I Need opinions

[BrandyBSN]

To graduate from my university, i must complete a professional/personal portfolio. We have to include a project, that shows asthetic understanding and use of creativity.

I have been looking through my old poems that I have written since entering college, and I found one that I had written when I was a freshman in Fall of 1998. I need input. Its one of my favorites that I have written, but its a little "off the norm", and uses a lot of imagery. Please read it, and let me know what your opinions are?

Thank you in advance, BrandyBSN

The recollection:

Life goes on...

When I think about yesterday when I could have celebrated with sex more than moist poetry

The rhythm in my voice is broken like a morning-after haze through the throb of the coffee that continues to dilute the champagne

Intoxicating effects linger blind like secret fire and ice while in a cloud without brilliance I see

The morning's translucent picture of what might...have been

I spend time to look, listen, learn as time smokes its cigarette -

Spewing its poisons into the surrounding sanctuary of my would-be peaceful ambience

I close my eyes and approach my universe, entranced by the velvet perfume from flowers of deep blue corduroy, and continue asking questions of my eternity

Answers seep in, as the breeze whispers sweet nothings to its concrete prisoner.

Never to be free, never to breath, it bleeds continuously

The liquid embraces, and dulls the pain, but releases its desires mixed with a lack of trust, asking me to listen... as an unborn child kisses the endless morning sky

My soul searches for a reason for continued existence...

But he is a fool

We beat him

Devour him

Cut him

Make him bleed

As we misrepresent him

Refusing to let him breath

And sentence him to die

-Brandy Leake-

[canoehead, BSN, RN]

I think it was beautiful but you lost me at the end.

A lot of interesting images, I had to read it a couple times before they came together for me. The last part about beating, devouring etc, looks like a rushed finish, and is not as effective as the first part.

Just my 2 cents, poetry is pretty personal.

[CarolineRn]

Beautiful imagery, Brandy! I'm not an expert on poetry, but I think this is a very nice piece.

[jschut, BSN, RN]

Brandy~

It has pretty words and it "talks" pretty, too. But (and it may very well just be me) I didn't understand a single word of it. Then again, I am a poetry writer by NO means...

No disrespect intended at all. I am just not poetry literate, know what I mean?

Julie

[zannie]

I agree with Julie.. it sounds beautiful, but I suck at imagery.... I need things plain spelled out or I don't get it. :)

Is there any background to the poem you could share? :) I'd love to hear, but if it's too personal I understand.

--zannie :)

[MRed94]

Oh, that is awesome.....

And I have already sampled some of your writing.. :)

I can't imagine having that kind of gift, and you should go for it!

How would you work this into your project? I suspect there is much more to it than just the poem...

:) Marla

[BrandyBSN]

Thanks Everyone

I have gotten 6 PMs asking if I was sexually abused as a child. The answer to that questions is, No.

The Poem does start out sexual and erotic, and, does symbolize sex. The end is angry and violent to symbolize the painful ending of a life... her unborn child. I wrote it about a mother who decided to have an abortion, and the days after, regretting the loss caused be her decision, and mourning for the lost of her innocence.

To deal with her stress, she has turned to alcohol, which calms her at first, then spirals into depression.

The end is angry, because she is thinking about the procedure that the baby went through being aborted.

Does it make more sense now? Kinda hard to pull all of that out of it :)

It doesnt have to relate to nursing at all, it is supposed to be a creative writing based on my Liberal Arts and Science Degree.