I can't do this....

  1. I am so frustrated.....My husband and I just moved in march 750KM away from all of our family/friends for his job, so I continue to work as a CNA while waiting to get accepted by a private college, Iget accepted and start school in Sept, THEN last week he decides that we can't make it here financially and quits his "GOOD" job with benefits so we can move back home, I start looking for a job right away and he sits on his duff watching Stargate, I ask him what he will do when we go back home and he basically say "I dunno" go back to school for a trade :angryfire I am burnt out working full-time as a CNA being a mom to a 2& 4 yr old and school and then he does this. My son was a preemie and is still quite medically fragile and I had MAJOR health problems after he was born I am sooooo stressed out I can't sleep. (rant over)
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  2. 11 Comments

  3. by   Kinky Slinky RN
    I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. I don't have children but I can only imagine how difficult it must be to raise your kids (and a husband for that matter.. just joking =), go to school, and work! Even though you are going through a rough time right now, I admire you!! Stay strong!! :icon_hug:
  4. by   augigi
    What makes him think it's ok to make a decision like that without consulting you? I'd be telling him to get his ass out there to get another job as I was not moving again right now!
  5. by   Danianne
    His "old" job was the best paying job he can probably get and he says that if I think that I am burnt out then what is he. H ejust does things like this. He is always trying to find the next "new" thing to persue he is obsessed with making it big he has sunk a LOT of money into schemes and we have a huge debt load due to his credit card use before we got married. we had gotten t almost payed off and then he got laid off and he was "SO depressed" that he sat on his bum for three month and did nothing (we had just had our little girl) (this was four years ago) and used the creidt cards again to pay for things we needed so back down the black hole we go again. Finally start paying off stuff and start to see te light he quits be cause he can't stand the BS
  6. by   IaCountryGirl
    My husband is sort of like yours. He fully supports me going back to school BUT the other day he comes home to say he wants to take the test to see if he can become a police officer. I finally just went off because I'm tired of him hearing about all these big plans he wants to do and how he's going to go after them right now. Maybe I'm being selfish but dang, I'm trying to get us into a better spot in our lives and I've given a lot since we've been married. I've always put my needs on the backburner for the family and this time, I am not doing it. Nevermind we are not in the position for him to take on a new job nor can we have him going off to the academy for 10 weeks.

    Granted he's never quit a job like yours has because he knows I'd throttle him. But ever since he got laid off from his really good job, he's been changing jobs every couple years because they were crappy jobs. Then he gets hired on with a really good company but keeps going on about these other jobs he wants to try. I told him I am relying on his schedule at the moment in order to pull this off because we can not afford childcare.

    Sorry, I don't really have any advice. Other then I would probably cancel the credit cards or at least freeze them if they are in your name with his. And the evil woman that I am, I'd make it really tough for him to touch the bank accounts! Protect yourself.
  7. by   WDWpixieRN
    Quote from IaCountryGirl
    Protect yourself.
    That's the best piece of advice....it's taken me over 25 years to figure this out about my husband...medically "retired" in his early 30's from a great job, he's floundered since then, and has been able to to some extent as his dad was keeping us afloat financially...he went to school full-time and didn't work because of that (while many of the other "men" did work to support their families)....he graduated about 8 years ago, and has yet to establish himself and when he does make money (self-employed), if it's a dime, he's spent a dollar and more with his credit cards...the bills are never paid, the creditors call constantly, and his father had the nerve to pass away 3 years ago!! I thought that would be his big wakeup call as he was 50+ -- WRONG....I have worked the past 6 years in IT and hated every minute of it...I opened my own checking account, my own credit cards (and had him cancel me off of ALL joint accounts)...I saved a small amount of money and was ready to start NS last spring, but he got angry when I told him on my concerns for having to rely on him for things for our son who was in his last year of high school...he wanted to know where MY obligation came in....this after working for 6 years for everything the kids and I needed since his needs are/were always more important....I pay for my own car, gas, insurance, personal needs, clothing, etc...I bought the kids clothes, furniture, prom attire, yearbooks, rings, almost anything they needed.....so I continued to work until this August, one week before my first semester of NS....I told him it was *MY* turn....he's had his while I raised his kids and tended the home, etc., etc....it was time for someone else to worry if there was milk in the frig or bread or whatever (the baby just left for college)....and if Santa doesn't come for the next 2 years for the kids (all adults now) or grandkids, then they can take a true look at their father for a change instead of thinking he's Mr. Wonderful.....it's taken me this long to see the writing on the wall....at 50, I know it will be up to me to be sure I don't eat Alpo and live on social security alone in my old age....it's pathetic....we don't take vacations, our house is a pigsty because he's got better things to do with "his" money (we need a roof, driveway, deck replacements)....I could go on and on....it's gotten to be a horrible battle and I am sorry I didn't go 26 years ago when I had the chance and tried to the first time....

    I will tell you and others like you -- get your degree by whatever means it takes....be ready, willing, and able to jump ship once you realize that you can't live like that anymore...the dreamers never stop dreaming....sometimes I bet they can make something magical happen, but in my case, I heard, "If I could just hit the lottery..." one time too many....and in the meantime, we've all suffered....

    Best wishes to us all...
    Last edit by WDWpixieRN on Oct 11, '06
  8. by   BeccaznRN
    Ladies - stay strong! Best of luck to all of you as you put yourselves through nursing school. I admire you for pursuing your dreams no matter how many obstacles come your way.:icon_hug:
  9. by   rags
    Hum... I don't think anyone here can really give you advise about your marriage. We can offer you courage and support though!

