Accounting, computer software, engineering, teaching, professional sports writter, business owner. I could go anywhere, do anything. I was always attracted to nursing on some level though. I really had no definealbe reason to be. Most people I talked to were going into the field to work as a nurse for a second income. More than a few people told me nursing full time was just not any way to live. Still, for some reason, it always stayed there, on my long list of options.
I worked hard to earn good grades during the school year and worked just as hard during the summer as a landscape laborer. I was good at what I did, in both aspects, and took pride in everything I worked on whether it be a paper focused on "The Old Man and The Sea" or trimming back someone's hedges. A couple years went by, and I found myself becomeing frustrated by the fact that my list of possible career choices had not become any more defined than before. This in fact became a major source of stress in my life. I was almost completely done with all the basic courses (algebra, english comp., chem.) and the time was coming to decide exactly "What I want to be when I grow up." I often filled out my semester's schedule with unecessary classes simply because I felt I was not ready for this decision. I was doing what I could to extend my deadline for having to decide.
Then, a proposition. The owner of the landscapeing company I worked for during the summers was expanding. There was an acute need for workers who were familiar with his way of doing things and could be trusted to work alone. I fit the bill like a glove. I was offered a crew boss position, but there was a stipulation that I would work full time, all year. This left little to no time for school. I balked at this at first, it would mean all the time I spent in school up till now was a waste. Besides, I never considered landscapeing a career, it was just the first job that accepted me that first summer I was looking for work.
The hourly wage being offered me was the best I offer I ever saw. It was certainly a step up in lifestyle for me. Perhaps I could even afford a car that ran during the winter too now. Still, I declined, school's magnetism was too much to resist. The school year started and I returned to the classroom as always, now more than ever determined to decide where all this was taking me. About half way into the semester, I found myself, for the first time, struggleing to make the grades I was accustomed to. Now, I was only 20 at the time, and I had no understanding of how my outside life was affecting my grades. I was experienceing hard times in my personal life at the time, mostly due to lonliness with my friends moving onto four year colleges. There was also a financial aspect to my troubles though. I was falling behind on bills, my car was in the garage because it was stalling at stop lights (first time ever it had problems in warm weather) and for the first time, I was begining to use credit cards for day to day things like groceries. As though he knew exactly how to time things, the boss from the landscape company called. He told me the owner still needed crew bosses, more now than ever. He also inserted that if I decided to take the position that was offered before, I could also work into the deal the right to use a company truck at home until I got a new vehicle for myself. I made the call, got two dollars added to the original offer made to me, and decided it was the best route. "My career has chosen me" rang in my mind like a mantra. I never even withdrew from my classes. I just quit showing up.
For the first three years, my choice seemed like the right one. I stayed out of the debt pitt many of my friends dug themselves into and lived a life that was full of hard work, but rewarding in a simple way. I was content if not happy, and a lot of people could not achieve that even. Then things started to change, or maybe I changed. I found myself avoiding overtime. That was where it started. Then I started staying out later and later on weekdays, usually at the local bar with a few of my friends who had moved onto four year schools but were in the middle of changeing majors........for the third time. Work became something I did because I had to. It was, as I saw it, a setback on my schedule. The owner of the company had not been showing up at the office for close to two years now, the company ran itself. Word was, he sat at home with his best friend Grey Goose watching old movies. Fine with me, just meant I didnt have to put in overtime. I felt like I was in the movie "Groundhog Day", each day was for the most part a carbon copy of the previous. I kept repeating the same day, over and over, until I was almost 28.
I got the call one winter day while I was recovering from a long night out with the boys. It was the boss at work. The company owner was getting divorced and moving away. He no longer was interested in the landscape business and was selling all the equipment to help pay for the divorce. We got together, decided we could all pitch in, buy the business from the owner cheap, and get things going again. Problem was, not one of us was the long term financial planner type. We had spent our lives working and living paycheck to paycheck. The three of us couldnt put together enough money to buy a bus ticket much less purchase a business. In the end, the company folded and we were left to fend for ourselves. The other two went onto other business avenues. One took up driving a tow truck, the other went on to plumbing school. Me, I applied to landscape companies with the idea that I would just remain a crew boss. The landscapeing business is very tribal though. Being a boss in camp A does not mean anything to camp B across the river. I was stuck working entry level laborer positions. More often than not, relatives with no interest in the business were picked for crew boss positions before me. I went from company to company, seeking to replace what I lost with my first company. I never found it. I was trapped in the business and had no way to improve my standing.
I fell into a bit of a depression. I was drinking daily, now at home alone instead of at the bar with friends. I was convinced my life would be spent just existing, not living. Fine with me, there were worse things out there. I got into a landscape company and stayed with them despite zero opportunity to move up the ladder. It provided a stable paycheck and that was all I needed. One night, my mother gave me a cash gift and told me she hoped I spent it on getting out of the house a little, maybe take a vacation. I intended to buy a nice bottle of Southern Comfort with it. She begged me not to do this, suggested going camping. I didnt go camping anymore, especially since I didnt own a vehicle at this point. But, one night, while walking to the local gas station to get my staple dinner of two hot dogs and a soda, I passed by a sign for a new karate class opening up in the church right across the street from me. I dont know why, but I joined. It looked like it would be fun, and I was tired of being in the house all the time.
