sentence might be more effective!

    The third paragraph has wonderful content! Throughout your statement, you've been very "real" - i hope the residency program people appreciate that quality about you! But, of course, I have a couple of suggestions for this section too :]

    I would omit "admit" ...perhaps rephrase to read " As I prepare to graduate...." and state exactly what is exciting and frightening. (being a new nurse! continuing to learn! etc.)

    For the second sentence in this section, you might consider shifting the focus of the sentence to be an active construction: for example," [This nurse residency program (state which program it is!)] will (enable/allow/prepare me/etc)...."

    With [the residency program], I will benefit from [these factors], allowing me to practice with confidence and provide consistent and excellent care for my patients.

    Your last sentence is good, but I don't know whether it necessarily fits with the focus of your statement... while a valid point, it reads a bit (to me, though i'm not an expert here!) like an afterthought. If it's really an important part of your argument, you might consider incorporating it throughout the piece?

    Sorry if these are a lot of suggestions, and I hope I kind of made sense :] You have a great start already, and best of luck getting into your residency program! You sound like an awesome new nurse!!
  4. by   passion4people
    Hi ! threelittlebirds,

    That was good. You can critique my papers anytime(lol). Are you sure you are headed to the right profession? I was thinking more along the lines of education(in the school system). I know we need nurses who are able to teach and educate the patients. Good luck to you and your post was sincere.......
  5. by   threelittlebirds
    Thanks :] I tend to look at a lot of papers for my friends and family...maybe I'll be able to incorporate writing into my nursing career someday!

    Does anyone else have any suggestions for ivanaBEEaRN? Opinions from a more experienced nurse, or someone who has been successful in a residency program?
  6. by   amarobin
    Great comments from three little birds. As a fairly new graduate (2008) who was in a residency program I would just say to add a little bit about what you bring to the program. Something like, I bring enthusiasm for the profession of nursing, the ability to work well with my colleagues and healthcare team and a love of learning that will continue in my career as an RN. You have emphasized very well what the program can bring to you, I think they like to see what you can bring, even if it is just a love for the profession. Do you have any outside experience that helps? Even customer service is valuable, you can say something about knowing that the patient comes first, many hospitals now emphasize "customer" (patient) satisfaction. If you have worked in another area with customers you can say you understand the importance of that.
    Good luck!!
  7. by   LoveMyBugs
    Thank you ThreeLittlebirds and others who have added your suggestions,

    I have taken what you have said and rewritten the statement, I did not add more things about myself because there is a whole packet that I am turning in with my resume and that shows clinical hours and hosptials and units, the essay is supposed to address why I think that the residency program is good for me; here is my updated version if anyone would like to proof read it,

    Thank You

    I believe that the ABC RN residency program through XYZ Health system will benefit me as I transition from a novice graduate nurse to a confident, competent professional nurse. I realize that a nurse who is confident in their job would relay that confidence to the patient and promote an overall better experience to the patient.
    Throughout my time in nursing school I have had many learning opportunities from time in the NICU to the ED; those experiences have brought out a love of learning and I understand that graduating nursing school is the first step into a career of lifelong learning.
    My education has taught me many skills and I believe that the residency program will greatly expand on my knowledge base, allowing me to practice with confidence and provide consistent and excellent care for my patients.
    In addition, I believe that an employer who is willing to take the time and resources to ensure proper training so that the employee feels confident and supported in the workplace is an employer that I would want to plant roots down with and grow professionally.
  8. by   threelittlebirds
    Great job!!

    Okay, I only have a few very minor suggestions. :] This is an awesome statement!! Best of luck!!!

    Now for the grammar stuff.....

    Your second sentence has a pronoun/reference error- change "their" to "his/her" or remove the pronoun issue entirely by changing the sentence to read "a confident nurse promotes patient confidence and provides an overall better..."

    Consider "Throughout my nursing education," or "Throughout nursing school," instead of "Throughout my time in nursing school" (just because you said "my time" twice in the same sentence... but make sure you use that comma after the clause!:] )

    "My education has provided me with.." instead of "taught me" (only because technically speaking, your education didn't teach you- your professors did!)

    In the last sentence, i think "grow with professionally" reads smoother than "grow professionally." (EDIT: just reread, and I changed my mind about this one, lol)

    But of course, take or leave the suggestions :] Either way, it's great!
  9. by   LoveMyBugs
    Thank You threelittlebirds, I did make the small adjustments and turned in my application packet today. Have my fingers crossed that I get an interivew
  10. by   threelittlebirds
    Yay!!!!!! I'll keep my fingers crossed for you too!
  11. by   amarobin
    Wishing you the best of luck! Please keep us posted!
  12. by   LoveMyBugs
    I got a phone interview for this Monday! I just created another thread called: To Pushy? Telephone Interview, that describes what has happened with the application process, but long story short I have an interview set up on the phone for Monday