    Why don't you sit down and really think about what YOU want. How old is your husband? I honestly think that men are not capable of mature thinking for many years, but some DO come out of it!

    I have been married for 20 years and my husband I were both very young when we started our life together. We didn't think that was hard enough so we did it with a kid too. :spin: It took many years of waiting but my husband finally settled down to one job, one town and grew up a little. Thank goodness he never grew up a lot though! I fell in love and married him because I loved who he was and am still thankful everyday for him remaining that same man. Just That same man with a steady JOB! Woo Hoo! Just kidding. Even though in the first 5 or so years of our marriage (honestly can't remember how long it could have only been 3...) he did always have a job, just not always the same one. He also never felt the need to give notice, or have another lined up first. That was very difficult and by the time we were 24-25 we had three kids we were moving with us. It was very hard and I often wondered what the hell I was doing. Then I remembered...

    Eventually I went back to school about 4 years ago when I was 35 and my kids were older (17, 15, 11 then). I had the full support of my entire family. I couldn't imagine doing that without my husband holding my hand. They would demand my attention still more than I felt they should but part of that was the stress of nursing school and college in general I think.

    Like I said, I don't think anyone here can really tell you what you should do. But I am willing to be your cheer leader for what-ever that decision is. Well, almost what-ever it is... I absolutely DO agree 100% with the OP that you really DO need to get your degree and obtain that nursing license. It will give you a future no matter where it is or who it is with. Besides, if your kids are anything like mine it give them a role model to be able to have direction and obtainable goals in their own lives when they get to that stage...

    Just my thoughts. fishy kiss :trout:
  10. by   Goldenhare
    Quote from Danianne
    I am so frustrated.....My husband and I just moved in march 750KM away from all of our family/friends for his job, so I continue to work as a CNA while waiting to get accepted by a private college, Iget accepted and start school in Sept, THEN last week he decides that we can't make it here financially and quits his "GOOD" job with benefits so we can move back home, I start looking for a job right away and he sits on his duff watching Stargate, I ask him what he will do when we go back home and he basically say "I dunno" go back to school for a trade :angryfire I am burnt out working full-time as a CNA being a mom to a 2& 4 yr old and school and then he does this. My son was a preemie and is still quite medically fragile and I had MAJOR health problems after he was born I am sooooo stressed out I can't sleep. (rant over)
    Geez Sweetie! You are young and already have a full plate! Of course, no one can give you intimate marital advice. HOWEVER some basics to think about.
    1) What do YOU want out of this marriage. Maybe the time isn't right to go back to school. I understand your frustration to a degree. It took 5 tries till I could get to nursing school because my husband's company kept moving him.
    Is he going to watch the kids while you work? Are there family members back home who can watch the kids for you? Could your husband be clinically depressed?
    2) If you are going to move home, then you come up with the next plan since he dosen't seem to have one and you at least have portions of a plan thought through, ie going to school. Then tell him he is free to add ideas but that he cannot float around directionless and drag you down with him . And no, new 'money makin schemes are not an option. He (and you) have a family to think about. He will have lots of time to scheme after the divorce is final-just kidding. You need to stress to him that your family needs a long term workable plan.
    3) Apply for one good term credit card in your name only! You are the one with the job afterall. You need to bulid credit in YOUR NAME in case you one day find your self alone.
    4) Cut up his cards. Or freeze them in blocks of ice. I've heard that works to. Only use your card for necessities. I would consider not telling him about your card. Ditto the previous post about getting him off the bank account, or at least, open one with your name only and your paycheck goes into that.
    5) Consider that everything happen for a reason and maybe it is not a good time to go to school. Maybe the move home will work out for the better. But nursing school is REALLY hard and you already have your plate full. Maybe you should reapply for next Sept and use this year to lay a foundation.
    6) Time is on your side . I understand that life is frustrating right now and that you don't want to be a CNA forever and you won't be. You obviously have drive and determination. Heck, if I got dressed at your age and out of bed on time, I was ahead of the game. I'm 44 now, and have 2 degrees and alot of life experience. Take one thing at a time. I'll include you in my prayers.
  11. by   rags
    I agree with the last poster. Nursing school may not be obtainable at this point for you. You need to decide that. But... I wouldn't give up on it, just postpone it if necessary. Evaluate all your options, look at ways to obtain your goal and set time lines for yourself. Be honest with your husband and make sure that the communication line is completely open. Don't hesitate to explain your desires AND your frustrations with him. After all this IS a partnership and requires both partners to participate.

    If you find it possible to still go to nursing school now, good! Do it and make it happen. If not Great! It isn't going to be a career that ends and the need goes away. Either way you need to concentrate on your marriage, your family, yourself and your desires. This will guide you to the needs at hand for you and your family and what you have to do to find that final balance.

    Above all begin by talking to your husband (key word there is ... talk)

    Good luck and come back to give us an update if you want. Remember, nursing schools are EVERYWHERE!
  12. by   BSNtobe2009
    I would say the bigger issue is him making this decision without consulting you. No spouse in a marriage should do that.

    I think you need to have that discussion first before anything else.
  13. by   BSNtobe2009
    Quote from augigi
    What makes him think it's ok to make a decision like that without consulting you? I'd be telling him to get his ass out there to get another job as I was not moving again right now!
    :yeahthat: This is why I am still single.

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