Quadriplegic Question - page 2

Hey all, Serious question that concerns my future love life here. I need some information on quadriplegics because I'm considering a very serious relationship with one. He's a little older than... Read More

  1. by   ICURNGUY
    My wife has a C-spine tumor and has use of her arms. She pushed herself and in fact wouldn't get an electric chair to keep her from getting lazy...she said. She has slightly less than normal use of her arms and her hands had limited use and sensation, so her Dr.s always refered to her as an "incomplete quad.", but to you and me we would see a paraplegic. I don't know the specifics, that is just what we have always heard.
  2. by   gitterbug
    Every person has to live their own life and live with the decisions they make in that life. Before you get involved with someone who has such a life altering condition, please take some time and make sure you can commit to this person and the demands the condition will place on the relationship.

    I agree that open and honest communication between you and this person needs to exist. I agree that someone else should be involved with some of the day to day care of this person. I think the issue of the marriage and the scars from the marriage should be faced by you and the wondering spouse prior to getting into any type of serious relationship with anyone.

    I hope and pray this situation does not create more pain and problems for everyone involved.
  3. by   Bumashes
    Okay, for those who asked: No, he's not my patient. My family knows two quads, one of whom I take care of, and the other being the one of my dilemma. Believe me, I know the amount of care and medical attention involved with quad care. What I'm asking is if anyone has heard of anything else I should be aware of. By the way, he's a C4-C5 with some C-6. Limited use of arms, but no use of hands. He loses sensation past the bottom of the heart, at about nipple line. I've helped out with his care over the years, so I know what's involved because I've done everything for him. He does have a caregiver. I have already spoken with him about my feelings, and we're working it out about the next step to take. In the meantime, however, I have gone to counseling w/hubby, and discussed our sorry state. No real progress. I have not told hubby of my feelings for my other guy friend, though. Mostly due to the fact that I've only voiced them aloud for about three or four days now. I am not just jumping from man to man. Please don't think this. I have tried to make my marriage work for almost five years now, but one can only be hurt so much before feeling lost. That's where I'm at now. When I told my guy friend about my feelings for him, we discussed problems, solutions, and everything in between. One thing he did state emphatically, though, was that he wanted me to try as hard as possible for my marriage first, then to come talk to him. Very sensible. At any rate, thanks for any and all input here.
  4. by   PinkLady
    I know plenty of people that have very happy lives living with and loving a quad or para. The "labeling" is only referring to whether or not the injury is cervical or thoracic. My husband can't feel below his nipples and he is considered incomplete. Beleive it or not, incomplete is referring to whether or not you can feel you anal sphincter. I could go on and on. Hey, maybe I should be a spinal cord injury nurse!!

    Anyway...As long as the love is there, I think you can absolutely be in a fufilling relationship with him. Also, he is already on a "program" with a caregiver so that is another plus. Doesn't sound like he is vent dependent, so I say, follow your heart.
  5. by   Bumashes
    Quote from PinkLady
    I know plenty of people that have very happy lives living with and loving a quad or para. The "labeling" is only referring to whether or not the injury is cervical or thoracic. My husband can't feel below his nipples and he is considered incomplete. Beleive it or not, incomplete is referring to whether or not you can feel you anal sphincter. I could go on and on. Hey, maybe I should be a spinal cord injury nurse!!

    Anyway...As long as the love is there, I think you can absolutely be in a fufilling relationship with him. Also, he is already on a "program" with a caregiver so that is another plus. Doesn't sound like he is vent dependent, so I say, follow your heart.
    Thank you for that. My only concern at the present is his lifespan. I've heard they don't live as long as they would have pre-accident. This worries me because he is significantly older than myself. However, I would rather have one moment of happiness than a lifetime of regret, so I'd still go for it anyway. Thanks again!
  6. by   truern
    Quote from Bumashes
    "I thought you are married"

    To clarify: Been through some rough times with husband for five years now. I've been lied to, cheated on, and everything else imaginable. I'm getting out before any of this new relationship stuff takes place. I'm not that kind of person. I'm just trying to think ahead of my current bad situation. Believe me, we've tried to resolve our issues, but the fact is, he just goes on lying/cheating like he's been doing. I've just now woke up to see reality. Sorry for the confusion.
    Oh, sweetie, I wasn't implying that you were "that kind of person". I was simply confused because I thought I remembered mention of a husband in previous posts.

    Please take time to truly finish one relationship before thinking of starting another. If for no other reason than it would make a divorce much easier.

    I wish you much luck and happiness
  7. by   oONurseSharkOo
    Quote from Bumashes
    Hey all,

    Serious question that concerns my future love life here. I need some information on quadriplegics because I'm considering a very serious relationship with one. He's a little older than me and has been in his chair for 28 years. I realize that they don't usually live as long as they would have if they were out of the chair, but does anyone actually have any practical knowledge about this subject. I really need to know what I'm getting into. I already know the amount of care required, so that's not an issue. Any info appreciated. Thanks so much!
    is his name mike?
  8. by   gitterbug
    Thank you for the clarafication on your situation. I do not think you are jumping from man to man, a woman does not give much thought to her actions or the future outcomes when she is a roamer.

    Once again, I wish you happiness and good fortune in your future, whatever
    decision you make.
  9. by   PinkLady
    people that have suffered spinal cord injuries are prone to certain things an able bodied person is not. That being said, common reasons for death in someone with SCI is kidney failure (bladder care needs to be managed effectively or else, well, you know), complications from bed sores (this is how Christopher Reeve died), and or liver failure (medications are hard on the liver). Also, poor circulation could result in a pulmonary aneurysm. My husband has a filter to prevent clots but most people don't. However, people with SCI live a lot longer than they did 20 years ago and it is my firm belief that we are close to a cure.

    I wouldn't let your fears stop you. You may get hit by a bus and killed today. Similiarly your new friend might have a heart attack unrelated to his injury and die tomorrow. Life is short, nothing is guaranteed.
  10. by   LoriAlabamaRN
    PLEASE DON'T TAKE THIS PERSONALLY.

    But... are you sure that you are not choosing this man because he will not be able to sneak around on you and cheat on you, and will be dependent upon you? I only ask because of what your husband has put you through. If I were you, I would see a therapist and get my feelings sorted out before making any advances in your relationship. Again, I'm not trying to hurt your feelings. I'm just trying to help you understand them.
  11. by   Gompers
    Quote from LoriAlabamaRN
    PLEASE DON'T TAKE THIS PERSONALLY.

    But... are you sure that you are not choosing this man because he will not be able to sneak around on you and cheat on you, and will be dependent upon you? I only ask because of what your husband has put you through. If I were you, I would see a therapist and get my feelings sorted out before making any advances in your relationship. Again, I'm not trying to hurt your feelings. I'm just trying to help you understand them.
    You know, I thought the exact same thing.

    To the original poster, even if this new man is indeed the love of your life, you should really try and get things settled yourself first before getting into a relationship with him. Get a divorce, get a little bit of counseling, get your feelings and your life sorted out. Only then, after you'd had the chance to be by yourself for a while, will you really know for sure if you should enter into this relationship. You were very young when you got married - you need to see that you don't need a man in your life all the time, and what it's like to be alone. Like I said, he might very well be the man for you, but I agree with Lori because I've seen this before - a woman who had either a cheating or abusive man in her life before picking someone who is the complete opposite, not because they really love them, but because they think this new man will never be able to hurt them that way. And a quadriplegic has a VERY low chance of going out and cheating on you, so who safer?

    Just take some time for yourself and sort your life out first, okay? Good luck.

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