I made new friends in the class. Hung out with the instructor on off class days a few times. Most couldnt understand how I was working an entry level position. I was getting job offers from other members who saw how reliable I was. Everyone needs that extra helping hand from someone you dont have to stand over to get them to work a little. One offer was for a road worker, one of the people we drive by without hardly noticeing. It was hard work, long hours, but it was a career. People raised families on that wage. I could maybe get my life together again. I applied, was accepted and was going to start classes that would last a month and start working. I had caught my break in life and was not going to mess it up.
If this were a Disney Film, the story would end here. I'd get married, have kids, work hard, love my community and be loved by it. But I am no wodden boy with a cricket to warn me of good/bad decisions or to help me out of a jam. In the same class where I met the people who gave me the break I needed, I dislocated my knee. I was hurt badly, would not be able to work for three months. I went to physical therapy, it took me two months to get off crutches. The job I was supposed to have started got filled by a younger guy who wasnt far removed from high school. He was taking classes at the local college and, reminded me of me at that age. The people at the karate classes comforted me, kept telling me there would be other opportunities. But their comforting words came with a tone of caution that, hard as they try, they could not hide. I dont know if they were not as interested in me because of my bad wheel or because the positions were just getting filled, but I knew that road was now closed to me.
During the two months on crutches, my life was a cycle of going to physical therapy, ashamed because I was on public assistance to pay for it, and returning home to wait for the next session. I said I was depressed before, when I was job hopping between landscape positions. Things got worse, depression of a clinical variety set in. I'm not ashamed to admit, more than a few nights, after physical therapy, I sat in my apartment considering what sort of cocktail I could make with the pain killers given to me at the ER, booze from the cupboard and a few OTC medications. I could take a permanent nap, and the worries about my situation would disolve away like the pills dropped in Southern Comfort.
To get my mind off things, I decided to start frequenting the local library. Books offered a break from the boreish television shows I was being forced to watch day after day. I started bringing books home and went many days without even turning on the television. One of the books that caught my eye at the library was "The Stand" by Stephen King. I was already a King fan, but the book I had gotten my introduction to his works with was "IT". Many people told me to give The Stand a chance, but the idea of a book about the world coming to an end because of a virus just sounded like a dead end plot to me. For some reason though, I was ready to give it a chance. Not like I had anything important going on that, if I decided I hated the book, I would think I had wasted my time. I had nothing but time on my hands.
If you've seen the movie (based on a King short story, ironically) Shawshank Redemption, you might remember a scene that comes to mind for me right now. The warden hands Andy the bible through the jail bars and comments "Salvation lies within". The inside joke is that a hammar Andy will use to break out of the jail is hidden in that book at the time. For me, salvation lied within the pages of a horror/drama written with the intent to entertain.
In the book, The Stand, a virus wipes out much of the earth's population. The people who are left find themselves drawn to the western U.S. People, for reasons not clear to them at the time, migrate towards CA or Colorado, whichever their drawing is. As they beging to arrive to their destinations, they form new communities in the new world. The book went on, talking about how the new societies were organized and how the chains of command were developed. There was a theme forming, not intentionally I think, that struck me. Peoples priorities changed with survival being priority number one. The book highlighted how, many people considered kings in the old world were lost in the new society. People with skills and knowledge to pass on were suddenly the heroes. Carpenters, plumbers, farmers and NURSES were on the top of the social ladder. No more idolizing people because they can hit a ball with a stick or worshiping rock stars. No longer did knowing how to play the stock market make one worthy of the worlds finest riches. These things had no place/value in the new world. This struck a cord with me. I suddenly found myself thinking back to when I was in school, takeing prereqs and being confused about what I wanted to do for a living. I remembered, above all else, I wanted to find my way into a career that made me feel proud, feel like I was of value to my community. Over the next few days, the idea of returning to nursing dominated my thoughts.
I eventually was done with physical therapy. I went back to being a landscape laborer with a new direction in life. No more working just enough to make sure I could afford my Southern Comfort and Budweiser. I was now on a mission to get my school loans out of default and go back to school for nursing. I worked overtime like a man possessed. The only day of the week I took off for myself was sunday, and sometimes not even then. More often than not, I did 10 hour days. When my boss griped about the overtime, I told him, if I had to, I would work two jobs to make the money I wanted. He didnt like the idea of me perhaps finding a job I liked more and gave me whatever OT I pleased. Over the time of a year and a half, I cut down my overhead to nearly nothing. I took the bus and used a pass for it that was a monthly budgeted bill for me. I got the cable taken out of the house, I had no time for it. I only bought groceries that were on sale and never once ate out, not even at McDonalds. I made payment after payment and eventually, my loans were taken out of default. With my loans out of default, I could return to school and persue my nursing degree.
The next three years were difficult to say the least. I worked full time as a CNA in a hospital and went to school. I had no social life, was sleep deprived and chronicly broke. I did make new friends who will last a lifetime though. I keep in touch with more than a few of them still today. I also met my wife to be during this time. The nursing program was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. I finished though. I have been practiceing nursing for three years now. I plan on settleing down in Pennsylvania with my wife soon to seek a permanent position and start a family.
We have all been burnt by nursing and the way we are treated by the general public at some point in our careers. I often think back to the book that started my career in nursing. We certainly are not loved by people today the way nurses were cherished in that book. Still, no matter how bad things get, I doubt it can ever get as bad as before my life took some direction and I turned to nursing to give my life some meaning. I, above all else, am given the feeling that I am living, not simply existing. No poor nurse/pt ratios, demeaning physician or detached administrator can take that from me.
